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Dancing With The Stars September 2011. Just When You Thought It Couldn’t Get Any Worse

7 Sep

September 7, 2011

Dancing with the Stars is the most misnamed show in America. Has there ever been a real star on there? OK, so maybe Celebrity Apprentice is just as bad, but at least there is one real star on that show- Donald Trump. This show has Tom Bergeron. He’s likeable enough, and funny, but hardly a marquee draw.

 This time around Dancing with the Stars has me wondering what it takes to be a star. Case in point:

Chaz Bono

The former Chastity Bono, he (which is how she wants to be known) is a star for two reasons. Famous parents and a sex change operation. That’s it. I have nothing against Chaz, nor do I have anything against a transgender competitor. But what has Chaz done on his own to make him a star? Nothing that I can tell. But I do think Chaz is more of a “star” than the next dancer.

Rob Kardashian

Who? Who? Who? Does anyone have any idea who this guy is? We know the Kardashian sisters. There’s Kim, the sexy one, there’s Kourtney, the cute one, and then there’s Khloe, who for some reason no one wants to admit is big and thick. (Not that is necessarily bad, look at Jordin Sparks, very attractive.) Khloe is easily the least attractive sister. And I’ll go there- in some pictures she is just ugly. And now there is this Rob guy, who is supposed to be their brother. Who cares? His parents didn’t even care enough to give a name that starts with a “K.” Either that or they were too stupid to think of Kevin, and if you’ve seen their show that may be true.

See?

Hope Solo

She is a major athlete. Seriously, she is! Oh, I see the problem, she is on the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. That’s why you don’t know her. No offense, but the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team is lower profile than the WNBA, and I am not even sure that still exists.

Popular Solos

Elisabetta Canalis

I’ll let the internet handle this:

She may be tabloid fodder for being George Clooney’s ex, but the gorgeous model-actress is a famous TV and film personality in her native Italy.

Wait a minute, is this the Italian version of Dancing with the Stars? Nope. So I guess she is here because of this:

And now take a good look at this.

J.R. Martinez

This is the man I am rooting for.

He didn’t always look this way.

From wiki: Jose Rene Martinez (born June 14, 1983) is an American actor, motivational speaker and retired U.S. Army. In 2003, J.R. experienced severe burns to over 40 percent of his body while serving as a United States Army infantryman in Iraq. After a long and difficult recovery, J.R. spends his time traveling the country extensively in his role as a spokesman and motivational speaker. J.R. has played the role of Brot Monroe in ABC’s daytime drama All My Children since November 7, 2008.

Think about it. After all he went through he went into acting. Acting. The Most Superficial, Appearance Driven, Only Based On Looks Career There Is. THAT takes courage.

And they had the nerve to put George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend on the same show and call them both “Stars.” Screw them.

Carson Kressley

Probably the first person on this list who can lay legitimate claim to being a star, albeit a totally annoying one. He was the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy guy that nobody liked regardless of sexuality. So I guess we owe him a debt of thanks. He showed the world that it is OK to hate a gay man as long as you hate him for his jerkiness and not his homosexuality.

Kristin Cavallari

Another one I had to look up. Here is all you need to know.

Chynna Phillips

Sort of the anti-Chaz Bono, Chynna has a famous pedigree but made a name for herself with the group Wilson Phillips and some acting.

This is how we remember her. Keep this image in mind when you see her on TV now.

Nancy Grace

Because nothing screams poise and elegance like Nancy Grace.

 

Ricki Lake

I really want to say something bad about her but I can’t. The worst I can say is that is that she embodies the old saying “jack of all trades, master of none.” She does some acting but isn’t that great an actress, she had a long running talk show but it wasn’t a tough job, it was closer to Jerry Springer than Oprah, and she has done a little game show hosting and producing. I know I said I couldn’t say anything bad about her but I guess I could say mediocre things. But at any rate, I like her. I’m just not sure why.

David Arquette

Arguably the biggest name here, and winning that argument is no big accomplishment, he is best known for being dumped by Courtney Cox, but to some of us, he is best known as THE WORST WCW CHAMPION EVER.

Yes, this is real. He was a WCW Wrestler.

Ron Artest

He’s a basketball player and I am not a basketball fan. However, I do know that he is changing his name to Metta World Peace, an odd choice considering that he was a major player in the The Malice at the Palace brawl, an altercation between the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers on November 19, 2004. It resulted in nine players being suspended without pay for a total of 146 games, which led to $10 million in salary being lost by the players. Five players were also charged with assault, and all five of them were eventually sentenced to a year on probation and community service. Five fans also faced criminal charges and were banned from attending Pistons home games for life. Artest was the most heavily fined player. He ran into the stands and attacked an innocent fan.

And there you have it. Next season, expect more stars like Mugsy Bowes, the guy who clogged the toilet at the gas station, and a random name from the Indiana phone book.

My Review of The New Cast of Dancing With The “Stars” September 2010. Ugh.

31 Aug

August 31, 2010

The new cast of Dancing with the Stars has been revealed and once again, ABC stretches the definition of “star” to the breaking point. If you thought last season “starKate Gosselin was bad, this season’s “stars” will make her look like, well, still like Kate Gosselin.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (Jersey Shore)
Does this guy have a head? I don’t know. In every shot he is pointing to his abs, which I must admit have a higher IQ than Snooki. Can we drop him into Afghanistan and stand him the same pose, showing the Taliban where to shoot?

Bristol Palin (Daughter Of Sarah Palin)
She is a star because she is an unwed pregnant teenage mom engaged to a total jerk. Were she not Sarah Palin’s daughter she’s be on the next Maury.

David Hasselhoff (Baywatch)
Hofftastic! The Hoff will Hoffer Dancing with the Hoffs his Hoffmazing skills on the Hoffloor. His Hofferific Hoffs Hoff Hoff Hoff Hoff Hoff.

OK, that's Chris Farley. But you seen Haselhoff lately?

Brandy (Singer)
Someone keep the brandy away from Hasselhoff! Oh, she’s a singer? Never mind.

Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing)
From imdb:
“The New Adventures of Old Christine” …. Tracey (1 episode, 2009)
– Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Crazy (2009) TV episode …. Tracey
“Phineas and Ferb” …. Dr. Gevaarlijk / … (3 episodes, 2008-2009)
– Phineas and Ferb’s Quantum Boogaloo (2009) TV episode (voice) …. Librarian
– Hide and Seek/That Sinking Feeling (2009) TV episode (voice) …. Louisa Patel
– The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein/Oil on Candace (2008) TV episode (voice) …. Dr. Gevaarlijk
Keith (2008/I) …. Caroline
Redbelt (2008) …. Lucy Weiss

Yeah, she has time to do this show.

Michael Bolton (Singer)
As long as he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t sing we can all get through this.

Kurt Warner (Former NFL Player)
Rick Fox (Former NBA Player)
Athletes usually do well on this show. Kurt is a two time MVP and a Super Bowl MVP. Rick played on three NBA championship teams.

Make your own jokes, I’ve got nothing.

Florence Henderson (The Brady Bunch)

Margaret Cho (Comedian)
Margaret once had a television show called “All-American Girl.” I found this tidbit online, showing just how stupid network TV is:

“The show suffered criticism from within the U.S. East Asian community over its perception of stereotyping. Producers told Cho at different times during production both that she was “too Asian” and that she was “not Asian enough.” At one point during the course of the show, producers hired a coach to teach Cho how to “be more Asian.”

Kyle Massey (Rapper)
Kyle is 19 and works for the Disney channel. So in other words, expect to see him any number of shows, movies, and concerts churned out from the Disney boot camp. Remember- there was a time we hadn’t heard of Hannah Montana either.

Audrina Patridge (The Hills)
I don’t know what “The Hills” may be, but perhaps this picture will give some clue:

The Hills!

The 2010 cast gives you pause to reflect. Who could possibly make the 2011 cast? My money is on Ronald McDonald, your paperboy, and Mr. Blog.

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