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Allan Keyes Challenges! No excuse for this, Glen A. Larson!

15 Jul

July 15, 2013

keyes

Remember the opening to the Six Million Dollar Man? CLASSIC!

We’ll get back to that in a minute.

So the producer of that classic TV show – and many others – was Glen A. Larson. But did you know that Mr. Larson had quite the interesting life and background. For example, did you know that he was a member of a singing group called the  The Four Preps? (Not to be confused with the Five Neat Guys from SCTV.)


The Four Preps were quite successful – they had multiple gold singles and three gold albums, back when a gold album was actually a legit feat and not manipulated by shady record companies.  And remember the theme to The Fall Guy? That was composed in part by Larson as well. So it’s pretty well established that Glen A. Larson has a good ear for music, knows what sounds good, and has a good idea of what resonates with the listening public.

SO CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW THIS STEAMING PILE OF SIHT CAME TO BE??


That’s real folks – that’s the original theme to the Six Million Dollar Man. And why yes – that is indeed Dusty Springfield singing that ode to…..something.

Let’s just go over just how epic fail this piece of crap is:

–          The logo. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..is that serious? I can do better, see?

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Go ahead, tell me how this is demonstrably worse!

 –          The opening to a show about a bionic man…..doesn’t show anything bionic about him. Oh yeah, he’s sort of bopping along at a fast run on the left side of the screen at one point but that could just as easily be dancing or epilepsy.  And I guess he dropkicks a dungeon door open but it’s not very clear without repeat viewings *(and rest assured, I’ve watched this obsessively since I discovered it) *If you didn’t know better, you’d think this was just the generic spy of the week show, like To Catch a Thief (also a Glen A. Larson joint, and also with dreadful opening issues – Mr. B can explain further).  It cost Six Million Dollars for Steve Austin to wear a tux and cavort with a mediocre looking blonde on a yacht? Meh. And they want me to tune into that? Double meh! If I had my way, the opening would’ve had Steve Austin punching a puma in the nuts and then beating up Sasquatch with a giant redwood. RATINGS GOLD BABY!

–          The tone of the opening is just weirdly disjointed and at odds with the subject matter. This is an astronaut who was mangled in service to our country, and is rebuilt literally sparing no expense, and all he rates is some cheesy pop riff? It’s like if your ipod went from Vangelis (Chariots of Fire) to Biz Markee.

–          The lyrics. “He’s theeeeeee man” – UGH.  And this is an immortal line: “Catch him if you can, beat him if you can, love him if you can……because he’s the man”.  *SHUDDER*

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