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Tag Archives: steak

Rise Of The Confused Food

28 Apr

April 28, 2017

There is a whole genre of confused food out there. People take perfectly good food and stuff other perfectly good food inside it. For example, the turducken. That’s a turkey with a duck stuffed inside it and a chicken stuffed inside of the duck. Sounds good, right? RIGHT??? Nah, it sounds awful. Who came up with the idea of eating a chicken rogering a duck while it’s rogering a turkey? That’s just wrong.

But it gets worse. Take, for example, Pizza Pops.

Is it pizza? Is it a pop? No, it is neither. It is a Jamaican beef patty stuffed with poutine.

Just what you expected, right? RIGHT???

Poutine is a Canadian food but don’t hold that against it. It’s French fries, which are as American as pizza, covered in gravy, which Americans drown everything in, and cheese, which Americans spell cheez. It actually sounds pretty good. But why oh why stuff it in a pastry? Who thought “I really like this poutine but it would be so much better if it was stuffed inside something?”

And to top it off, Pillsbury has the nerve to call this poutine-filled Jamaican beef patty a “pizza pop.” From what planet is Pillsbury beaming this stuff to Earth?

Meanwhile, Taco Bell has made a whole industry of serving food stuffed inside other food.

THIS IS HOW CHILDREN EAT

Is it too hard to eat a plate of bacon and eggs and a hash brown?

Taco Bell is food for people who don’t like themselves.
Taco Bell is food for people who don’t like food.
I’m just going to say it. Taco Bell is awful. At its best it is embarrassing. I guess it is edible but that may be a matter best left to medical professionals.

I know there are plenty of people out there who eat Taco Bell, but there are also plenty of fully grown people out there who dress up like My Little Pony and get led around on leashes and they are making bad life choices too.

Meanwhile, in other vile food, Taco Bell is using fried chicken as a taco shell.

What is wrong with you people? Why would you eat this? What’s next- wrapping a T-bone steak around some low-grade shredded taco filling and pretending it’s haute cuisine?

And since when did chicken become bread? Here’s KFC’s newest “sandwich.”

What is going on here???????

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“Your entree, Sir. His name was George.”

19 Jul

July 19, 2011

Hrrm. I don’t know about this. On the one hand I can see the advantages to knowing where your dinner came from. On the other hand there are hot dogs, and some things we are better off not knowing.

I love steak but all I really need to know is that it came from a cow and not a giraffe or an okapi. (Endangered species meat is tough and stringy.) I suppose if you pin me down I’d like to know that my meal came from a cow that grazed on grass as opposed to manure. Of course, with all the steroids, hormones, and bizarre chemical cocktails that go into animal feed the manure might be preferable. Unless it came from a cow fed on steroids, hormones, and bizarre chemical cocktails so the point is really moot. I guess the bottom line is that you never really know what goes into your food unless you grow your own. And since I live in apartment I am not raising my own cattle. I tried that with bacon and it didn’t work.

Unless your name is Watson or Crick (google ’em) what do you know about DNA? “Say, that cow has a mighty nice double helix to its molecular DNA structure.” There is a point, and this is it, where you are a pretentious dwad if you need to know something as esoteric as your dinner’s chromosomal history. Right now there are people who insist on knowing what herd the cow came from, what county, what it ate, if it was left out in the rain, and really, why? Look I get that some cows eat better than others and that affects what goes into your body. Fine. But do I really need to know the genetic pedigree of my cheeseburger? The cholesterol will kill me first.

I prefer my steaks medium-well and anonymous. All this madness about knowing your meat’s pedigree, combined with the further and continued use of genetic modifications to cattle can only end badly. Sure, those cows are content now, but what happens when Aldo the cow says “no”? I have seen Planet of the Apes. Soon we may all be mute lab rats to a race of talking, horse riding, human-enslaving cows. Life will be one big Gary Larsen Far Side gag. I only pray that none of this comes about before next week. I have a reservation at Peter Luger’s.

I think Chick-Fil-A knows something...

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