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Tag Archives: bad food

The Chinese French Fry Theory

26 Aug

August 26, 2017

This theory, like many others, began with my Dad but it was quickly adopted by me and for years I lived by its simple precept: 

Never buy food from a Chinese restaurant that serves French fries

It makes sense. It really does. 

  • If someone goes to a Chinese restaurant and orders French fries, it stands to reason that they are not big fans of Chinese food.
  • If enough people go to a Chinese restaurant and order French fries that the restaurant puts it on the menu, it stands to reason that most of their customers do not know much about Chinese food.
  • If most of a Chinese restaurant’s customers would rather order French fries than fried rice, it stands to reason that the restaurant has no incentive to cook really good Chinese food.

So in other words, French fries on a Chinese menu are an indication that the Chinese food isn’t too good. 

Ditto with chicken wings. 

Chicken wings with French fries is NOT a Chinese dish!

 

 

 

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Rise Of The Confused Food

28 Apr

April 28, 2017

There is a whole genre of confused food out there. People take perfectly good food and stuff other perfectly good food inside it. For example, the turducken. That’s a turkey with a duck stuffed inside it and a chicken stuffed inside of the duck. Sounds good, right? RIGHT??? Nah, it sounds awful. Who came up with the idea of eating a chicken rogering a duck while it’s rogering a turkey? That’s just wrong.

But it gets worse. Take, for example, Pizza Pops.

Is it pizza? Is it a pop? No, it is neither. It is a Jamaican beef patty stuffed with poutine.

Just what you expected, right? RIGHT???

Poutine is a Canadian food but don’t hold that against it. It’s French fries, which are as American as pizza, covered in gravy, which Americans drown everything in, and cheese, which Americans spell cheez. It actually sounds pretty good. But why oh why stuff it in a pastry? Who thought “I really like this poutine but it would be so much better if it was stuffed inside something?”

And to top it off, Pillsbury has the nerve to call this poutine-filled Jamaican beef patty a “pizza pop.” From what planet is Pillsbury beaming this stuff to Earth?

Meanwhile, Taco Bell has made a whole industry of serving food stuffed inside other food.

THIS IS HOW CHILDREN EAT

Is it too hard to eat a plate of bacon and eggs and a hash brown?

Taco Bell is food for people who don’t like themselves.
Taco Bell is food for people who don’t like food.
I’m just going to say it. Taco Bell is awful. At its best it is embarrassing. I guess it is edible but that may be a matter best left to medical professionals.

I know there are plenty of people out there who eat Taco Bell, but there are also plenty of fully grown people out there who dress up like My Little Pony and get led around on leashes and they are making bad life choices too.

Meanwhile, in other vile food, Taco Bell is using fried chicken as a taco shell.

What is wrong with you people? Why would you eat this? What’s next- wrapping a T-bone steak around some low-grade shredded taco filling and pretending it’s haute cuisine?

And since when did chicken become bread? Here’s KFC’s newest “sandwich.”

What is going on here???????

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