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Tag Archives: . Taco Bell

Rise Of The Confused Food

28 Apr

April 28, 2017

There is a whole genre of confused food out there. People take perfectly good food and stuff other perfectly good food inside it. For example, the turducken. That’s a turkey with a duck stuffed inside it and a chicken stuffed inside of the duck. Sounds good, right? RIGHT??? Nah, it sounds awful. Who came up with the idea of eating a chicken rogering a duck while it’s rogering a turkey? That’s just wrong.

But it gets worse. Take, for example, Pizza Pops.

Is it pizza? Is it a pop? No, it is neither. It is a Jamaican beef patty stuffed with poutine.

Just what you expected, right? RIGHT???

Poutine is a Canadian food but don’t hold that against it. It’s French fries, which are as American as pizza, covered in gravy, which Americans drown everything in, and cheese, which Americans spell cheez. It actually sounds pretty good. But why oh why stuff it in a pastry? Who thought “I really like this poutine but it would be so much better if it was stuffed inside something?”

And to top it off, Pillsbury has the nerve to call this poutine-filled Jamaican beef patty a “pizza pop.” From what planet is Pillsbury beaming this stuff to Earth?

Meanwhile, Taco Bell has made a whole industry of serving food stuffed inside other food.

THIS IS HOW CHILDREN EAT

Is it too hard to eat a plate of bacon and eggs and a hash brown?

Taco Bell is food for people who don’t like themselves.
Taco Bell is food for people who don’t like food.
I’m just going to say it. Taco Bell is awful. At its best it is embarrassing. I guess it is edible but that may be a matter best left to medical professionals.

I know there are plenty of people out there who eat Taco Bell, but there are also plenty of fully grown people out there who dress up like My Little Pony and get led around on leashes and they are making bad life choices too.

Meanwhile, in other vile food, Taco Bell is using fried chicken as a taco shell.

What is wrong with you people? Why would you eat this? What’s next- wrapping a T-bone steak around some low-grade shredded taco filling and pretending it’s haute cuisine?

And since when did chicken become bread? Here’s KFC’s newest “sandwich.”

What is going on here???????

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First World Problems!

3 Dec

December 3, 2012

keyes

You’re all familiar with the concept of “First World Problems”, correct?  The common definition is “a frustration or complaint only experienced by privileged individuals in wealthy countries.” This is summed up below thanks to one of my favorite websites, memegenerator.net

                       first world problems meme

(I highly recommend this site for some great laughs. Check out Bad Luck Brian – remember him from Uncle Majic post? He’s the kid who unfortunately got raped – Scumbag Steve, and the rest of the memebots!)

 This is the first thing that jumped to my mind when I saw some of the following products. I don’t deny the cleverness of them, or that they solve modern annoyances…..but jeeze, you know? I’m as hard hearted as anyone but even I have limits:

1)      PIZZAZAZZZ!

Don’tcha hate it when you slice your pizza and the toppings and cheese slide off?  Well now this problem is solved! Presenting…..PIZZA SCISSORS!!!  A clever combination of scissors and spatula. Having so much food in one dish is such an inconvenience, isn’t it?

 pizza scisssors

 

This reminds me of South Park, where Starvin’ Marvin goes to the buffet with Cartman:

http://www.southparkstudios.fi/clips/150002/king-jimmys-buffet

NO STARVIN’ MARVIN, THAT’S MY POT PIE! AND SO WHAT IF YOU’RE STARVING, I NEED TO KEEP MY PIZZA TOPPINGS ON TOP OF MY SLICE GODDAMMIT!!!  (God help me though, I did order one. I do hate it when my meat stalker supreme falls apart before I can shotgun it like a pelican)

 2)      HUNT FOR RED FORKTOBER

 titanium spork 

Looks pretty harmless you say? Even kinda cute? Yes, and we all have fond memories of eating tater tots (yummy!!) in the school lunchroom. What makes this annoying to me is this is made of titanium. Yes…TITANIUM.

According to Wikipedia entry for titanium: “two most useful properties of the metal form are corrosion resistance and the highest strength-to-weight ratio of any metal. In its unalloyed condition, titanium is as strong as some steels, but 45% lighter.”  You know what titanium is used for? Submarine hulls:

 sub 

Reactors:

 reactor

 

This valuable metal is used to help create the pinnacles of human achievement…….and sporks. FEH.  Sweet meteorite of doom, you can come take us any time now.

 

3)      TACO SOLO ESTUPIDO

individual taco caddy

¿Si molesto cuando su delicioso, carga taco siempre se vuelca, enviando su deliciosa comida que fluye en la placa? Poner un taco en una placa en el lado de it ahora es demasiado inconveniente para nosotros, necesitamos para poner nuestros alimentos en carritos individuales poco pequeñita para que nosotros mismos desfiladero en las comidas de la Inmaculada. Personalmente Limpie mis tacos con “Pledge” antes de comer para conseguir ese brillo de nuevo taco!

4)      BECAUSE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SHOULD NEVER MIX (or you’re too lazy to wash 2 knives)

pbj

Remember the days when we were proud to mix our food?

I prefer this take on it though… 

Now if the PB mixes with the J a second before it hits the bread, we freak out. What a nation of prissypants we’ve become. When I was a kid I used to make PB&J by scooping it out with my hands and I survived. ( I REGRET NOTHING!!!!!!! But don’t tell my parents, they’d be pretty fouled out to know)

 

5)      IT’S COME TO THIS

 lazy glasses

 

Glasses that allow us to read, watch porn, or play video games while laying flat on our backs.  We’re officially too lazy to even sit up to watch TV anymore. You know what’s next?

(apologies for the awful clip quality)

South Park, Family Guy AND Simpsons clips? I hit the trifecta this week!

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