Tag Archives: Obama

MURDERCHIMP!

26 Sep

September 26, 2014

Sometimes when I’m writing I have no idea when inspiration will strike. Remember my awesome TV pitch, President Hobo? That would make ABC millions! If only they answer my phone calls. And my movie treatment for Hamsterus! would have made DreamWorks a fortune, if it wasn’t for that restraining order Spielberg put on me.

Well I’ve done it again. There I was, wasting time on some stupid Hollywood Russell story and I realized what an idiot I was. Some guy from the last century named Hollywood? C’mon, his big claim to fame is that he wears a trench coat. Big deal, so did Winston Churchill at the Yalta Conference. Big whoop. I’ve been wasting my time. The public doesn’t want some old mystery dude, they want something new, something modern.

They want MURDERCHIMP!

I haven’t really figured out what a Murderchimp is, but trust me, this is the next BIG THING! I’m so sure it’ll be big that I’ve already written the back cover blurbs to what I know is going to be my bestselling idea. And it may not even be a book! I have no idea, but this has to be good, I can feel it!

MURDERCHIMP!

WHO is MURDERCHIMP?
WHAT is MURDERCHIMP?
WHEN is MURDERCHIMP?
WHERE is MURDERCHIMP?
WHY is MURDERCHIMP?
HOW is MURDERCHIMP?

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MURDERCHIMP is the international assassin for hire. He works only for the highest bidders of the highest bidders who can bid even higher!

MURDERCHIMP is the high-flying, tuxedo-wearing, blood-letting, roller-skate traveling, internationally known assassin loved by women the world over and feared by men the world over!

MURDERCHIMP can scale walls, climb trees, eat bananas, and make love in 347 different positions!

MURDERCHIMP! The only chimp/assassin/jet-setter/Blaxploitation hero you’ll ever need!

MURDERCHIMP! Is always capitalized and never marginalized!

CELEBRITY KUDOS FOR MURDERCHIMP!

“It was Murderchimp, Sam!” – Jack Klugman

“I’ll never forget Murderchimp.” – Mohammed Ali

“If only we had Murderchimp to stop ISIL.” – President Obama, before Congress

This is going to be awesome! So what if Jack Klugman is dead, he’d LOVE MURDERCHIMP! So whatever MURDERCHIMP turns out to be- a book, bedsheets, contraceptive, whatever- rush out and buy seven or eight! Trust me, you’ll love it, and I’ll love the cash!

 

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Lying Awake with John Newly

24 Jul

July 24, 2014

Good morning everyone, it’s 3:05 in the am and you’re listening to Lying Awake with John Newly on 463 AM WKAT The Kat. I’m John Newly and coming up this hour, I’ll be talking to Dr. Roger Steadman about his new book, The Undersea Reptoid Kingdom, all about the intelligent inhabitants of the world’s hidden ocean cities, this ought to be good. But first I’ll be taking your phone calls at 1-800-467-WKAT right after these messages.

Commercial airs for a conspiracy theory DVD- Did Kennedy Kill the Dinosaurs?

Promo airs for WKAT morning show, Wake Up With Julia.

And we’re back! I’m John Newly and Mickey from Atlanta Georgia, you’re up first on Lying Awake.

-Hello?

Hello Mickey, what’s on your mind?

-Um yeah, I want to talk to John Newly?

I’m John, go ahead.

-Oh, uh, wow, yeah, hi. My name is Mickey and I’m calling from Atlanta, in the South.

What do you want to talk about Mickey?

-Uh, I’m kind of nervous, (nervous laughter). I’ve never been on the radio before.

That’s OK Mickey, but you’re running out of time.

-Oh, sorry, well, last week, me and my friend Neil and me, we saw a UFO over my house. It was like, really big.

What did it look like?

-It was really big and had lights on it, and we both watched it and I said to Neil that maybe he should call his sister, she’s a cop, but Neil said that he didn’t have his phone. I didn’t have mine either I left it inside by the pizza or I would have gotten pictures.

Wow, so how long did you watch this UFO? What did it do?

-We watched it for awhile, then it just flew over the house and I didn’t see where it was going because it was behind the house.

That’s amazing. Thanks Mickey. Let’s go to our next caller, Dan, on our international line. Dan, where are you calling from?

-I’m calling from an island, that’s all I want to say, I don’t like to reveal too much.

Fair enough Dan. These days you can’t be too careful.

-Yeah, this guest you have on later, about the reptoids? Make sure you ask him if Obama is a reptoid, he’s kinda got those reptoid features, you know?

I’ve heard those rumors too Dan. That sure would be something. It’s 3:16 in the am on 463 AM WKAT The Kat and we’ll be back with more of your calls after this.

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