Tag Archives: bread

A Good Old-Fashioned Polar Vortex

22 Jan

January 22, 2014

We had another one of those polar-vortex/bombogenesis things today, just like they had in the good ol’ days when they called these things what they are: snowstorms.

As a public service, I took to Facebook to give updates and helpful tips to the masses.

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7 am: The snow is coming today.

Tip #1- In Brooklyn, it is acceptable to decorate your snowman with empty cans of motor oil and cigarette butts.

 

9 am: It is snowing out.

Tip #2: If you stand outside and try to catch a snowflake on your tongue, you may also catch a dog peeing on your leg.

 

12 pm: The snow is getting harder.

Tip #3: Your local McDonald’s now has 14 homeless guys sitting around the play area.

 

1:30 pm: The snow is getting deeper.

Tip #4: Deep snow can cover a lot of dog poop, so step carefully

 

5 pm: The snow is going to continue all night.

Tip#5: It’ll be dark out. Turn on some lights.

 

8 pm: The snow continues.

Tip #6: So does Keeping Up With The Kardashians. We all have our personal Hells.

 

If I saved just one life it will have been worth it.

Snow

 

 

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(The Same Ol’) Bagful of Lies

26 Oct

October 26, 2013

Saturdays are rough lately, real rough. A new blog??? On Saturday???? What the-??

See what I mean? It is hard to keep up my wealthy man-about-town lifestyle and still get out a Saturday blog. Hence this Classic Repost.)

From January 29, 2013

I love croutons. A good bunch of croutons can really make a great salad. Cheddar and bacon, garlic and butter, you name it, I really love those toasted squares of stale bread and my salad isn’t a salad without them. But this particular bag of croutons just makes me angry. Who does it think it is anyway, insulting my intelligence?

croutons

New York brand croutons expects me to believe that they have the Original Texas Toast? Really? I’d think that the original Texas toast would come from, oh, … TEXAS.


Hold on to your hats, it gets worse! Turns out this bag of NEW YORK croutons is not made in New York at all!

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“New York” brand “Texas Toast” made in Ohio! Is there no truth in the world anymore? What can I trust? It was bad enough when I realized that no train stopped at my local Subway franchise, and not long ago I found out that beloved McDonald’s shill Grimace was played by the same man who dressed as the Hamburgler. Sheesh, no artistic integrity there either!

This just ruins my salad. I can’t eat croutons under false pretenses. Thanks a lot, Marzetti Company, you’ve just ruined my diet.

croutons LIE

And I think the Hamburgler is flashing gang signs in this picture. If he’s a Crip then I think McDonald’s should consider changing their advertising strategy.

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