Tag Archives: milk

A Good Old-Fashioned Polar Vortex

22 Jan

January 22, 2014

We had another one of those polar-vortex/bombogenesis things today, just like they had in the good ol’ days when they called these things what they are: snowstorms.

As a public service, I took to Facebook to give updates and helpful tips to the masses.

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7 am: The snow is coming today.

Tip #1- In Brooklyn, it is acceptable to decorate your snowman with empty cans of motor oil and cigarette butts.

 

9 am: It is snowing out.

Tip #2: If you stand outside and try to catch a snowflake on your tongue, you may also catch a dog peeing on your leg.

 

12 pm: The snow is getting harder.

Tip #3: Your local McDonald’s now has 14 homeless guys sitting around the play area.

 

1:30 pm: The snow is getting deeper.

Tip #4: Deep snow can cover a lot of dog poop, so step carefully

 

5 pm: The snow is going to continue all night.

Tip#5: It’ll be dark out. Turn on some lights.

 

8 pm: The snow continues.

Tip #6: So does Keeping Up With The Kardashians. We all have our personal Hells.

 

If I saved just one life it will have been worth it.

Snow

 

 

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Radio Transcript of the Uncle Bosco Show, June 19th, 1946

19 Jun

June 19, 2013

CARNIVAL MUSIC SWELLS

ANNOUNCER: Hey kids, are you ready? Then stand up and clap for THE UNLCE BOSCO SHOW!

KIDS CLAPPING AND CHEERING

ANNOUNCER: Yes, that’s right, it’s time for Uncle Bosco and all his friends!  Captain Danny, Skinny, and even Sneaky the Pirate! And Aunt Pickle will be stopping by! Wow, I hope she brought one of her famous pickle pies!

KIDS CLAPPING AND CHEERING MORE LOUDLY

ANNOUNCER: But first kids, run into the kitchen and get yourself a big glass of chocolate milk made with BOSCO chocolate milk amplifier syrup! You know, the kind you ask your mom to buy every week? Because it is BOSC-OOOOH so good!

bosco

KIDS CHEERING

ANNOUNCER:  And now here he is- UNCLE BOSCO!

CARNIVAL MUSIC SWELLS

UNCLE BOSCO: Hiya kids! (pause for cheers) Today we are going on a trip to the highest mountain in the world, Mt. Tall Top! (pause for cheers) We’re going to search for the very rare BLOOP-BLOOP BIRD! Now who wants to go with me?

KIDS: Me! Me! Yay! Etc.

Uncle Bosco: Hey, look at that, I guess everyone wants to ride in Uncle Bosco’s super buzz-plane! But I see one little boy in the front row wearing his Uncle Bosco pin, which he got with only 5 tops from cans of Bosco chocolate milk amplifier syrup! Skinny, why don’t you bring him up here with me?

Skinny: Yes sir Uncle Bosco! Yippee this is a lucky boy!

Uncle Bosco: You bet he is!

Skinny: He doesn’t want to come on stage, Uncle Bosco!

Uncle Bosco: Sure he does, just take his arm and bring him –
(interrupting) Skinny: OW! He bit me!

Uncle Bosco: Now now son, settle down and-
(interrupting ) Skinny: He’s kicking me!

ANNOUNCER: Say, I think we’ll find another young Bosco-teer right after we take this commercial break for Bosco!

Uncle Bosco: That’s right, Bosco, the chocolate milk amplifier syrup that makes milk chocolaty! Swell kids all over your town are enjoying- hey!

Skinny: He’s LOOSE! THE KID IS LOOSE!

Uncle Bosco: Now kid, give Uncle Bosco back his script…

(off mic) Aunt Pickle: Where’d he go? Where’d he go?

KIDS YELLING AND SCREAMING, SOUNDS OF CHAIRS BEING KNOCKED OVER

(off mic) UNKNOWN VOICE: Kill the show, throw it to news! Kill the show!

CARNIVAL MUSIC SWELLS

ANNOUNCER: The Uncle Bosco Show was brought to you- OW! He’s under my desk! He’s biting me!

(off mic) Aunt Pickle: He’s in the control room!

(off mic) UNKNOWN VOICE: Shut it down now!

 

STATIC

Bosco2

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