Tag Archives: Allan Keyes

Allan Keyes Urges You To Shop Smart! Shop Keyes Mart!

2 Dec

December 2, 2013

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Today is Cyber Monday. This follows Black Friday and Small Business Saturday, but precedes Empty Wallet Wednesday. In this final Thanksgiving Classic Repost, Allan Keyes has some ideas on how you should spend your money. And as a bonus, we get a brief Jokeclops appearance. TRIVIA: Jokeclops has not appeared in this blog since this column originally ran last year. Don’t worry. Unlike Mr. Know-It-All, Jokeclops will be back.

from September 3, 2012

            “Buy This Stuff! We Have Legal Bills!”

Just in time for Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa and any other holiday we can cash in on, Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride is proud to open the shopping section of our web site for our valued customers.

SPECIAL OFFERS!!!!

*FREE SHIPPING AVAILABLE!   (*customer must pay shipping surcharge)

*RUSH DELIVERY GUARANTEED!   (*rush orders guaranteed to ship within three months of payment)

*SPECIFY GIFT WRAP!   (*then go out and buy the wrapping paper you want)

*EASY RETURN POLICY!  (*we don’t accept any)


LITERARY CORNER:

Fresh from the remainder bins at Borders, Kill Whitey is Allen Keyes’ poignant memoir of growing up as an outsider in turbulent 1960’s Schenectady. From his time as founder of the Black Leopard Party, to his stints as henchman in various anarcho-activist groups, to his invention of LSD, Keyes lays bare his soul in this decades-spanning saga.  1,273 pages.  “Allen Keyes pulls no punches. If you want to read a 10-page long lovingly written description of Keyes bludgeoning various people with his signature lead-filled baseball bat, this one is for you. Highest recommendation!” – Christian Science Monitor Review of Books

 Now it can be told! Hollywood icon and abusive father Bing Crosby reveals his life-long “partnership” with his “good friend” Allen Keyes.  From their first meeting at Frank Sinatra’s bathhouse, to the falling out over Keyes advising Crosby to pass on “Singing in the Rain”, Crosby’s memoir is written in regretful, haunting prose.  272 pages, picture insert.  “The Crosby family hereby forbids you from promoting or selling this publication” —  Lawyer for the Crosby Estate

 

The State of New York vs Allen Keyes.  For the first time, the complete set of court transcripts detailing all of Keyes’ various battles with the law are unsealed! Previously unreleased materials include:  Juvenile offender hearing transcripts, suppressed testimony from the butler at the Brooke Astor trial, and the District Attorney’s personal rebuttal to the verdict from the nursing home inquiry. Order by Oct. 1 and received an autographed courtroom sketch! – “This guy…….he’s not my kind of guy”  — Hon. Rudolph Giuliani

 ON THE GO:

Mr.BTR ANALOG EDITION.   No time to read your favorite blog? Too broke to own a digital device or smartphone?  We got you covered! Take Fat Guy, Saturday Comics, Imponderables and the rest of your favorites along with you, anytime, anywhere!  Analog edition comes in monthly or yearly subscription plans.  Portability has never been so fun or useful!  Analog reader sold separately.

LIFESTYLE:

STYLISH BOOKENDS! OUR MOST POPULAR SELLER! Made from the highest quality Newark Lucite, these hip bookends make a statement about your quality of taste and décor. Nothing says understated and elegant like the fat guy! 6×5 in., 3lbs each. Made in China.  Also available in white frame.

GAME MART:

The #1 game in Monaco comes to the United States! Game modes include 1-player, 2-player and 17-player online experience. Rated C. Order by Oct. 1 and receive exclusive code to download the locked Hillbilly Cosplay  level!  Available for Xbox, PS3, Wii or Atari 2600.   “1 out of 10” —– EGM    “What the he—is this crap??” – Editor’s Pick, Xbox Magazine

FASHION CORNER:

ENDORSED BY SNOOKI!  Fashionable Mr.BTR t-shirts! Handcrafted from the finest Egyptian cotton and custom designed by our exclusive stable of artists, these T-shirts are sure to make you the envy of your friends, and THE fashion icon in your neighborhood. Available in a variety of styles.

Mr. Blog’s Picks of the Month:

Jokeclops brand cheap booze! For when you want to get your a$$ ripped!!!  500-proof. “That sh-t knocks me out!” – Lindsey Lohan

Just in time for Christmas! Keyes Kroons Kristmas Ksongs has all your favorite hits, including Kwhite Kristmas, and Kjingle Kbells! Also available as an iTunes download.–  “Timeless, a true American Classic” – Bono, U2

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Allan Keyes Is Angry About Commercial Stupidity

18 Nov

November 18, 2013

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One of my favorite pastimes is going outside and yelling at the clouds. I mean look at them – acting all sexy and seductive, the teases! It’s enough to make me want to take a knife and slash slash slash…..but anyway, my court-appointed therapist informed me that that sort of behavior will be frowned upon by the judge. So as a sort of substitute, I watch TV and yell about the commercials instead. Here’s one that really grinds my gears:

“A HOTDOG MAKES ME LOSE CONTROL”

At first, this one really REALLY irritated me. I mean look – it assumes that a fairly attractive (in a severe way) wife is dumb enough to believe that her husband is openly flirting with the donut girl right in front of her. And that’s an annoying proposition – I HATE HATE HATE commercials that are stupid to the point of insulting. But the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. I mean look, I can’t count how many times I’ve been out with the wife getting lunch (we like to eat) and I take one look at the sandwich artist girl (or guy) making my turkey club and just blurt out “DAMN! I LIKES ME SOME ‘O DAT ASS!” right in front of her.

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I mean, yeah it takes about 20 minutes to convince her that I mean pASStrami but still, I can relate.

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There is one other thing I want to mention – get a look at that “sausage” – it’s a split hotdog. If you find that kind of crap tasty, you deserve to be cursed with a wife who’ll throw down over a donut girl.

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Mr. Blog Asks: Are they that cheap that they couldn’t afford a round patty? 

On a related note, this comes up on youtube as the “STUPIDEST COMMERCIAL EVER”

Hard to disagree really.

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