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Tag Archives: fat guy eating burger

Allan Keyes Urges You To Shop Smart! Shop Keyes Mart!

2 Dec

December 2, 2013

thanksgiving header

Today is Cyber Monday. This follows Black Friday and Small Business Saturday, but precedes Empty Wallet Wednesday. In this final Thanksgiving Classic Repost, Allan Keyes has some ideas on how you should spend your money. And as a bonus, we get a brief Jokeclops appearance. TRIVIA: Jokeclops has not appeared in this blog since this column originally ran last year. Don’t worry. Unlike Mr. Know-It-All, Jokeclops will be back.

from September 3, 2012

            “Buy This Stuff! We Have Legal Bills!”

Just in time for Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa and any other holiday we can cash in on, Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride is proud to open the shopping section of our web site for our valued customers.

SPECIAL OFFERS!!!!

*FREE SHIPPING AVAILABLE!   (*customer must pay shipping surcharge)

*RUSH DELIVERY GUARANTEED!   (*rush orders guaranteed to ship within three months of payment)

*SPECIFY GIFT WRAP!   (*then go out and buy the wrapping paper you want)

*EASY RETURN POLICY!  (*we don’t accept any)


LITERARY CORNER:

Fresh from the remainder bins at Borders, Kill Whitey is Allen Keyes’ poignant memoir of growing up as an outsider in turbulent 1960’s Schenectady. From his time as founder of the Black Leopard Party, to his stints as henchman in various anarcho-activist groups, to his invention of LSD, Keyes lays bare his soul in this decades-spanning saga.  1,273 pages.  “Allen Keyes pulls no punches. If you want to read a 10-page long lovingly written description of Keyes bludgeoning various people with his signature lead-filled baseball bat, this one is for you. Highest recommendation!” Christian Science Monitor Review of Books

 Now it can be told! Hollywood icon and abusive father Bing Crosby reveals his life-long “partnership” with his “good friend” Allen Keyes.  From their first meeting at Frank Sinatra’s bathhouse, to the falling out over Keyes advising Crosby to pass on “Singing in the Rain”, Crosby’s memoir is written in regretful, haunting prose.  272 pages, picture insert.  “The Crosby family hereby forbids you from promoting or selling this publication” —  Lawyer for the Crosby Estate

 

The State of New York vs Allen Keyes.  For the first time, the complete set of court transcripts detailing all of Keyes’ various battles with the law are unsealed! Previously unreleased materials include:  Juvenile offender hearing transcripts, suppressed testimony from the butler at the Brooke Astor trial, and the District Attorney’s personal rebuttal to the verdict from the nursing home inquiry. Order by Oct. 1 and received an autographed courtroom sketch! – “This guy…….he’s not my kind of guy”  — Hon. Rudolph Giuliani

 ON THE GO:

Mr.BTR ANALOG EDITION.   No time to read your favorite blog? Too broke to own a digital device or smartphone?  We got you covered! Take Fat Guy, Saturday Comics, Imponderables and the rest of your favorites along with you, anytime, anywhere!  Analog edition comes in monthly or yearly subscription plans.  Portability has never been so fun or useful!  Analog reader sold separately.

LIFESTYLE:

STYLISH BOOKENDS! OUR MOST POPULAR SELLER! Made from the highest quality Newark Lucite, these hip bookends make a statement about your quality of taste and décor. Nothing says understated and elegant like the fat guy! 6×5 in., 3lbs each. Made in China.  Also available in white frame.

GAME MART:

The #1 game in Monaco comes to the United States! Game modes include 1-player, 2-player and 17-player online experience. Rated C. Order by Oct. 1 and receive exclusive code to download the locked Hillbilly Cosplay  level!  Available for Xbox, PS3, Wii or Atari 2600.   “1 out of 10” —– EGM    “What the he—is this crap??” – Editor’s Pick, Xbox Magazine

FASHION CORNER:

ENDORSED BY SNOOKI!  Fashionable Mr.BTR t-shirts! Handcrafted from the finest Egyptian cotton and custom designed by our exclusive stable of artists, these T-shirts are sure to make you the envy of your friends, and THE fashion icon in your neighborhood. Available in a variety of styles.

Mr. Blog’s Picks of the Month:

Jokeclops brand cheap booze! For when you want to get your a$$ ripped!!!  500-proof. “That sh-t knocks me out!” – Lindsey Lohan

Just in time for Christmas! Keyes Kroons Kristmas Ksongs has all your favorite hits, including Kwhite Kristmas, and Kjingle Kbells! Also available as an iTunes download.–  “Timeless, a true American Classic” – Bono, U2

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“Best” of Allan Keyes: Discontinued McDonald’s Food

11 Feb

February 11, 2013

Mr. Blog here. Allan Keyes has come down with an unfortunate case of the “Idonwannas.”
“Idonwanna go to work.”
“Idonwanna get out of bed.”
“Idonwanna write a stupid post for your lousy blog.”

To be fair, he has also been barfing up a storm and his face is all red and swollen. He might need medical attention, I don’t know. We’ll wait and see. I gave him a couple of aspirin, that might work.

In the meantime, while Keyes hovers between this world and the next, I dug out what could laughably be called “the best” of his body of work. (“best” = a lot of fat guy eating a cheeseburger. Everyone loves Norman Snackmunch.)

from July 16, 2012


Anyone else waiting for the McRib to come back? I actually follow the McDonalds Twitter just in hopes of seeing the announcement that it’s coming back “only for a limited time.” I know it’s probably as shady a sandwich as Krusty Burgers “Ribwich” 

or even this yummy sounding sandwich 

but there’s something about  that overly processed pork-like meat product drowned in overly tangy sauce, cooked to peak rubber texture,  and slapped on that bland potato bun that really sets my mouth watering. Serously.  How can you not love this thing? I mean look at it, it’s even shaped like a rack of ribs


Any product that involves injecting meat into shaped molds holds a dear place in my heart. But the McRib is a bit of an anomaly, usually when a burger fails, it’s never seen again, banished down the fast-food memory hole.  So I got to thinking….. (yeah, you see where this is going)

FUN WITH TEH INTERNETS:  DISCONTINUED MCDONALDS FOOD

Side note….when word started to get around that I was working on this, a regular to this blog contacted me and asked if he could add guest commentary, and I was only too happy to oblige him.

#5: Salad Shaker:

Never mind the salad, look at the tool advertising this lol!  He’s like the salad Fonzie….

#4: McLean Deluxe

Ah yes…..McDonalds’ attempt at a “diet” burger. When word got out it contained a small bit of seaweed (no, really) that kind of killed it straightaway. Besides, when we go to Mickey D’s……we don’t want healthy. Asshats.


#3: McPizza

 

And Italy weeps. Epic……EPIC fail. Clever use of the logo aside, the pizza never looked like this. The best comparison I can think of would be if you covered a small Styrofoam Frisbee with half-melted cheese. Instead of putting the local pizzeria competition or Pizza Hut out of business, it drove customers away as they flocked to get the real thing.

#2: McDLT

Let’s all say it together: HOT SIDE STAYS HOT! COLD SIDE STAYS COLD!  I’m pretty sure David Letterman got great mileage out of this one.  And I remember an old Yakov Smirnoff bit around this….”In Russia, cold side stays cold, and hot side stays cold also!” What’s ol’ Yakov up to now? Lets watch! 

The best thing about this burger, aside from the fantastic use of Styrofoam?  George Costanza makes  a fool out of himself:

#1: Hula Burger

First of all, it sounds like an old Polynesian Jew : Hula Berger.  That groaner aside, this was Ray Kroc’s attempt to capitalize on meatless Fridays, by offering a “burger” consisting of a slice of pineapple and American cheese.  Still, this was less over the top (though less laugh inducing) than Kroc’s other brainstorm of berating  his baseball team the San Diego Padres over the stadium public address system after a game (true story).

In the meantime, McDonalds continues to experiment with pineapple for some reason….

 

 

COMING NEXT WEEK: A special rant: “This Gentleman Needs to Have His Ass Kicked”

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