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What have you been up to, Mr. Blog?

17 Dec

December 17, 2015

I know, I know, I’m sorry. It has been over two weeks since my last post and while I heard the collective sigh of relief (“No new blog today? Good.”) I’ve also gotten lots of questions about my absence. They range from “Hey Mr. Blog, did you finally realize you have no talent?” to “You’re not coming back, are you? Please say no.”

Well, the truth is that I’ve been very, very busy. You see, I’ve been very caught up in some important correspondence with the federal government. Let me give you an example.

Dear Postmaster General

I think I know how to raise the money you need to cover your budget without raising the price of stamps. Why do people today use email to send messages and pay their bills electronically? It has nothing to do with ease and speed. It is all about how yucky your stamps taste. If people liked licking stamps they would use more of them. Just add some cherry flavor and watch sales soar! Kids love sugary snacks. If they start licking stamps, imagine how many they would buy. And kids wouldn’t even use them on letters, they’d lick them like candy! Just think about how you could market this. “Lick my stamps!” comes to mind.

 ————–

Dear “Mr. Blog”:

We are in receipt of your recent letter, as well as the 52 before it. This is the last time you will hear from us. Immediately cease and desist all correspondence with our office or we will be forced to take legal action

Thank You

Stephen J Cannell

And that’s not all. I’ve also joined a focus group. If you’ve ever been vaccinated against European screaming measles or West Nile Death Virus, the chances are they tested it on me. Trust me, the vaccines are perfectly safe. Most of the pustules have gone away already, and nearly all of my hair has grown back. (OK, so it hasn’t grown back in the same place, but it came back.)

But I’ve also been hired to do some professional writing. Unfortunately, I’ve had to use a pen name. Breathless Anticipation Press doesn’t think that Mr. Blog is a good name for an author of erotic science fiction. Here’s an excerpt of my upcoming eBook Lusty Space Maidens of Planet Spicy 7, under the name Thighs Mighty.

Captain Rock Longhard stood before his alien captor, Queen Insatiable of the Firm Bodice. She ran her hands across Rock Longhard’s bare chest. Glittering with sweat and panting breathlessly, she gave him an ultimatum: “Remove your pants or I will remove them for you!” Taking out her leather space whip, she said in a husky voice “Please, resist me!” Longhard licked his lips and took off his pants.

So yeah, I’ve got that going on too. Hey, I’ve got bills to pay.

But the good news is that I haven’t forgotten you, loyal readers. The four of you can rest easy that there are more blogs on the way, sometime. Maybe even before the year is through! Don’t forget, the motto of this blog is Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn, which roughly translated means “same Bat time, same Bat channel.”

 

 

 

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Workplace Logic Update: Close The Door!

28 Apr

April 28, 2015

Last week I told you about the drama, stupidity, and more stupidity surrounding a smashed open vending machine at The Company I Am Employed by at this moment. In a nutshell: Instead of fixing a broken candy machine, my company installed a surveillance camera and fired anyone who stole a Kit Kat bar. (Although it didn’t have to be a Kit Kat bar. You could fired for stealing M+M’s too.) This went on for a week. NOTE: They left the jagged glass shards in place as, I can only assume, a theft deterrent. And why not? It isn’t like jagged glass shards pose a safety hazard to the rest of the staff. 

Well, the machine has been fixed and restocked, and the prices were, amazingly, not raised. No need to. A small bag of Doritos already costs $1.10. Raising prices even higher is something only a cable company would do. 

However, my company has taken steps to prevent future vandalism.

1- They closed the door to the pantry where the machines are located.
2- They put up this sign: “Please keep this door closed to prevent entry by non-company personnel.”

stock-vector-keep-out-sign-warning-prohibition-sign-vector-146145179

This is not the sign. The real sign was block printed on a sheet of white paper.

So I guess they concluded that an employee or employees of another company in the building smashed and looted the machine. OK, that’s all well and good. There’s only one problem with the new closed-door policy.

The door is closed but not locked. Anyone can get in by simply… opening the door!

But by gosh! This company sure has addressed the issue! And golly, do I feel better!

Meanwhile, the door was left open most of the day, and still open when I went home.

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