Archive | February, 2013

Bigger Disappointment…..? (Cinema Edition)

4 Feb

February 4, 2013

keyes1.jpg

This is my shameless attempt to tie into current events (the Academy Awards are sorta going on around this time of year aren’t they?)

Anyway, I’ve seen my share of FAIL movies over the years, but some of them just disappoint more than others. I’m not talking about flops like Ishtar, I’m talking about films that should be slam dunk awesomeness, but the director ruins it by putting in a race of waddling teddy bears or Shia LeBeauf.  Or fails on any number of reasons. So lets play……WHICH FILM WAS THE BIGGER DISAPPOINTMENT?!?!?

RIGHTEOUS KILL     righteous kill

DeNiro. Pacino. ‘NUFF SAID! Right? Er…….wrong actually. We wait decades for these two actors to play beside each other in a movie (and no, two minutes in Heat doesn’t count) and this is what we get? A mishmashed mess of a whodunit with no plot and frankly, lousy acting. DeNiro is old and out of shape,mercifully rocking a formless grey sweatshirt at various points. Pacino just looks awful now:

pacino

At least Pacino has the memory of this awful, awful monologue from Devil’s Advocate: 

The dramatic parting line from this film was “Continued success” It’s unfortunate that this film never had success in the first place. If only this had been done 10 years earlier. And by a different writer, director, and producer. It would’ve been gold Jerry, gold!

 CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY charlie

Depp. Burton. ‘NUFF SAID! Right? Er…….wrong actually (see what I did there?) It seemed like a PERFECT match. Johnny Depp plays “eccentrics” extremely well. And who’s more eccentric than Willy Wonka, rogue chocolatier? And Tim Burton has his own unique style, who better to bring the magic factory and oompa-loompas to life? Right? Yeah, I know. Unfortunately, this film can suck an oompa-loompa, it was that bad. Fail fail FAIL on every level. I’ll come out and say it – Johnny Depp isn’t a patch on Gene Wilder’s rump when it comes to playing Willy Wonka. You don’t see Depp’s Wonka with his own memes do you?

wonka

And what was with the disco-production from the oompa-loompas? This film is a classic case of proving that sometimes newer is most certainly NOT better.

GODZILLA zilla poster

Yes, I acknowledge this film stars Matthew Broderick, so a whole lot of  expected fail-factor was baked in. I get it. But this film epic fails on several levels. Let’s do a helpful list:

1)      DOES THIS LOOK LIKE GODZILLA TO YOU: godzilla

2)      A GODZILLA THAT DIDN’T BREATHE RADIOCATIVE FIRE

3)      A PLOT INVOLVING RUNNING AROUND MADISON SQUARE GARDEN THAT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS REJECTED FOR JURASSIC PARK 9

But the absolute worst, most horrible part of this: P-Diddy’s (*shudder*) destruction of Led Zepplin masterpiece “Kashmir”  for his horrific “Come Follow Me” Listen to it sometime if you need an enema.  But I guess there was some justice to it, seeing as Led Zepplin made their bones ripping off black artists, and now a black artist destroyed their signature song (yes it was, and don’t give me none of that “Stairway to Heaven” crap either. That is the most overrated song ….)

So while all of them killed a little part of my soul, the biggest disappointment was…………………………

deniro pacino

RIGHTEOUS KILL!!!

DeNiro. Pacino. FAIL.  ‘Nuff Said.

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Sneak Peek of the Week of February 3rd, 2013

3 Feb

February 3, 2013

KFC-Colonel-SandersThe time: February 3rd, around dinner time
The place: Somewhere in the Deep South
The characters:
        1-  Old-fashioned Southern Colonel type. Think a cross between Col. Sanders and Foghorn Leghorn with some Col. Tom Parker thrown in
        2- Another old-fashioned Southern colonel type. Exactly the same as the first one.

Col. #1: Well I do say so, Rhett my boy, I show-do say so.
Col. #2: What is that you show-do say, I say, Wilkes, I say, what is it that you say?
Col. #1: Well Rhett, I say, I really do say my boy, I say that this here Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride sure is a peach of a belle, so to speak, if indeed a website named for a man can be compared to a woman, sir, I say, that I do.
Col. #2: I do declare that I do recall one day that Southern boy was fooling around with his guitar- he plays the guitar, you know, and he just up and came out with the darndest thing.
Col.#1: Which Southern boy would that be? It seems to me that indeed there is no shortage of Southern boys here in the Deep South, Land of Cotton, Home of Civility, Bosom of the Confederacy, and so forth and so on I say I say I say.
Col. #2: Lord a Mighty, man, for sure it can only be the one that I caught in the back forty with my little Lulubelle!
Col. #1: Well I’ll be a goll-darned Northern Yankee!

And on and on. It goes on like that for four pages, believe it or not. To make it up to you, I’ll be concise with this week’s Sneak Peek. You’ll get disappointing movies, disappointing, pooping criminals, and a poop-related iPod.

And if I can at all do so, I plan to work the phrase “Great shades of Satan!” into every post this week. Think I can do it?

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