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Archive | 12:01 am

“Best” of Allan Keyes: Discontinued McDonald’s Food

11 Feb

February 11, 2013

Mr. Blog here. Allan Keyes has come down with an unfortunate case of the “Idonwannas.”
“Idonwanna go to work.”
“Idonwanna get out of bed.”
“Idonwanna write a stupid post for your lousy blog.”

To be fair, he has also been barfing up a storm and his face is all red and swollen. He might need medical attention, I don’t know. We’ll wait and see. I gave him a couple of aspirin, that might work.

In the meantime, while Keyes hovers between this world and the next, I dug out what could laughably be called “the best” of his body of work. (“best” = a lot of fat guy eating a cheeseburger. Everyone loves Norman Snackmunch.)

from July 16, 2012


Anyone else waiting for the McRib to come back? I actually follow the McDonalds Twitter just in hopes of seeing the announcement that it’s coming back “only for a limited time.” I know it’s probably as shady a sandwich as Krusty Burgers “Ribwich” 

or even this yummy sounding sandwich 

but there’s something about  that overly processed pork-like meat product drowned in overly tangy sauce, cooked to peak rubber texture,  and slapped on that bland potato bun that really sets my mouth watering. Serously.  How can you not love this thing? I mean look at it, it’s even shaped like a rack of ribs


Any product that involves injecting meat into shaped molds holds a dear place in my heart. But the McRib is a bit of an anomaly, usually when a burger fails, it’s never seen again, banished down the fast-food memory hole.  So I got to thinking….. (yeah, you see where this is going)

FUN WITH TEH INTERNETS:  DISCONTINUED MCDONALDS FOOD

Side note….when word started to get around that I was working on this, a regular to this blog contacted me and asked if he could add guest commentary, and I was only too happy to oblige him.

#5: Salad Shaker:

Never mind the salad, look at the tool advertising this lol!  He’s like the salad Fonzie….

#4: McLean Deluxe

Ah yes…..McDonalds’ attempt at a “diet” burger. When word got out it contained a small bit of seaweed (no, really) that kind of killed it straightaway. Besides, when we go to Mickey D’s……we don’t want healthy. Asshats.


#3: McPizza

 

And Italy weeps. Epic……EPIC fail. Clever use of the logo aside, the pizza never looked like this. The best comparison I can think of would be if you covered a small Styrofoam Frisbee with half-melted cheese. Instead of putting the local pizzeria competition or Pizza Hut out of business, it drove customers away as they flocked to get the real thing.

#2: McDLT

Let’s all say it together: HOT SIDE STAYS HOT! COLD SIDE STAYS COLD!  I’m pretty sure David Letterman got great mileage out of this one.  And I remember an old Yakov Smirnoff bit around this….”In Russia, cold side stays cold, and hot side stays cold also!” What’s ol’ Yakov up to now? Lets watch! 

The best thing about this burger, aside from the fantastic use of Styrofoam?  George Costanza makes  a fool out of himself:

#1: Hula Burger

First of all, it sounds like an old Polynesian Jew : Hula Berger.  That groaner aside, this was Ray Kroc’s attempt to capitalize on meatless Fridays, by offering a “burger” consisting of a slice of pineapple and American cheese.  Still, this was less over the top (though less laugh inducing) than Kroc’s other brainstorm of berating  his baseball team the San Diego Padres over the stadium public address system after a game (true story).

In the meantime, McDonalds continues to experiment with pineapple for some reason….

 

 

COMING NEXT WEEK: A special rant: “This Gentleman Needs to Have His Ass Kicked”

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