Tag Archives: Righteous Kill

Bigger Disappointment…..? (Cinema Edition)

4 Feb

February 4, 2013

keyes1.jpg

This is my shameless attempt to tie into current events (the Academy Awards are sorta going on around this time of year aren’t they?)

Anyway, I’ve seen my share of FAIL movies over the years, but some of them just disappoint more than others. I’m not talking about flops like Ishtar, I’m talking about films that should be slam dunk awesomeness, but the director ruins it by putting in a race of waddling teddy bears or Shia LeBeauf.  Or fails on any number of reasons. So lets play……WHICH FILM WAS THE BIGGER DISAPPOINTMENT?!?!?

RIGHTEOUS KILL     righteous kill

DeNiro. Pacino. ‘NUFF SAID! Right? Er…….wrong actually. We wait decades for these two actors to play beside each other in a movie (and no, two minutes in Heat doesn’t count) and this is what we get? A mishmashed mess of a whodunit with no plot and frankly, lousy acting. DeNiro is old and out of shape,mercifully rocking a formless grey sweatshirt at various points. Pacino just looks awful now:

pacino

At least Pacino has the memory of this awful, awful monologue from Devil’s Advocate: 

The dramatic parting line from this film was “Continued success” It’s unfortunate that this film never had success in the first place. If only this had been done 10 years earlier. And by a different writer, director, and producer. It would’ve been gold Jerry, gold!

 CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY charlie

Depp. Burton. ‘NUFF SAID! Right? Er…….wrong actually (see what I did there?) It seemed like a PERFECT match. Johnny Depp plays “eccentrics” extremely well. And who’s more eccentric than Willy Wonka, rogue chocolatier? And Tim Burton has his own unique style, who better to bring the magic factory and oompa-loompas to life? Right? Yeah, I know. Unfortunately, this film can suck an oompa-loompa, it was that bad. Fail fail FAIL on every level. I’ll come out and say it – Johnny Depp isn’t a patch on Gene Wilder’s rump when it comes to playing Willy Wonka. You don’t see Depp’s Wonka with his own memes do you?

wonka

And what was with the disco-production from the oompa-loompas? This film is a classic case of proving that sometimes newer is most certainly NOT better.

GODZILLA zilla poster

Yes, I acknowledge this film stars Matthew Broderick, so a whole lot of  expected fail-factor was baked in. I get it. But this film epic fails on several levels. Let’s do a helpful list:

1)      DOES THIS LOOK LIKE GODZILLA TO YOU: godzilla

2)      A GODZILLA THAT DIDN’T BREATHE RADIOCATIVE FIRE

3)      A PLOT INVOLVING RUNNING AROUND MADISON SQUARE GARDEN THAT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS REJECTED FOR JURASSIC PARK 9

But the absolute worst, most horrible part of this: P-Diddy’s (*shudder*) destruction of Led Zepplin masterpiece “Kashmir”  for his horrific “Come Follow Me” Listen to it sometime if you need an enema.  But I guess there was some justice to it, seeing as Led Zepplin made their bones ripping off black artists, and now a black artist destroyed their signature song (yes it was, and don’t give me none of that “Stairway to Heaven” crap either. That is the most overrated song ….)

So while all of them killed a little part of my soul, the biggest disappointment was…………………………

deniro pacino

RIGHTEOUS KILL!!!

DeNiro. Pacino. FAIL.  ‘Nuff Said.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

6 Aug

August 6, 2012

I was actually starting to wonder if I should hang it up and quit my gig here. But then Mr. B reminded me of something wonderful – this is my 6th post anniversary here at Mr. BTR!  WHOA. Think about it – 6 posts, that’s 42 in dog posts! And according to Mr. B, the dog could do a better job than me. But since the dog can’t pay him as much as I can (yet) he’s not getting my spot. And he never will, or I’ll have him neutered. I’ve discovered I enjoy writing for the legions of Mr. BTR readers, and especially for the 3 of you who regularly dive into the gutter to read this crap for some reason.

Anyway, congratulatory messages have been pouring into the HQ this week, I’d like to share a few with you. It seems that people are just drawn to my down-to-earthiness (and that’s how you do the humblebrag!)

Thanks Vlad!!!!!!!!!! God, he’s one of my favorite people. Look at these pics – he leads the BEST life:

 

Well, the queen is kinda busy lately. Heck, she doesn’t even have time to pay attention to her own national Olympic team! Anyway, here’s a pic I took last time we were hanging out (she had just read a first draft of my upcoming novel, “Johnny Bananas”)
 

 

Oh Robert, you are such a jokesta!  (Not jokester, calling you that would be hateful) I’ll phone you to discuss this. TONIGHT.  One reason I like you so much is that after all these years, you’re still one handsome devil:

Yes, a little scruffy perhaps (you need to use that razor I left in for you in your medicine cabinet) but overall really not bad. Certainly you’ve aged better than some of your contemporaries:

Mr Blog Says: The word you are looking for is “matronly.”

WTF! Pacino has really let himself go. Scarface! Now he’s kind of an old leather-skinned matron. And this is one of his better pics recently.  And while I’m at it…..dude, Righetous Kill http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1034331/  sucked. We wait our whole lives for a movie where the two of you team up (5 minutes in Heat notwithstanding) and two of the greatest actors of our generation give us this pile of turd? I’ll be over later and we can discuss it. I have 2 binders full of notes for your review.That said, the two of you are doing MUCH better than this guy, he’s aged terribly! One of the best looking guys, and he’s reduced to this. It gives me hope, and more importantly, a great excuse to print two of my favorite pictures of all time:

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……………………oh Jack. Good lord man.

  

I ran this through Google Translate and the text is as follows:

“I am very happy and give thanks to our Great Leader for giving you the talent to write your articles  I believe Kim Jong Il gave you the record and all your achievements It is all because of him”

He enclosed this pic of himself on a horse:

Does anything strike you about this picture (aside from the fact that they can’t even get Supreme Leader a better looking horse?) Look at the horse’s face. It’s the same expression as the horse from Animal House!

I mean yeah, that was right before Flounder killed him, but still. I imagine the horse on top would prefer to kill himself rather than trot Fat Leader around.

 

 

Oooof.  Maybe I should reconsider hanging it up…..

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