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Archive | 12:01 am

Stupid Questions From Stupid People About The Russian Meteorite

19 Feb

February 19, 2013

A meteorite spectacularly slammed into Russia last week. This of course led to a firestorm of speculation since, by sheer coincidence, Earth experienced its closest encounter ever with a potentially killer asteroid that very day.

In the wake of all this cosmic turmoil, Bill Nye was interviewed on CNN. (This is Bill Nye The Science Guy, not Bill Nye from Quinnipiac Carpet Cleaners who will steam four rooms of carpet for only $99.99.) Deb Feyerick began the interview by ambushing Nye with a tough question.

Did global warming cause the meteorite?

Now before you dismiss her as just another stupid news anchor, you should know that she earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in English literature from Barnard College in 1987, so you know she has the proper background to make these amazing scientific intuitive leaps.

Bill Nye, to his credit, tried to talk his way out of saying straight out that she is a complete moron and managed to move past it.

It doesn’t matter which side of the global warming debate you fall on, and I am not even going to get into it here. Both sides universally agree that there is no way that any Earth-based climate change can cause a meteor from the depths of space to attack us. Even Al Gore, one of our most respected asinine Americans wouldn’t say that, and he thinks that selling his news network to Al-Jazeera for big oil bucks was a good move. (Well, I guess it was for him.)

But Dumb Deb is not the only one with a, er, novel explanation for the meteor strike. Just read what this Russian politurd had to say: meteor

Much as I love the idea of bashing John Kerry (and I will in the very next paragraph) I can’t blame him for this. “When something falls, it’s man-made.” I have to dispute this. When something falls, it is usually due to a banana peel.  Does this man not know his cartoons?

John Kerry is a completely out of touch politician, born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He looked like an idiot when he ran for President due to the clever Republican strategy of doing nothing and letting Kerry act like a total out of touch idiot on the campaign trail. And now as a consolation prize for not winning the Presidency, he has been named Secretary of State. Again, without bringing politics into this (any more than I already have) there are few people who voted Democrat (Kerry’s party) who seem to think he is qualified to steam four rooms of carpet for only $99.99, let alone dictate policy.

And now a funny John Kerry story.

While hitting the campaign trail in Philadelphia, Kerry stopped for a photo-op in a famous Philly cheesesteak joint and ordered one. When asked what kind of cheese he wanted, he asked “do you have gouda?” Yes, gouda, the cheese of the common man, which assumes the common man is a rich yachting enthusiast.

I’ll let the legitimate press take it from here (yes, I am typing legitimate press sarcastically because that also includes Deb Feyerick. I seem to be just as legitimate.) This article has been slightly edited for space.

PREZ HOPEFUL ASKS FOR SWISS CHEESE!
by Don Russell of The Philadelphia Daily News
posted Thu, Aug. 14, 2003

We may have just witnessed the unraveling of the Democratic front-runner’s campaign for the White House right here in South Philadelphia, at 9th and Wharton. Let it be recorded: At lunchtime on Aug. 11, 2003, under the familiar awning of Pat’s King of Steaks, Sen. John Kerry attempted to eat a cheesesteak. For presidential candidates, eating a cheesesteak in South Philly is a political rite of passage. Clinton did it, and so did Gore. John McCain gobbled one, with hot peppers.

But this is more than just shaking hands and kissing babies. For a pol, eating a cheesesteak is like running the gauntlet – past the surly counterman, through the variety of toppings, finishing it off without looking lame. We want to see if you can survive. And if you can’t manage a dripping steak, why should we have any confidence that you can handle a slippery character like Osama bin Laden?

Kerry, you may have heard, failed miserably. He ordered a cheesesteak with Swiss cheese. (NOTE: Everyone in Pennsylvania knows you have only two options: American or Cheez Whiz)

Now I suppose in some corners of the world, Swiss is a perfectly acceptable sandwich ingredient. Switzerland, maybe. But in Philadelphia, ordering Swiss on a cheesesteak is like rooting for Dallas at an Eagles game. It isn’t just politically incorrect; it could get you a poke in the nose. Pat’s Steak owner Frank Olivieri had the good grace not to throttle Kerry. But he did advise him that, here in Philly, we don’t much like Swiss-eating campaign monkeys. He got Cheez Whiz instead. The damage, though, was already done.

At first, reporters snickered. Then word filtered into the national press that Kerry looked like a doof. Yesterday, the Washington Post compared the debacle to the first President Bush’s out-of-touch questions upon encountering a common supermarket scanner. Dukakis in a tank. Quayle’s “potatoe” misspelling. Nixon’s five o’clock shadow.

And now this: Kerry’s cheesesteak mistake.

I blame it on his handlers. I mean, who was the dope on his advance team who told Kerry to order a cheesesteak hoagie? For cryin’ out loud, the guy’s a rookie; eating a cheesesteak hoagie, with its layers of lettuce and tomato, is like trying to hit a major league fastball.

Kerry asked the photographers to stop shooting pictures. Right. You see a train wreck coming, the last thing you do is put down your camera.

So the man who would be president of the people was photographed delicately gripping the sandwich with his fingertips like he’s some kind of Boston blue blood playing the piccolo. You half expected him to ask for a silk napkin, Jeeves.

If Kerry had any sense, he’d have gone to our Gov. Rendell for some culinary advice. Here’s a guy, the former chairman of the Democratic National Committee, who got himself elected mayor of Philadelphia a decade ago almost solely on his ability to stuff a cheesesteak down his trap without ruining a necktie. We in Philadelphia expect nothing less of our Commander in Chief.

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