Archive | March, 2012

My Memories of Cinderella

7 Mar

March 7, 2012

Written for Saarah.

Cinderella is the story of a young girl who was horribly treated by her ugly wicked step-sisters. Her evil step-mother made her cook and clean and do all the chores for the household while her other daughters became lazy and obnoxious. They treated Cinderella like a slave, rather than a member of the family. She scrubbed the floors. She mended the clothes. She chopped the wood. She milked the cows. She even built a new barn from scratch. And that was before breakfast. Don’t ask what she did after lunch. (Here’s a hint: it involves her step-mother’s toes.) What happened to her real mother? I don’t know. Where was her father? I can’t say, but with a crazy shrew of a wife and three disgusting daughters, how long would you stick around?

One day the King threw a fancy ball at the castle. (And seriously, isn’t every ball thrown at a castle fancy? Have you ever heard of a casual ball at a castle? I never have, but then again, what do I know?) Every young woman in the kingdom was invited because the King was that type of guy. Actually, every young woman minus one was invited. Would you be shocked to believe that it was Cinderella? Yeah, like you didn’t see that coming. Anyway, the step-mother was eager to send her three daughters to the ball because the Prince was young and handsome and single. And rich. Filthy stinking rich. Occupy Wall Street would have had a field day in this kingdom.

Anyway, in the days leading up to the ball Cinderella spent her time doing her sister’s nails and hair. She waited on them hand and foot because of course the Prince would never want a woman who ever washed a single dish in her lifetime. Cinderella did everything you could possibly imagine for them, and some things it is better off that you can’t imagine. Hey, there is a reason they were a wicked and evil family.

So party night came and the three step-sisters went to the castle and Cinderella, with a rare night off, went back to her miserable straw cot in the basement behind the compost heap below the leaky pipe next to the puddle of mud and the colony of rodents. Frankly, it was better than where she used to sleep- on a rock in the bottom of the well.

Cinderella was young and beautiful and frankly a little naïve. She desperately wanted to go the ball and wished that her fairy godmother would help her go the castle. Why she didn’t wish for a better life with a normal family and no more pig slop is beyond me. Anyway, I said she was naïve (and maybe a bit dumb) so she wished for her fairy godmother to send her to the ball and sure enough, her fairy godmother turned up.

Her rags turned into a beautiful gown. A pumpkin became a coach and some mice that lived in her bed became coachmen. Of course there was a catch; Cinderella had to be back by the stroke of midnight. What kind of fairy godmother is that? Sheesh, give the kid a break. (That may be just the Disney version of the story. In the real version I am sure there was a goat. Every fairy tale back then had a goat.)

Cinderella crashed the party and no one recognized her, not even her snooty step-sisters. You see, the step-sisters paid so little attention to Cinderella that they actually thought her name was Consuela and she came from Brazil. In true fairy tale fashion Cinderella was the belle of the ball. She stole the Prince’s heart but the Prince, who may not have been too smart himself, never got her name and before you could say “dues ex machina” it was midnight and Cinderella had to jet out of there. She broke out of his embrace, ran down the stairs, jumped into the coach, and got home just as the last chime of midnight struck.

Remember I said she wasn’t too bright? Why was she in a hurry to get home???? Seriously, the Prince fell in love with her, and this was the era of love at first sight and people got married to Princes after only knowing them for a couple of minutes all the time, so why did she leave?????? Stay with the Prince!

She went home (a stupid move, in my opinion) and as she lay in her bed of muddy mice-infested straw she had only her memories of a night at the castle to keep her warm because she didn’t have a blanket or a quilt.

On the other hand, the Prince asked everyone he knew (and the Prince was a popular guy so he knew a lot of people) but no one knew the name of the woman who ran off the night before. The Prince was intrigued. He had women throwing themselves at him all the time but being pure and virtuous he spurned them all. Never before had a woman spurned him. (Hey, this could only be a fairy tale. In real life if the Prince spurned that many women you know there’d be rumors about him.)

Luckily, the Prince had a clue: a single glass slipper. For some reason, the fairy godmother gave Cinderella a pair of glass slippers to wear. You just know they weren’t comfortable. I bet Cinderella had huge blisters on her feet the next day. Cinderella was in such a hurry to get home (again, why?????) that she ran right out of her shoe and the Prince, who had a foot fetish, picked it up and after spending a night with the shoe that I will not speculate about he went from house to house to find the woman whose foot fit it. Luckily Cinderella was a rare size and no one else in the kingdom wore a size six. (This is what you call suspension of disbelief.)

The Prince tried the shoe on every single girl he could find and even a pretty cow (he was desperate) but none fit the transparent footwear. Regardless, he had a great time. Foot fetish, remember?

The last house he tried, naturally, was Cinderella’s but she was in the field pulling a plow with her teeth so she never saw the Prince. He tried the shoe on the first step-sister but it was too hot. The second step-sister was too cold. I may be mixing this up with the Three Little Pigs. Sorry. Anyway, none of them fit the shoe even though one of them sliced off her big toe to make her left foot fit.

Finally, sad and unloved but with a really sexy shoe (foot fetish) the Prince decided to give up when, across the field, with the setting sun in his eye and a rainbow above, he saw the sight that would change his life forever. He saw a dead moose.

The moose had fallen across the road and blocked the way to the castle so the royal party had to take a detour and when he turned around he nearly knocked down Cinderella, who was trudging home with a load of chicken fat on her back.

I am sure you can guess what happened next, but if you can’t, here are the bullet points:

  • The slipper fit
  • The Prince loved her feet
  • They got married
  • Cinderella got her revenge on her wicked step-family with a complicated death trap just like the ones in the Saw movies.

I guess I should wrap up my memories of Cinderella with “and they lived happily ever after” but I won’t. If you ask me Cinderella was not worth it. I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger but she ain’t messin’ with no broke Prince.

If you would learn anything from the tale of Cinderella, please take my advice and read these parting words, from the Brothers Grimm translation: 

18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids got you for 18 years
I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids
His baby mamma’s car and crib is bigger than his
You will see him on TV any given Sunday
Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai
She was suppose to buy you shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
Should of got that insured got GEICO for your money
If you ant no punk holla we want prenup
WE WANT PRENUP! Yeah
It’s something that you need to have
‘Cause when she leave yo ass she gone leave with half
18 years, 18 years
And on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his

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American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior: Rick’s News

5 Mar

March 5, 2012

Last week Discovery had a little fun at your expense. They posted the episode title but not the description. They knew that people would jump to the conclusion that Rick was leaving OCC and moving to PJD. Not me, I don’t see that happening, and if somehow it did, the news would leak out long before the show aired. Anyway, here is the description of tonight’s show.

RICK’S NEWS March 5, 2012
Rick’s news? He’s ENGAGED! Meanwhile, Junior decides to revamp the Black Widow Bike he recently reclaimed from Senior, and OCC works on a two-bike build for John Christner Trucking.

The plot threads tonight: 1- Will Rick invite Paul Sr. and Paulie to his wedding?  2- Paulie takes the OCC logo off the Black Widow bike and puts on a PJD logo. 3- Mikey hires a personal trainer. (Not the first time, IIRC.)

I have not yet seen the show, we are only 3 minutes in. I understand him wanting to remove the OCC logo but I disagree. It was an OCC bike. Why deny history? It was NEVER a PJD build. OK, he doesn’t want to advertise OCC, but at the very least, leave it without a logo.

OCC is hired to build a pair of bikes for John Christner Trucking, one old-fashioned, one modern. PJD will be working on the Black Widow. They had a flashback to season one with Senior talking about the bike. Senior had a fatter face and darker hair. Time has worn on. Anyway, the bike needs an overhaul, the frame needs work, the paint needs to be redone, it just looks like a ten year-old bike.

Over at OCC, Rick is in charge of the old-school bike, and it appears he is even designing it. It goes without saying how smooth the build will go. Rick is building it like Paulie would, on the go, coming up with ideas as he goes along. As the episode goes along, Rick just shows more and more of the skill we’ve seen over the years. Sad that skill and talent are not rewarded at OCC as much as other things. Yes, Rick is paid well (I assume) and has a good job, but why doesn’t he have more say in the builds?

BTW- the bike Jason “drawed?” It had a design problem: unbuildable exhaust pipes.

Rick is getting married and yes, he is inviting everyone to the wedding, OCC, PJD, whoever. Will they fight? Will they get along? Will they all show up?

Mikey goes on the radio show that they always seem to be on, the big guy with the hoarse voice, to plug the weight loss challenge he entered last week. He is 350 pounds! He’s raising money for a leukemia charity and he is getting sponsored, so much per pound lost. If he shaves his beard and cuts his hair there goes 20 pounds, easy. So Mikey now has a personal trainer. He doesn’t seem to have his blind, Dungeons + Dragons-looking sidekick anymore.

His trainer is Carlos Kremer, a buff but not toned looking guy who seemed more interested in mentally motivating Mikey than training him. He claims to be a former marine, but for a tough military man he seemed more interested in asking about his relationship with his father than building Mikey up. At any rate, he gets Mikey lifting weights, so good for him.

“He seems a bit misdirected.” -Carlos on Mikey, and man, is that an understatement. He is a “master motivator and life coach.” Sounds like BS to me, but I am ready to be convinced. If there is one thing Mikey needs, it is a life coach. 

Nub got some screen time, talking about how bad he feels that he has to take off the OCC logo. He called up Shane from OCC, the original painter, to tell him the logo he painted is coming off. On the one hand, I commend Nub for having the loyalty to tell the guy. On the other hand, where is the loyalty to Paulie? If Shane said not to touch it, would Nub have not done the job? And who is Shane (and Nub for that matter) to make the call. Paulie is both the owner of the bike and the guy paying Nub. Do what he says. End of story.

After all the time that has passed, Rick and Vinnie meet up at a diner to catch up and talk about Rick’s upcoming wedding. Vinnie is going to the wedding regardless of who else is or is not. Vinnie again showed himself to be a class act talking about Senior and his mother, who passed away recently.

Paulie, his wife, and his mother sat down to talk about the Helen situation. Bottom line, he feels it should be handled in private. As he pointed out, he didn’t allow discovery to film his wedding and there were no cameras in the courtroom during all the legal drama with his father. He has a point, but does it take a family sit down to get him to tell his father how sorry he is?

I was prepared to write that the show spent more time on the builds, which it did, but I then realized that while they are showing more, nothing is being explained. There is very little on the technical side of things. This show is still not for people who are into the builds. (No news there, I know.)

BTW- remember Odie? The guy Paulie fired for being total turd and who was later hired by Senior because he badmouthed his son? Haven’t seen him in a long time, have we?

PJD unveiled the revamped Black Widow at the Javits Center in NYC and Vinnie pointed out that most of the people who built it ten years ago were standing on stage with one exception: Paul Senior.

Next Week:

THE CALL March 12, 2012
After weeks of silence, Junior calls Senior to give his condolences on Helen’s passing. Then PJD starts a charity build for the March of Dimes while OCC finishes a two-bike build for John Christner Trucking.

From the commercial: Paulie calls Senior.

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