Tag Archives: Cinderella

Fairy Tale Theater: The Boy Who Cried Wolf

15 Dec

December 15, 2013

fairy tale theater header

from March 21, 2012

The Boy Who Cried Wolf takes place back in the days when child labor laws were nonexistent and it was ok for kids to play with guns. In fact, any kid over the age of nine who hadn’t shot a charging bull at ten paces was considered a wuss. The fable was written by Aesop way back around 600 AD. Aesop was popularly known as the biggest bullshitter in all of Greece.

The boy, whom I will call Arnold for no particular reason, was a shepherd. His father was a shepherd and his father’s father was a shepherd. What were his mother and his mother’s mother? Sexually frustrated. And why not? Their husbands were all day long out in the fields with the sheep.

So Arthur was another in a long line of shepherds and by the time he was ten years old his father had enough of watching sheep- it was a dead-end job- and it was Arthur’s turn to watch the flock. So he watched the sheep. He watched the sheep graze. He watched the sheep sleep. He watched the sheep stand around and bleat. He watched the sheep watching him. It was boring. Eventually he started to hallucinate that the sheep spoke to him. “Arnold,” they said, “what are you doing with your life? Why don’t you go out and meet a nice Jewish girl?” For some reason he daydreamed that the sheep were Yiddish.

Soon, after an intolerable amount of time spent staring at the wooly beasts, very nearly 15 minutes, Arnold was bored. The Boy Who Cried Wolf is the first recorded case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. 

Arnold figured that if he cried out that a wolf was attacking the flock all the villagers would come running. Crying wolf was actually his second idea. He rejected the idea of crying duck.

Arnold looked around,  took a deep breath, and texted into his iPhone “OMG! EMFBI but HLAC a wolf is attacking the sheep! IDBI! WTF?” Typical kid. As you would imagine, no one came.

Arnold was still bored so next time he simply yelled out “Wolf! A wolf is attacking the sheep! Come quick! Bring me a soda!” This time all the villagers came running because the whole village depended on the sheep for their livelihood. Villages were very sheep intensive back then. In fact, there was an era in history when sheep were considered currency, just as good as gold coins. However, with a loaf of bread costing three sheep, it was a pretty unwieldy operation to go shopping and people soon went back to coins, which could be carried much more easily in a purse than a dozen sheep.

The villagers arrived and there was no wolf, which made them very relived. They looked around, counted the sheep (which put not a single one of them to sleep) and complimented Arnold that it must have been his yelling that scared off the wolf and saved the flock. The villagers soon left and went back to whatever the heck they were doing. No TV, no wifi, what were they doing anyway?

However, far from being happy with all the attention, Arnold was very upset. Not a single villager brought him the soda he had asked for. He decided he’d try it again.

“Wolf! A wolf is attacking the sheep! Come quick! And don’t forget my soda this time! I want a Mountain Dew! Seriously, I want a soda! And oh yeah, there’s a wolf attacking the sheep too!” See what makes this a fairy tale? Who would ever intentionally drink a Mountain Dew?

The villagers came rushing back, guns at the ready, pitchforks sharpened, and would you believe it? By the time they got to the field there was not a wolf in sight, only the sheep and Arnold, looking very smug and maybe just a bit thirsty.

“Arnold,” they asked, “are you sure you saw a wolf?”
“I cannot tell a lie. Sure I saw a wolf.”

Unfortunately, Arnold had a bit of a reputation around the village. People still remembered the time he claimed to have been abducted by a UFO to avoid his chores.

“Can you describe the wolf?” Seriously, this was the best the villagers could come up with.
“He had big teeth and furry ears.”
“Just like my grandmother!” exclaimed Little Red Riding Hood, and since everyone knew that she was still traumatized ever since the time a cross-dressing wolf ate her grandmother the villagers dropped the subject and went home. And of course, they once again failed to bring Arnold his soda.

Arnold waited an hour to give the village time to cool down and he even fell asleep for a few minutes (in which time a wolf really did devour three of the sheep) and when he woke up, he screamed at the top of his lungs “Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!”

The villagers didn’t come running quite so fast this time. In fact, many of them didn’t come at all. A few of them were at Arnold’s house giving his father an earful about what a miserable son he had, but still, some came running to the field and when they saw no wolf and Arnold rolling around on the ground laughing like a loon, it crossed the minds of more than one villager that they had found the new village idiot.

Silently, wordlessly, but with a great deal of glaring and evil looks, the villagers trudged back home.

It wasn’t long before Arnold got bored. Sure, it was fun for a while, but what did crying wolf get him? Nothing, not even a Mountain Dew. Being full of energy and ADHD, It wasn’t long before Arnold found new diversions, like throwing rocks at some frogs and pulling the wings off flies. It was while he was torturing a small snake that he looked up and saw- and this is going to be quite a shock so hold onto your hats- a wolf stalking the sheep.

“WOOOOLF! There’s a wolf after the sheep! For realz this time! And no, ‘realz’ is not a typo!”

Hearing yet another Arnold wolf alert, none of the villagers bothered to investigate, except for one kindly old man, the village elder, the wisest man in the area. He went to fields, saw the wolf, and raised his gun. With one sure pull of the trigger, he let his bullet fly and his aim was sure and true. It flew into the field, a full ten feet to the left of the wolf, and right into Arnold’s chest.

Satisfied, the wise old man returned to the village, secure in the knowledge that they might have lost a few sheep, but no one likes a smart ass.

The moral of the story? Undiagnosed ADHD can be dangerous for a young child. Have your child screened before being allowed to tend sheep.

Can you stand more?
Read My Memories of Cinderella here.

Read My Memories of Snow White here.

Fairy Tale Theater: Cinderella

13 Dec

December 13, 2013

It is the holiday season, so let’s look back on some of the classic fairy tales that have run on this blog.

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from March 7, 2012

Written for Saarah.

Cinderella is the story of a young girl who was horribly treated by her ugly wicked step-sisters. Her evil step-mother made her cook and clean and do all the chores for the household while her other daughters became lazy and obnoxious. They treated Cinderella like a slave, rather than a member of the family. She scrubbed the floors. She mended the clothes. She chopped the wood. She milked the cows. She even built a new barn from scratch. And that was before breakfast. Don’t ask what she did after lunch. (Here’s a hint: it involves her step-mother’s toes.) What happened to her real mother? I don’t know. Where was her father? I can’t say, but with a crazy shrew of a wife and three disgusting daughters, how long would you stick around?

One day the King threw a fancy ball at the castle. (And seriously, isn’t every ball thrown at a castle fancy? Have you ever heard of a casual ball at a castle? I never have, but then again, what do I know?) Every young woman in the kingdom was invited because the King was that type of guy. Actually, every young woman minus one was invited. Would you be shocked to believe that it was Cinderella? Yeah, like you didn’t see that coming. Anyway, the step-mother was eager to send her three daughters to the ball because the Prince was young and handsome and single. And rich. Filthy stinking rich. Occupy Wall Street would have had a field day in this kingdom.

Anyway, in the days leading up to the ball Cinderella spent her time doing her sister’s nails and hair. She waited on them hand and foot because of course the Prince would never want a woman who ever washed a single dish in her lifetime. Cinderella did everything you could possibly imagine for them, and some things it is better off that you can’t imagine. Hey, there is a reason they were a wicked and evil family.

So party night came and the three step-sisters went to the castle and Cinderella, with a rare night off, went back to her miserable straw cot in the basement behind the compost heap below the leaky pipe next to the puddle of mud and the colony of rodents. Frankly, it was better than where she used to sleep- on a rock in the bottom of the well.

Cinderella was young and beautiful and frankly a little naïve. She desperately wanted to go the ball and wished that her fairy godmother would help her go the castle. Why she didn’t wish for a better life with a normal family and no more pig slop is beyond me. Anyway, I said she was naïve (and maybe a bit dumb) so she wished for her fairy godmother to send her to the ball and sure enough, her fairy godmother turned up.

Her rags turned into a beautiful gown. A pumpkin became a coach and some mice that lived in her bed became coachmen. Of course there was a catch; Cinderella had to be back by the stroke of midnight. What kind of fairy godmother is that? Sheesh, give the kid a break. (That may be just the Disney version of the story. In the real version I am sure there was a goat. Every fairy tale back then had a goat.)

Cinderella crashed the party and no one recognized her, not even her snooty step-sisters. You see, the step-sisters paid so little attention to Cinderella that they actually thought her name was Consuela and she came from Brazil. In true fairy tale fashion Cinderella was the belle of the ball. She stole the Prince’s heart but the Prince, who may not have been too smart himself, never got her name and before you could say “dues ex machina” it was midnight and Cinderella had to jet out of there. She broke out of his embrace, ran down the stairs, jumped into the coach, and got home just as the last chime of midnight struck.

Remember I said she wasn’t too bright? Why was she in a hurry to get home???? Seriously, the Prince fell in love with her, and this was the era of love at first sight and people got married to Princes after only knowing them for a couple of minutes all the time, so why did she leave?????? Stay with the Prince!

She went home (a stupid move, in my opinion) and as she lay in her bed of muddy mice-infested straw she had only her memories of a night at the castle to keep her warm because she didn’t have a blanket or a quilt.

On the other hand, the Prince asked everyone he knew (and the Prince was a popular guy so he knew a lot of people) but no one knew the name of the woman who ran off the night before. The Prince was intrigued. He had women throwing themselves at him all the time but being pure and virtuous he spurned them all. Never before had a woman spurned him. (Hey, this could only be a fairy tale. In real life if the Prince spurned that many women you know there’d be rumors about him.)

Luckily, the Prince had a clue: a single glass slipper. For some reason, the fairy godmother gave Cinderella a pair of glass slippers to wear. You just know they weren’t comfortable. I bet Cinderella had huge blisters on her feet the next day. Cinderella was in such a hurry to get home (again, why?????) that she ran right out of her shoe and the Prince, who had a foot fetish, picked it up and after spending a night with the shoe that I will not speculate about he went from house to house to find the woman whose foot fit it. Luckily Cinderella was a rare size and no one else in the kingdom wore a size six. (This is what you call suspension of disbelief.)

The Prince tried the shoe on every single girl he could find and even a pretty cow (he was desperate) but none fit the transparent footwear. Regardless, he had a great time. Foot fetish, remember?

The last house he tried, naturally, was Cinderella’s but she was in the field pulling a plow with her teeth so she never saw the Prince. He tried the shoe on the first step-sister but it was too hot. The second step-sister was too cold. I may be mixing this up with the Three Little Pigs. Sorry. Anyway, none of them fit the shoe even though one of them sliced off her big toe to make her left foot fit.

Finally, sad and unloved but with a really sexy shoe (foot fetish) the Prince decided to give up when, across the field, with the setting sun in his eye and a rainbow above, he saw the sight that would change his life forever. He saw a dead moose.

The moose had fallen across the road and blocked the way to the castle so the royal party had to take a detour and when he turned around he nearly knocked down Cinderella, who was trudging home with a load of chicken fat on her back.

I am sure you can guess what happened next, but if you can’t, here are the bullet points:

  • The slipper fit
  • The Prince loved her feet
  • They got married
  • Cinderella got her revenge on her wicked step-family with a complicated death trap just like the ones in the Saw movies.

I guess I should wrap up my memories of Cinderella with “and they lived happily ever after” but I won’t. If you ask me Cinderella was not worth it. I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger but she ain’t messin’ with no broke Prince.

If you would learn anything from the tale of Cinderella, please take my advice and read these parting words, from the Brothers Grimm translation: 

18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids got you for 18 years
I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids
His baby mamma’s car and crib is bigger than his
You will see him on TV any given Sunday
Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai
She was suppose to buy you shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
Should of got that insured got GEICO for your money
If you ant no punk holla we want prenup
It’s something that you need to have
‘Cause when she leave yo ass she gone leave with half
18 years, 18 years
And on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his

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