Tag Archives: parenting

I Take It Back: A Note To My Younger Self.

9 Aug

August 9, 2016

A few days ago I came across a post I wrote back in 2011. It is really short, please read it before I go on.

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April 20, 2011

Dr. Zaius’ Parenting Tips

Let me say upfront that I am not a parent so feel free to disregard my advice.

I saw this product in a catalogue today.

OK, I get that kids need to be kept safe from danger, like the calm shallow water in the first pic and the short shrubs in the second, but when you keep your kids in a cage like the one Taylor was kept in I can only say this:

 

Back to 2016. And I have to ask, what the hell was I thinking????

About a year ago, my brother, Allan Keyes, fathered two of the most adorable kids ever to grace the Earth. I know what you are thinking. Allan Keyes? A father? I wasn’t sure he had enough human DNA to procreate with a human being. Well he does and he did, and against all odds his kids are the most cute and intelligent children you could ever dream of. And they better be because when they grow up they’ll have Uncle Mr. Blog to support.

Seeing them grow and get old enough to toddle around and get into everything and everywhere, I can not only appreciate and support those gates, I will personally endorse them. Keyes has ones just like them and they are invaluable. Yes, I still think kids should be able to roam around and explore (under supervision!) but my adorable little munchkins? Damn straight I am keeping them away from those “short shrubs and shallow water.” These kids aren’t getting within 100 feet of a pointy leaf until they are 21 if I have anything to do about it. I panic when I see a scratch on one of their fingers, and little kids get scratches and boo boos all the time. And they are going to wander near a lake? I say not only put them in that cage, raise the gates another ten feet, they’re too short. If I, as an uncle, panic, I can only imagine how their parents must feel.

Plus those things make great octagons for Kiddie Fight Club (as Keyes himself pointed out.)

Anyway, I’m not too big to admit I was wrong. But don’t go too far. Not everything you see in Planet of The Apes can be adapted for parenting. 

pota diaper

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The Treasure Chest of Terrible Toys: iPotty

9 Feb

February 9, 2013

ipotty

Great Shades of Satan! (Ah ha!) This falls under the category of educational toys. At least I think it does. This is for either potty training or training to waste time on the potty. Maybe both. Remember yesterday’s imponderable about the guy who broke into a home and twice defecated on the floor? I wonder if he used this.

ip1

I have to admit that when I first saw this, I misread the author’s name as “Simon Crap.” It is an easy mistake to make.

Before you ask (not that I can hear you), the iPad is not included and no, there are no apps to help the kid learn to use the potty. I guess the secret is that the kid will sit there and forget his anxiety about popping by playing Angry Birds or watching funny kitten videos on YouTube. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if the kids surfed over to Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride. Sure, it would be a different demographic but I could really use the clicks. If it took off, I could totally see myself pandering to the pre-K group- lots of articles about Nick Toons, even more poopy jokes, etc.

As far as I can see, all do is A-teach kids to spend more time on the toilet and B- create an iPad that I would not touch without rubber gloves and disinfectant. Little kids are not exactly neat and do not wash their hands. Plus they play with the most disgusting things.

Truth to tell, this isn’t any different than putting the kid on the throne and giving him a book or a magazine to pass the time. That always works for me.

Want more parenting advice? Check out this important warning.

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