Tag Archives: John Newly

Lying Awake With John Newly: Cavemen and Coffee

5 Jan

January 5, 2014

Announcer: And we’re back with more Lying Awake with John Newly!

That’s right, we’re back, and I urge all of my faithful listeners to call 1-888-555-FILK. If you want to project your astral self across the internet, they’ll teach you how to do it for only $49.99. I know a lot of the members of the Night Hoots forum have already done so; those are some fiercely loyal listeners.

Let’s get back to our discussion. We’re talking Sasquatch with Doctor Hiram Mears. Doctor, before the break, you were about to tell us what you learned on your recent trip to Seattle Washington. Did you drink a lot of coffee in Seattle?

-Well, no, not really. I was out in the woods and we didn’t want any unfamiliar scents to scare the Sasquatch.

You didn’t want to tip them off you were there?

-No, no. We wanted to see them in their natural environment.

I bet those creatures don’t drink much coffee!

-Umm, I’d suspect not.

Cryptozoology in action!

Cryptozoology in action!

So tell me, how do the Sasquatch live in the wild?

– The popular misconception about these creatures is that they live in caves when really there aren’t even any caves in the area I observed them in.

Wow, no caves. So they aren’t some species of prehistoric cavemen that somehow lived into the modern age?

-Oh no, no, in fact-

So no big wooden clubs for them, knocking each other over the head?

-Um, well, if you’re taking about tool use, then I’ve discovered evidence that Sasquatch is a rather advanced tool user.

We’re talking with Doctor Hiram Mears and Doctor, I’ve got this image in my head of a hairy Fred Flintstone. Is that accurate? But Fred was kind of short, wasn’t he? And Sasquatch is tall. Or is that Barney Rubble I’m thinking of?

-I can’t really say, I’m not big on cartoons.

Captain Caveman, that was another one. Do you think Captain Caveman was based on Sasquatch?

-Uh…

He had a club too as I recall. And he could fly. If Sasquatch can fly, that would clear up a lot of the mystery around him.

-Well… I guess, but he probably can’t. There’s no evidence that–

Wow, that’s fascinating. We’ll be back, right after these words.

 

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Lying Awake With John Newly: The 4th Hour

22 Nov

November 22, 2014

And that’s the news at 3:05 am. Stay tuned for the fourth hour of Lying Awake with John Newly.

Promo for the WKAT listener sweepstakes- “if we pick your cat’s name from our giant listener litter box, you’ll win a KAT Cat Hat! Offer void in the continental United States.”

Strange sci-fi Theremin music swells, announcer with unusually deep voice and a slight lisp speaks.

Lying Awake with John Newly airs six nights a week from midnight to six am. Callers are welcome on the studio line, 1-800-463-WKAT, the international line by calling overseas operator 27, or tonight’s “That Chupacabra ate my pants!” hotline, 1-800-NoMoPants. And now, here’s John Newly.

Music fades out, show begins.

Ghosts, witches, and bagels, we’ve covered it all here tonight. Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. That’s me by the way, John Newly, and if you’ve ever wanted to meet me in person, you can see my tour schedule on the Lying Awake website. My producer Fast Eddie makes sure to keep that up to date. Next week, I’ll be in the Main Street Reading Room in Tombstone Arizona reading an excerpt of my new book, The Devil’s Hidden Chakra. Tombstone Arizona, is that right, Fast Eddie? Tombstone? (Inaudible off mic.) I hope there are still people living there! I’d hate to be all alone in a ghost town! Meanwhile, we’ve been speaking with Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone on all kinds of topics, he’s a self-proclaimed “Mr. Know-It-All Who Knows It All.” We’ll continue our discussion next.

Commercial for DVD- Where Will You Be When The Moon Explodes? How to protect your financial assets from the coming lunar apocalypse.

Commercial for local politician Brad Fergus, advocating higher taxes on everything.

We’re back and before the break, I was asking Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone what he knows about UFO’s. Doctor?

– I know a lot, actually.

What can you tell us?

-What would you like to know? (Laughs.)

Are UFO’s real?

Plan9_3

-Yes.

Yes? They do exist? Flying saucers, aliens, the whole thing?

-Yes, the whole thing and even more!

Simply fascinating. Amazing! Have you seen a UFO?

-Of course! I’ve ridden in them too!

That’s been a dream of mine, and probably of all my listeners out there. I’ve always dreamed about riding in a UFO, but I don’t want to get probed! Do they really do that?

-Yes, but it isn’t really what people think it is.

(Laughing) So it’s not an anal probe, that’s a relief.

-No, no, it is an anal probe.

Hmmm, maybe I’ll rethink that trip! (Laughter.)

-If the aliens want to anal probe you, they’ll anal probe you if you’re on the UFO or not.

Wow, that’s something to think about, isn’t it? We’ll be right back.

 

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