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Lying Awake With John Newly: Cavemen and Coffee

5 Jan

January 5, 2014

Announcer: And we’re back with more Lying Awake with John Newly!

That’s right, we’re back, and I urge all of my faithful listeners to call 1-888-555-FILK. If you want to project your astral self across the internet, they’ll teach you how to do it for only $49.99. I know a lot of the members of the Night Hoots forum have already done so; those are some fiercely loyal listeners.

Let’s get back to our discussion. We’re talking Sasquatch with Doctor Hiram Mears. Doctor, before the break, you were about to tell us what you learned on your recent trip to Seattle Washington. Did you drink a lot of coffee in Seattle?

-Well, no, not really. I was out in the woods and we didn’t want any unfamiliar scents to scare the Sasquatch.

You didn’t want to tip them off you were there?

-No, no. We wanted to see them in their natural environment.

I bet those creatures don’t drink much coffee!

-Umm, I’d suspect not.

Cryptozoology in action!

Cryptozoology in action!

So tell me, how do the Sasquatch live in the wild?

– The popular misconception about these creatures is that they live in caves when really there aren’t even any caves in the area I observed them in.

Wow, no caves. So they aren’t some species of prehistoric cavemen that somehow lived into the modern age?

-Oh no, no, in fact-

So no big wooden clubs for them, knocking each other over the head?

-Um, well, if you’re taking about tool use, then I’ve discovered evidence that Sasquatch is a rather advanced tool user.

We’re talking with Doctor Hiram Mears and Doctor, I’ve got this image in my head of a hairy Fred Flintstone. Is that accurate? But Fred was kind of short, wasn’t he? And Sasquatch is tall. Or is that Barney Rubble I’m thinking of?

-I can’t really say, I’m not big on cartoons.

Captain Caveman, that was another one. Do you think Captain Caveman was based on Sasquatch?

-Uh…

He had a club too as I recall. And he could fly. If Sasquatch can fly, that would clear up a lot of the mystery around him.

-Well… I guess, but he probably can’t. There’s no evidence that–

Wow, that’s fascinating. We’ll be back, right after these words.

 

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