Tag Archives: crystals

John Newly Is Slightly Confused (Lying Awake With John Newly 6)

5 Mar

March 5, 20115

Lying Awake With John Newly theme song, Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior, ends.

John Newly: Who are you going to call? Why you’re going to call me! Hi, I’m John Newly, your overnight airwaves-buster, and this is Lying Awake with John Newly. Later tonight we’ll be talking with Peter von Strauss about his new book, called President Obama is Just What You Think. I’ve read some of part of one of the chapters of that book and let me tell you, it gave me something to think about. Also tonight we’ll have our regular Wednesday guest, Laura Millings, and she’ll share her investigation into the strange odor reported coming from a pants factory in Detroit. We’re going to start off with some phone calls after these words from our sponsors.

Commercial for WKAT’s Lawrence Welk tribute gala and charity hat-doff.

Commercial for John Newly’s new DVD, Worker in the Blight: How I Caught a Spiritual Flu.

We’re back and tonight I’ve opened up a special “unhealthy dog” phone line. Call in to talk about your unhealthy dog.  Just remember, I’m not a veterinarian, so if I try to prescribe your dog some medicine, you should probably not listen to me. First caller, Ellen from Billings Montana, you’re on the air.

388259-tinfoil-top

Caller: Hi John I heard your-

– Billings Montana. Is it cold there?

– show last night. Well, it snowed last night, so yeah, I’d say it’s cold. (Laughs). The reason I’m-

– I bet you get snow all the time in Montana! You should be used to it by now!

– Right, well, I just moved here. Anyway, on your show last-

– I move around a lot too. I used to be in the military. Are you in the military?

– No, I, no…

– Well thanks for the call. Wow, more snow. I think we’ve all had enough of that. Maybe it’s time to do another of our positive thought experiments. OK, everyone concentrate on no more snow. If it is snowing where you are you really have to concentrate hard. No snow. No snow. I’m looking out my studio window and right now it isn’t snowing. (Inaudible, off mic) My producer Fast Eddie just pointed out that it hasn’t snowed here in days. Well, maybe that’s because of my positive thoughts! (Laughs), there’s always a skeptic in every bunch.

We’ll take some more phone calls in just a minute, but first, ask yourself, do you run out of energy when you’re in the middle of a psychic reading? Do your crystals seem to be cloudier than they used to be? Friends, I’ve got just the solution. Call 1-800-555-WUZZIT for a guaranteed psychic solution. Now I can’t legally tell you what it is over the air, but if you go their website, wuzzitnotascam.com, you’ll see everything you can get for only $29.99. I sent them my money and I still haven’t gotten my box, but I was so amazed that I ordered two more anyway. Call now!

 

.

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Lying Awake With John Newly: The 4th Hour

22 Nov

November 22, 2014

And that’s the news at 3:05 am. Stay tuned for the fourth hour of Lying Awake with John Newly.

Promo for the WKAT listener sweepstakes- “if we pick your cat’s name from our giant listener litter box, you’ll win a KAT Cat Hat! Offer void in the continental United States.”

Strange sci-fi Theremin music swells, announcer with unusually deep voice and a slight lisp speaks.

Lying Awake with John Newly airs six nights a week from midnight to six am. Callers are welcome on the studio line, 1-800-463-WKAT, the international line by calling overseas operator 27, or tonight’s “That Chupacabra ate my pants!” hotline, 1-800-NoMoPants. And now, here’s John Newly.

Music fades out, show begins.

Ghosts, witches, and bagels, we’ve covered it all here tonight. Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. That’s me by the way, John Newly, and if you’ve ever wanted to meet me in person, you can see my tour schedule on the Lying Awake website. My producer Fast Eddie makes sure to keep that up to date. Next week, I’ll be in the Main Street Reading Room in Tombstone Arizona reading an excerpt of my new book, The Devil’s Hidden Chakra. Tombstone Arizona, is that right, Fast Eddie? Tombstone? (Inaudible off mic.) I hope there are still people living there! I’d hate to be all alone in a ghost town! Meanwhile, we’ve been speaking with Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone on all kinds of topics, he’s a self-proclaimed “Mr. Know-It-All Who Knows It All.” We’ll continue our discussion next.

Commercial for DVD- Where Will You Be When The Moon Explodes? How to protect your financial assets from the coming lunar apocalypse.

Commercial for local politician Brad Fergus, advocating higher taxes on everything.

We’re back and before the break, I was asking Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone what he knows about UFO’s. Doctor?

– I know a lot, actually.

What can you tell us?

-What would you like to know? (Laughs.)

Are UFO’s real?

Plan9_3

-Yes.

Yes? They do exist? Flying saucers, aliens, the whole thing?

-Yes, the whole thing and even more!

Simply fascinating. Amazing! Have you seen a UFO?

-Of course! I’ve ridden in them too!

That’s been a dream of mine, and probably of all my listeners out there. I’ve always dreamed about riding in a UFO, but I don’t want to get probed! Do they really do that?

-Yes, but it isn’t really what people think it is.

(Laughing) So it’s not an anal probe, that’s a relief.

-No, no, it is an anal probe.

Hmmm, maybe I’ll rethink that trip! (Laughter.)

-If the aliens want to anal probe you, they’ll anal probe you if you’re on the UFO or not.

Wow, that’s something to think about, isn’t it? We’ll be right back.

 

.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries

%d bloggers like this: