Tag Archives: cool

If I Won The Lottery

31 Jan

January 30, 2014

If I won the lottery, for millions of dollars, maybe 500 million of them then I’d buy a house, buy my mom a house, quit my job, buy a solid gold toilet, yada yada yada, all the usual stuff people say they’d do. Sure, I’d pay off my credit cards, invest in the stock market, ride a hippo in the Kentucky Derby, all the usual things people do when they become filthy stinking rich.

But that’s not my dream.

I’d speed down the highway. wind whipping my hair, enjoying the envious stares of the other drivers, as I zoom past them in the coolest car in the world.

The Batmobile.



Sure, I considered other cars.

  • The A-Team van? Too enclosed. No one would see whooping and hollering.
  • Magnum’s Ferrari? (OK, Robin Masters’ Ferrari.) Very cool, but still just a Ferrari.
  • KITT? Only if I could use the turbo boost to jump over traffic.
  • The General Lee? Not without shooting dynamite arrows out the window, and that might get me into too much trouble.
  • And The Millennium Falcon? Not technically a car.

And if I were driving the Batmobile, I would finally have a legitimate reason to wear a cape.


I’d drive the Batmobile down the highway just to see the look of envy on every other driver’s face. All those mooks in their Hyundai’s and Ford Fairlanes, drooling over the Batmobile, wishing they were me, wearing my cape, zooming down the highway, with somebody dressed as Robin in the front seat, or maybe just a classy escort I rented for the day (hey, I’m rich!) I’d get the whole thing on YouTube, it would go viral, and I’d do it again the next day. Unless it was raining. There’s no top on the Batmobile. That’s why Batman never fought crime in bad weather, and you just know that if it rained and he opened up an umbrella, it would be one the Penguin’s rigged explosive umbrellas. 

Oh yes, to be rich. I can just picture it now.




That could be me! What a great Batman I’d make. OK, I’d probably break a lot of traffic laws and definitely wouldn’t stop any crimes, but my dream isn’t to tangle with the Riddler, it’s to zoom down the highway in the Batmobile. So you can take you other lottery dreams (flying to the moon, buying an island in the Pacific) and forget it. I’ve got you beat.


bmj2k batman







OFFICIAL: Ed Hardy Wear No Longer Cool

22 Mar

March 22, 2010

The once-cool Ed Hardy line of t-shirts and other clothes has officially come to an uncool ending.

Once personally-made and a status symbol, the mass-produced shirts, pants, and sweats, featuring designs with skulls, flowers, and sequins, survived being worn by hipsters, wannabees, poseurs, fat chicks, and middle-aged guys living in their parent’s basements.

Today, however, it came to an end.

I was in line at the bank today and ahead of me was a short man, about 65 years old. He was bald but with sideburns that have not been trimmed since the Eisenhower era. His wild eyebrows seemed to come together over his eyes and simultaneously run off his head. And as for the rest of his inappropriate hair, the less said about his ears and nose the better.

He had the stub of a cigar in his mouth, wore slacks so old they were patched in the seat, and he smelled of some sort of mustiness, like he had been sitting in a closet for a few months.

When he got to the counter, he picked through and handled every single one of the free lollipops and choose seven of them, which he stuck in his back pocket.

He was wearing an Ed Hardy sweatshirt, brown, with sequined roses and skulls.

Today, Ed Hardy is officially not cool anymore.

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