Dancing With The Stars September 2011. Just When You Thought It Couldn’t Get Any Worse

7 Sep

September 7, 2011

Dancing with the Stars is the most misnamed show in America. Has there ever been a real star on there? OK, so maybe Celebrity Apprentice is just as bad, but at least there is one real star on that show- Donald Trump. This show has Tom Bergeron. He’s likeable enough, and funny, but hardly a marquee draw.

 This time around Dancing with the Stars has me wondering what it takes to be a star. Case in point:

Chaz Bono

The former Chastity Bono, he (which is how she wants to be known) is a star for two reasons. Famous parents and a sex change operation. That’s it. I have nothing against Chaz, nor do I have anything against a transgender competitor. But what has Chaz done on his own to make him a star? Nothing that I can tell. But I do think Chaz is more of a “star” than the next dancer.

Rob Kardashian

Who? Who? Who? Does anyone have any idea who this guy is? We know the Kardashian sisters. There’s Kim, the sexy one, there’s Kourtney, the cute one, and then there’s Khloe, who for some reason no one wants to admit is big and thick. (Not that is necessarily bad, look at Jordin Sparks, very attractive.) Khloe is easily the least attractive sister. And I’ll go there- in some pictures she is just ugly. And now there is this Rob guy, who is supposed to be their brother. Who cares? His parents didn’t even care enough to give a name that starts with a “K.” Either that or they were too stupid to think of Kevin, and if you’ve seen their show that may be true.

See?

Hope Solo

She is a major athlete. Seriously, she is! Oh, I see the problem, she is on the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. That’s why you don’t know her. No offense, but the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team is lower profile than the WNBA, and I am not even sure that still exists.

Popular Solos

Elisabetta Canalis

I’ll let the internet handle this:

She may be tabloid fodder for being George Clooney’s ex, but the gorgeous model-actress is a famous TV and film personality in her native Italy.

Wait a minute, is this the Italian version of Dancing with the Stars? Nope. So I guess she is here because of this:

And now take a good look at this.

J.R. Martinez

This is the man I am rooting for.

He didn’t always look this way.

From wiki: Jose Rene Martinez (born June 14, 1983) is an American actor, motivational speaker and retired U.S. Army. In 2003, J.R. experienced severe burns to over 40 percent of his body while serving as a United States Army infantryman in Iraq. After a long and difficult recovery, J.R. spends his time traveling the country extensively in his role as a spokesman and motivational speaker. J.R. has played the role of Brot Monroe in ABC’s daytime drama All My Children since November 7, 2008.

Think about it. After all he went through he went into acting. Acting. The Most Superficial, Appearance Driven, Only Based On Looks Career There Is. THAT takes courage.

And they had the nerve to put George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend on the same show and call them both “Stars.” Screw them.

Carson Kressley

Probably the first person on this list who can lay legitimate claim to being a star, albeit a totally annoying one. He was the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy guy that nobody liked regardless of sexuality. So I guess we owe him a debt of thanks. He showed the world that it is OK to hate a gay man as long as you hate him for his jerkiness and not his homosexuality.

Kristin Cavallari

Another one I had to look up. Here is all you need to know.

Chynna Phillips

Sort of the anti-Chaz Bono, Chynna has a famous pedigree but made a name for herself with the group Wilson Phillips and some acting.

This is how we remember her. Keep this image in mind when you see her on TV now.

Nancy Grace

Because nothing screams poise and elegance like Nancy Grace.

 

Ricki Lake

I really want to say something bad about her but I can’t. The worst I can say is that is that she embodies the old saying “jack of all trades, master of none.” She does some acting but isn’t that great an actress, she had a long running talk show but it wasn’t a tough job, it was closer to Jerry Springer than Oprah, and she has done a little game show hosting and producing. I know I said I couldn’t say anything bad about her but I guess I could say mediocre things. But at any rate, I like her. I’m just not sure why.

David Arquette

Arguably the biggest name here, and winning that argument is no big accomplishment, he is best known for being dumped by Courtney Cox, but to some of us, he is best known as THE WORST WCW CHAMPION EVER.

Yes, this is real. He was a WCW Wrestler.

Ron Artest

He’s a basketball player and I am not a basketball fan. However, I do know that he is changing his name to Metta World Peace, an odd choice considering that he was a major player in the The Malice at the Palace brawl, an altercation between the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers on November 19, 2004. It resulted in nine players being suspended without pay for a total of 146 games, which led to $10 million in salary being lost by the players. Five players were also charged with assault, and all five of them were eventually sentenced to a year on probation and community service. Five fans also faced criminal charges and were banned from attending Pistons home games for life. Artest was the most heavily fined player. He ran into the stands and attacked an innocent fan.

And there you have it. Next season, expect more stars like Mugsy Bowes, the guy who clogged the toilet at the gas station, and a random name from the Indiana phone book.

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American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior: Return of the Black Widow

5 Sep

September 5, 2011

Last week, in the most anti-climactic episode ever, the Teutuls signed a settlement finally giving Senior the shares of OCC that he wanted. Paulie added the condition that he gets the Black Widow bike and after only a few minutes thought Senior agreed. The tease for this week’s show seems to be some kind of battle over the bike. We’ll see.

The show began with Senior being informed by his lawyer that Paulie was going to pick up the bike and expected it to be running. It has just been sitting around and needed maintenance. Senior got pissed that he found that out at the last-minute. “Typical Paulie last-minute,” he growled. He thought the bike would be turned over as-is and blamed Paulie for changing the rules. The person he should be mad at is the lawyers. That should have been hammered out already.

This week PJD finished the Fist bike while OCC started a Power Probe bike. Power Probe makes electrical testing equipment and presented Senior with a customized tool, which he will never use since he barely does any work on the bikes anymore.

Six minutes in, like last week, Jason Pohl appeared on-screen to act like somebody. He called the Power Probe tool “a product we use everyday.” Really? “I have a lot of people here who use it.” He has a lot of people there who use it? He does? He gets worse every week. And remember the problem with the lousy handlebars he designed last week? He blamed the mechanics for the “confusion” over the handlebars. Let’s be clear, and this came straight from Rick, there was no “confusion,” Jason’s design was impractical.

Paulie and Vinnie went to OCC to get the bike. They asked Mikey but he decided not to go. However, he did bring Paulie a black widow cake to celebrate. The bike was in the showroom and so were a dozen or so gawkers taking pictures of them. Senior sent outa kid to tell them that they had to go through the whole shop to take it out. Why? Just to stick it to them.

Senior paid his son a backhand compliment. Going to OCC himself was “a sign of humbleness.”

He also said that Vinnie was in a hurry to get out “like he had cheeseburgers waiting outside.” Why should Vinnie want to stick around? To see him? After the way Senior treated him like shit? Vinnie did all the work and got all the crap. I wouldn’t want to see Senior either. And Senior taking a shot at someone’s weight? Sorry, not everyone has suspiciously inflated muscles like he did.

Eventually Senior stopped watching them on camera and came out and shook their hands. They exchanged some small talk and Paulie and Vinnie left with the bike. No fireworks, no excitement, no big deal.

Of course Senior said that “Paulie didn’t look me in the eye,” and it was “a sign of feeling guilty.” This guy can’t leave well enough alone. Every lawsuit has been settled, the bike was exchanged, and he can’t let it die. A couple of days later Senior was still grumbling and said the he didn’t like Vinnie and acted like he was Gandhi for shaking Vinnie’s hand. Then for no reason he said that he “gave him everything he asked for and he still isn’t interested in being a family again.” I’m not sure if he meant Mikey or Paulie but it doesn’t matter.  Can you blame either one?

And Mikey still has no intention of seeing his father, and after this episode, never mind all the others, I don’t blame him.

The last third of the show was about the bike build, and Power Pro really got their money’s worth the way Mike Ammirati slobbered over their tools.

There was a little more talk about OCC having to move and Rick said they should just go back to the old shop since Senior put a new roof on it. Senior told him since it was next door to PJD Rick could go over there and build bikes on his lunch break “since nobody there can.” I guess he forgot how he got smoked in the Cadillac Build Off.

The Fist bike with its biometric starter came out great, but the Power Probe bike was gaudier than usual. It was red and yellow with lightning bolts and a lot of extra accent lights and almost looked like a Hulkamania bike,  but I have to admit they nailed the theme. And (coincidentally? I think not) it had an unusual push button starter.

At the OCC unveil, Senior couldn’t make it so who was the first one introduced? Jason. He did all the talking and though he gave credit to everyone, he talked like he was in charge. And who can blame him the way Senior treats him?

Paulie worked, almost literally, to the last minute before the unveil, and Paulie gave Vinnie the honor of riding the bike on stage. Part of this episode was about the history between them. They showed some clips from the very first episode where they worked on the Black Widow bike, the first build they did together, and you can see how they developed a friendship. Compare that to Senior who over the years has lost everyone close to him.

NEXT WEEK: Paulie designs a Gears of War 3 bike.

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