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One Day in Metropolis

15 Aug

August 15, 2014

Tourist: Look!

Man: Wha?

Tourist: Look! Up in the sky!

Man: Get outta my way, I’m walkin’ here.

Tourist: Seriously, look in the sky!

Woman: I think it’s a bird or something, I dunno, like an owl.

Man: That guy’s nuts.

Tourist: Look! In the sky!

Woman: Now it kinda looks like a plane. It’s just a plane.

Man: Jeez, I’m supposed to get all excited over a bird? This is Metropolis, try to not see a bird or a plane.

Tourist: It’s Superman!

Woman: That’s all? I’m late for my appointment.

Tourist: But it’s Superman!

Man: Let me tell you something about this Superman, pal. Maybe you wazzn’t here back then, but when Brainiac got a mad on and wanted to kill Supes he didn’t go to no Pittsburgh. He showed up right here and stood right in Shuster Square, daring Supes to hit him right in the kisser. Traffic was tied up for miles. Think I got to work that day? No I did not. Lost my job over that. And unemployment don’t take “lost my job cuz of Brainiac” and pay off a jackpot.

Tourist: But what about Lex Luthor, huh? Superman kept him from destroying the Boring Building.

Man: Yeah, but not before Luthor ripped up half the block. Yeah, Superman saved the Boring Building, but what about the Good Chops Diner down the block? They’ve been closed for three weeks tryin’ ta fix it up. My wife used to work there. Let me tell you, there ain’t no work there now.

Tourist: Well, ok, I’m sorry, but wow, look at him. Don’t you wish you could fly like him?

Man: Yeah, I’d fly away to a place where I ain’t got no bills. MetroBank don’t let you pay off your credit cards with Daily Planet coupons.

Tourist: Oh, yeah, I see…

Man: Yeah, great, now you see. You think about that while I’m on line for food stamps. See ya around, I’m late already.

 

metropolis-in-ruins-man-of-steel-2-banner

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More Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines

11 Aug

August 11, 2014

Hello again Devoted Readers. Last time I did a Snappy Answers column, I mentioned that I get complaints comments from my great aunt and her sewing circle, The Newkirk Needles. They can really be a feisty group of octogenarians. For example, this week they did a sew-in at their local Starbucks to protest the senior discount dropping from 20 to 15%. I now have a wonderful set of doilies with “Up with Starbucks” embroidery.

Anyway, they really got a chuckle out of the last witty retorts (as they put it) I made to the headlines from Newser.com. That site is quickly becoming my go-to source of bad journalism, quickly eclipsing The New York Post (their motto: Huh? We’re still around?).  Let’s go to round two.  I hope the sparky seamstresses enjoy this one as well.

newserfold

“Slink off?” Like in shame? What does this robot have to be ashamed of? Maybe someone walked into its bedroom while it was busy “folding itself” under the covers?

You can find a video of this right here. The robot’s walk can be described as “shuffling,” “scuttling,” or even a good old-fashioned, simple “walk.” It is not a slink. Someone at Newser (I’m looking at you, Jenn Gidman) should have her thesaurus pried out of her hands.

 

newserhipster

Ugh. You just know this guy is moving to Brooklyn. He’ll be sitting in Starbucks all day, using their free Wi-Fi to post his weird ISIS poetry, swinging his sword in a totally non-ironic way. I bet he has an overly-groomed beard and a monocle too.

 

newserweed
I’d rather have the weeds than the hipsters, that’s what I say. Unless “phragmites” is some new slang for hipster. I’m not sure I agree with chopping hipsters away, but I’ll volunteer to do something to get rid of them. I say we start with banning skinny jeans and plaid shirts.

 

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