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Amos Has Retired

16 Aug

August 16, 2022

Yes, it is true. Top Investigator Amos has retired. As he put it, “I think maybe I can put away my rolodex.”

Amos does not take bad news well. He takes everything personally. We have been telling him for months that we had no work to give him, and he only had a few old cases he was still working on. The truth is, we had no work that we were able to give him. We were asked by most clients not to use him on their cases.

“A Crackerjack like me should be in demand.”

He tended to yell at and berate the people he was supposed to be helping. This is the text of an actual letter (not an email or text, a letter) that he sent to someone whose cooperation he needed sometime last year.

Dear (name redacted) !

I have called you twice and you have not given me the simple courtesy of a reply! I will travel to your house on Wednesday to one more time meet you so you can sign your affidavit. Please do research and go on The Google first to see where a notary is so we don’t waste any more time!

Amos was in the office about a month ago. He comes in once a week without fail to “report.” This is not a job requirement. No one else does that. His reports usually start with a recap of whatever movie he saw over the weekend and news of his “ladyfriend,” and the less said about that the better.

On this particular day he had arrived early and decided to sit in my office and wait for me there, as opposed to the absolutely anywhere else that would have been more appropriate. Being a “Top Investigator” and a “Crackerjack” apparently means that closed doors do not apply to him. On my desk was a list I keep of all my investigators and their assignments. While everyone else had from 6 to 8 assignments, Amos had only 1. Amos had rested a brochure for herbal supplements on it.

Amos told me that he was leaving us due to lack of work, lamented that someone with his skills wasn’t better utilized, and then, went to speak with the owner of the company, who has known Amos for at least 25 years.

Their goodbye lasted a minute and a half.

So long Amos, and good luck on the next chapter of your storied career.

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February 2022 News Roundup

6 Feb

February 6,2022

I have only one story this month, but it is very important and may save your life.

I had just finished reading a very important article about Kim Kardashian’s cellulite world peace in the New York Post mobile app (their motto: “We’ll Send You Alerts On Whatever We Want”) when I got to the end of the article, the bottom, where all the clickbait articles are, and I saw this:

Mayonnaise? Not on the list.

Good thing I did! I spit out the bite of weed killer sandwich I was about to swallow because maybe weed killer is one of the three deadliest poisons I never, ever, want to ingest. Now I may be willing to take my chances with the fourth or fifth deadliest poison (and number 10? Ha! I laugh at you, great-tasting arsenic) but the top three? Hey, momma only raised one idiot, and she tells me I’m not it, despite being an only child. I’m not messing with one through three.

But the article begs the question, which deadly poisons do I want to ingest? Are there many poisons that it is OK to ingest, or at least not bad? If I had a hankering to drink a glass of toxic snake venom, is that wrong? Should I not do that? Could I have a slice of delicious salmonella?

Well, I’m sorry, but the world may never know since I never did click on that link. I was too busy trying to find out if that’s Peter Dinklage in the Beastie Boys No Sleep Till Brooklyn video.

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