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More Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines

11 Aug

August 11, 2014

Hello again Devoted Readers. Last time I did a Snappy Answers column, I mentioned that I get complaints comments from my great aunt and her sewing circle, The Newkirk Needles. They can really be a feisty group of octogenarians. For example, this week they did a sew-in at their local Starbucks to protest the senior discount dropping from 20 to 15%. I now have a wonderful set of doilies with “Up with Starbucks” embroidery.

Anyway, they really got a chuckle out of the last witty retorts (as they put it) I made to the headlines from Newser.com. That site is quickly becoming my go-to source of bad journalism, quickly eclipsing The New York Post (their motto: Huh? We’re still around?).  Let’s go to round two.  I hope the sparky seamstresses enjoy this one as well.

newserfold

“Slink off?” Like in shame? What does this robot have to be ashamed of? Maybe someone walked into its bedroom while it was busy “folding itself” under the covers?

You can find a video of this right here. The robot’s walk can be described as “shuffling,” “scuttling,” or even a good old-fashioned, simple “walk.” It is not a slink. Someone at Newser (I’m looking at you, Jenn Gidman) should have her thesaurus pried out of her hands.

 

newserhipster

Ugh. You just know this guy is moving to Brooklyn. He’ll be sitting in Starbucks all day, using their free Wi-Fi to post his weird ISIS poetry, swinging his sword in a totally non-ironic way. I bet he has an overly-groomed beard and a monocle too.

 

newserweed
I’d rather have the weeds than the hipsters, that’s what I say. Unless “phragmites” is some new slang for hipster. I’m not sure I agree with chopping hipsters away, but I’ll volunteer to do something to get rid of them. I say we start with banning skinny jeans and plaid shirts.

 

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Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines, August 2014

3 Aug

August 3, 2014

Hello, Devoted Readers. I’m sure both of you will get a kick out of this. (I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I know for a fact that I have more than two devoted readers. My great aunt and her sewing circle call me every Sunday morning to complain.)

Journalism is certainly taking a beating in recent years, and frankly it deserves it. Take these actual headlines which appeared this weekend on newser.com. (Their motto: We’re the meh of the internet.)

bad timing

“‘Bad Timing’ Wiped Out Dinosaurs. Asteroid Hit At Just The Wrong Time, Researchers Say.”

So when is the right time for an asteroid to hit? Maybe if it had hit at night, when all the dinosaurs were safely tucked in bed, they would have made it. Or maybe it if had hit on a weekday when the dinosaurs were in school, they could have done the old duck and cover and hidden under their desks. Too bad the asteroid had to hit on a sunny  summertime Saturday afternoon when all the dinosaurs were at the beach, no shelter in sight.

cannibal

“Why Cannibalism Is Bad For Your Health”

I suppose it depends on whether you are the eater or the appetizer. Seriously, I can’t think of a situation where cannibalism would be good for your health.

ikea

“Woman Finds 80 Skeletons Crammed Into Ikea Bags. Gruesome Discovery Made in Swedish Church.”

I thought Ikea was a Swedish church. Whenever I buy something there, I pray it doesn’t fall apart.

But seriously, when the woman got home, she discovered that they were missing parts, two femurs and a metacarpal, plus she lost the little wrench Ikea uses to put everything together.

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