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Before I Hit Delete And Empty The Trash, Let’s Read Some Spam!

26 Jun

June 26, 2015

Here are some of my favorite recent spam comments. I usually don’t bother looking because, quite frankly, I have all the penis pills I’ll ever need. UH, I MEAN “I DON’T NEED ANY PENIS PILLS!” Yeah, that’s what I meant. All man here.

Anyway, there were a few messages that stood out. I present them here for the first and only time, before I hit delete and send these to the cyber-hell to which they belong. They are complete and unedited. Any typos in the comments are from the original spams, not my usual mistypes.

And yeah, forget about that penis pills typo. Sorry about that. I swear I only tried them once I don’t need them.

spam1

This one was in response to Allan Keyes’ review of Batman: A Death in the Family:

 What’s up everyone, it’s my first visit at this web site, and post is actually fruitful in favor of me, keep up posting these types of content.

Thanks! There’s plenty of these types of content to come. And speaking of Allan Keyes, he’s fruitful in favor of you too.

 

Here’s one that was sent to a post I wrote about my Dad ranting about the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade:

Mc – Guire is not a fan of the new lasers and prefers to stick with the tried and true CO2 version. s procedures, it is easy to afford to change your life around for the better. t one single procedure that men are seeking to have done either, Dr.

Yes! This man gets it! That is exactly what I was going for. My Dad wasn’t a fan of those new lasers either, he wasn’t about to let Macy’s get away with it, whatever it might have been. And though I may consistently and recklessly post medical advice all the time, I am not a doctor. You probably shouldn’t listen to me about those lasers.

 

One of my posts about Brighton Beach inspired this reaction:

Her $250 cash advance had cost her $187 and she or he still owed $225 principal to the second cash advance company as well as $250 plus interest to the first company Holley Dimeglio but in the years ahead until close the fund, we’re likely to try not to have ourselves in the position where every 3 months, unless we inform you things close, now we will tell we’re closed.

Ugh! I hate Common Core math! So let’s see, if she had a cash advance of $250 and it cost $187, that leaves $83. Take out taxes and fees, she’s got about $37 left. She still owes, uh, and there’s interest, every 3 months… The heck with it. Let Holley Dimeglio figure it out herself. She needs a part-time job or something.

 

This was in answer to my review of a Doctor Who episode:

Ӎy favorite ɑre the skull аnd cross bones tank fօr my dog. When talking about clothing, ɦere arе some phrases ƴoս сan use:. Thesе clothes dryers ѡill not send your indoor air outdoors.

It’s a good thing I read this before my vacation. That phrase really did come in handy in San Juan.
PEDDLER: Would you like to buy this handmade drum?
ME: These clothes dryers will not send your indoor air outdoors.
PEDDLER: You know we speak English in Puerto Rico, right?

 

This came in to my blog about Jimmy Olsen comic book covers:

I today wear heels 5 times per week and I’ve never ever thought more at home.

So never mind the thinking cap, it’s the thinking shoe we should be trying out. I could stand to do some more thinking at home.

 

Well, that’s it for tonight. I’ve been feeling a little slow, so I’m going to try those thinking heels, maybe they can help me solve that Common Core math problem a few comments back.

Anyone know where I can get size 13 men’s pumps?

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John Newly Has A Crush (Lying Awake with John Newly #10)

25 Jun

June 25, 2015

ANNOUNCER: That’s the news at 1 am, more news at the top of the hour

Eerie sci-fi music starts, goes on for almost 3 ½ minutes

ANNOUNCER: This is Lying Awake with John Newly. And here’s your host, John Newly.

Thank you! Tonight we are privileged, honored and privileged, actually, to have as our first and only guest, one of our Lying Awake favorites. And just between you and me, she’s one of my favorites too. We’re going to talk numerology with Linda McCandles. Let’s jump right in. Hi Linda!

-Hi John! So great to be back!

Linda, I just love the nights that we have you on!

-That must be why I’m on almost every week!

Oh Linda, you are so smart, and so beautiful! We’ve got your picture up on the Lying Awake website so our listeners can see you too. They can print out your picture if they want to. I’ve got it taped up over my microphone.

-Well, ok. (nervous laugh)

THE DATING GAME

Let’s talk about the Presidential election. I understand you have some unique numerological insights.

-That’s right John. I’ve found that if you were to add the numbers in the birthdays of any President, then divide it by the number of months he was in office, the number you produce is even almost half of the time.

Really? That must mean something.

-Yes! And what’s more amazing is that it works regardless of if the President was a Republican or a Democrat.

Wow, I guess that goes to show you that we really are all the same, no matter what we believe. This proves the brotherhood of man, don’t you think?

-I do!

Linda, whenever I have you on, my thoughts always come back to love. Can we talk about that?

-Um, ok…

What number- and it has to be a number found in numerology, right? What number found in numerology is a good love number?

– Well John, 8 is always a signifier of new love.

Linda, I don’t know if you noticed, but it’s 8 minutes after 1 right now.

-My clock says 1:12.

No, no, it’s 1:08. I just set my watch to that. I made it 1:08.

love-time-clock-23589301

-Yes, yes, well… oh! Did you know that if you want to know how lucky a year will be, you just need to add up the numbers in the year?

Hmm, let’s try that. This is 2015. So that’s 2 plus zero, that’s zero, no, I mean two. And then you add 1 and 5 or should I add them together and make 15?

-You should add 2 plus 1 plus 5.

OK, just give me a second………………………………………. What’s that? My producer tells me that he’s done it and those numbers all add up to 8. And you know what that means Linda, hmm?

-Sure, it means that this will be a year of change.

Love, you mean love.

-No, we’re doing the luck calendar. Eight is a number of unlucky change.

But we came up with the number of love a few minutes ago. Eight!

-Numerology is-

FINE! My buttinsky producer Fast Eddie tells me that we are very late to go to commercial and we have to take a break. And when we come back, we’ll talk more about this big number eight controversy and maybe even make some diner plans with Linda. What? Eddie, stop talking to me while I’m trying to talk to Linda. No, no, I told you my wife is very sick. We’re separated, going to get a divorce. It’s an open marriage. I really want to talk to Linda about this, maybe plan a trip to Maine with her. I bought her this lace-

-John?

What? We’re still on? You heard that? Eddie, go to commercial!

 

 

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