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Billy and The Dead Meat

25 Jun

June 25, 2016

Are you ready? I’ve got another GREAT idea! I know I have a pretty bad track record at great ideas. My last great movie idea was Hamsterus! Remember that? The touching story of a young boy and his giant radioactive hamster. I tried to get that filmed but there were several roadblocks in my way, such as lack of talent. But I’ve got another AWESOME MOVIE IDEA!

Are you listening, Hollywood? Good.

Mystery is played out. Love stories? Yesterday’s news. How about a good old fashioned Western? Nah. And sci-fi? Unless your name is Mr. Star Wars, tough luck. But I’ve got it.

There hasn’t been a really good stoner film since Seth Rogan and James Franco put out whatever their last piece of crap was. So what we need is a really hysterical stoner comedy. Pot is funny! And that’s what I’ve got in mind. If anyone is going to make stoner movies great again, I will. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

Yes, I am determined to use a bunch of my old logos in this post.

Yes, I am determined to use a bunch of my old logos in this post.

BILLY AND THE DEAD MEAT!

I can hear you now! “Mr. Blog, that sounds amazing! We can’t wait to see your new movie, Billy and The Dead Meat. We love you! We want to have sex with you! Sell me a dozen tickets right now for a ridiculous price! We will pay anything!”

Yeah! I will be happy to take your money! (The sex thing? Not so much, for most of you. Send pictures.) But I think I should probably tell you a little bit more about this incredible film that will totally change your life and make me rich.

See?

See?

Billy is your typical teenage pot smoker. Now I don’t smoke pot and have no idea what teenagers are into nowadays (is Tokyo Drift still a thing?) but hey, how hard is it write a stoner? He smokes, forgets things, falls down and eats a lot.

He is best friends with The Dead Meat. He’s a stoner too but get this! He’s an old man. Think about it! An old man with the munchies! An old man selling pot on the street corner. HA! Old men don’t do that so it’s funny! Maybe I can throw in a medicinal marijuana joke and make it topical. It’ll be great!

Pot! Stoners! A guy called The Dead Meat! The plot? It writes itself! It writes itself so much that I’m not going to worry about writing it right now. I’m sure it won’t be too hard. I’ve got a great title. What more do I need?

All good movies start off with great movie posters.

All good movies start off with great movie posters.

 

 

 

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“Your Honor, I Don’t Recall.”

21 Jun

June 21, 2016

I watch a lot of TV court shows. I TiVo The People’s Court every day, because there is nothing better than watching people sue over things like old coffee cans and hurt feelings. And while I’ve gotten a little tired of Judge Judy (who is getting just a bit soft and yelling just a bit less this season), I’ve gotten into her new production, Hot Bench, which I also record. That show, unlike literally every other court show out there (I’m looking at you, Judge Ross), is actually interesting. That show has three judges listening to the cases at once, and they sometimes argue among themselves about the outcome.

hot bench

But what drives me nuts about the shows are the litigants, not the judges. They all think that since they are in a court room they have to sound smart. For example:

“Your Honorable, me and my boo was operating the moving vehicle, AKA my car, for which I had been owning a drivers license…” etc etc etc….

They can’t just say “I was driving my car.”

But the worst thing is when they think they are being slick by saying “I don’t recall.”

“I don’t recall signing my life insurance away to my gold-digging wife.”

So did you do it or didn’t you? If you mean to say you didn’t do it, say “I didn’t do it.” Saying you don’t recall means that yes, maybe you did it, it is possible, but you just don’t have a memory of it. It isn’t a denial, it leaves open the possibility that whatever it was really happened, and it sounds to me like shiesty way of trying to lie without really having to tell a lie.

I can believe that you don’t remember if you had two waffles or three for breakfast on June 3rd, 2011, but I damn well know you remember if you hit a deer with your car last week.

 

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