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Top Ten Poorly Conceived Children’s Holiday Specials

29 Nov

November 29, 2012

A Very Brady Arbor Day

Happy Thanksgiving, Idi Amin!

The Family Chanel Presents A Token Black Christmas

Because if there has ever been a black person on the Family Channel I’ve never seen him.

Rudolph’s Shiny Cancerous Growth

Nancy Pelosi Explains The Fiscal Cliff, Live from Rockefeller Center

GAH!

Sinners Go To Hell, Charlie Brown

Heat Miser’s Gay Pride Celebration

Lil Wayne Saves Santa

They Legalized It, Frosty!

December 21st, 2012: There Is No Future

I’m Gonna Hit You, Sucka!

26 Nov

November 26, 2012

You’d think a poster this good would have a decent movie attached, wouldn’t you? Well you’d be wrong. BADLY wrong.  This film sucks, and the less said the better. But it DOES serve as a vehicle for a semi-awkward segue….

What it did however, was put me in a mood to see some real sucker punches. This one here is the current internet champion:

1)      DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!

 “I DON’T CARE! YOU WANNA BE A MAN? I GONNA TREAT YOU LIKE A MAN!”  WOW.  Now I don’t hold with hitting women but that was some amazing uppercut. The last time you saw something like that Drago was killing Apollo Creed. Worldstarhiphop.com is a great site full of many fun videos in this vein. Highly recommended.

 

2)      EPIC FLAIL!

This was another famous one making the rounds for awhile. EPIC BEARD MAN totally whups butt here starting at 1:45. Why was that guy trying him out anyway? It was obvious that old or not, Mr. Beardman was going to be a problem for anyone stupid enough to get into it with him.   And he’s quite the celebrity. He’s been thrown out of busses, restaurants, even the Oakland A’s game.  But who’s gonna step up to him? You? I certainly won’t.

 

3)      READ THIS PALM!

Come for the policeman laying the most resounding slap you’ll ever see and stay for the hilarious commentary by Opie and Anthony, and the late Patrice O’Neal.  (Warning, mild profanity).  This represents one of the most hilarious, spontaneous takes Patrice ever had on the show.

The takeaway is that cops in other countries are not ones you want to mess around with. And when one is giving you the thousand-yard stare, you better be ready to duck.

Oh Patrice…..RIP. You’re sorely missed sir.

                      

4) McFIGHT – ROUND ONE!

You gotta be drunk to want McNuggets THAT badly. The last time I flipped out in a McDonalds at least I had a justified reason – they gave me a Quarter Pounder instead of a DOUBLE Quarter Pounder!  Unfortunately, Grimace and the Hamburgler came out and subdued me.

 

5)      McFIGHT – ROUND TWO!

This one is just low. A “grown” (physically if certainly not mentally) man swinging at a teen girl ½ his weight. On the plus side, he certainly gets the job done. On the minus side, he’s certainly not going to be served any faster now….

 

………….AND THE GREATEST SUCKER PUNCH OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…..Do I really need to comment?

 

Now because you sat through all of that, here’s an early Christmas present for you.  You’re welcome!