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Tag Archives: Charlie Brown

He’s A Nasty Man, Charlie Brown

22 Oct

October 22, 2016

It’s the fiftieth anniversary of the classic It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. For decades, poor Charlie Brown has been getting rocks instead of candy. But did you ever wonder why the adults on his street would give a little boy rocks on Halloween? Read on for one man’s story.

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The Time: Halloween 1966
The Place: The home of Burt and Luann Smith, just down the block from Charlie Brown’s house

BURT: (Looking out window) Hey Luann, it’s getting dark. Those trick-or-treaters are coming down the block.

LUANN: (Calling out from the kitchen) I’ve got a bowl of candy near the door, Honey. Don’t give them too much, just a couple of pieces each.

BURT: (Muttering) I’m keeping the Kit Kats for myself.

From outside, the distant sounds of children trick-or-treating can be heard.

BURT: (Still at the window) Aw Jeez Luann, that kid with the messed up head and the blanket is squatting in the Jackson’s pumpkin patch. What’s wrong with him? (Burt squints, looks closely) I think he’s got that little Sally Brown with him. (Muttering again) I bet the coyotes get her first.

LUANN: (Still in kitchen) What did you say dear?

BURT: Nothing, dear, nothing dear (bell rings) Uh, got to get the door.

Burt opens the front door. A group of kids in homemade costumes yells “trick or treat!” Burt gives them some candy, pocketing the Kit Kats for himself. They leave but before he closes the door, he looks down the block.
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BURT: Luann, I’ll be back in a second. I just have to run out back for a minute. (Burt runs out the back door.)

LUANN: (Enters the living room) What? Where are you?

BURT: (Comes back) OK Hon, I’m back.

Burt puts a pile of rocks on the table near the bowl of candy.

LUANN: What are you doing with those rocks?

BURT: That Brown kid is coming down the street. He’s such a blockhead, his costume has about 50 extra holes in it. Match the ones in his head.

LUANN: Burt! He’s such a sweet little boy!

BURT: Yeah, such a sweet little boy. When’s the last time he cleaned up after his dog? That damn beagle keeps leaving piles in the front yard. And how did a dog get those goggles and that scarf anyway?

Burt opens the door a crack and peeks out.

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BURT: Yeah, yeah, here he comes. You want a trick or treat? I got a trick for ya. (Quickly shuts the door.)

LUANN: Burt, really!

BURT: Shhh shhh here they come! (Bell rings)

Burt opens the door and a group of kids, including Charlie Brown, yell trick or treat.

BURT: Here you are, you cute little goblins! (He gives each in turn a piece of candy, except for Charlie Brown, who gets a rock.)

Burt closes the door, smiling a nasty grin.

LUANN: Burt! That was horrible! He’s just a little boy!

BURT: He’s lucky I gave him a rock and not one of his dog’s turds. I’ve got a dozen of them on the lawn.

Burt goes to the window, sees the kids comparing their candy and opens it a crack, just in time to hear Charlie Brown say “I got a rock.”

BURT: Serves you right, you little bald blockhead.

THE END

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Mr. Blog’s Super Bowl Preview!

29 Jan

January 29, 2016

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Super Bowl 50 is right around the corner and you know what that means! It is time for Mr. Blog’s annual Pigskin Preview! I must note for those of you who do not eat pork that footballs are no longer made from pigs, so this blog is safe for your consumption.

As long time readers of this blog know, Mr. Blog is a huge football fan. A quick search of this site will turn up no less than TWO football themed blogs. (OK, technically, I didn’t write them both, Allan Keyes wrote one, and technically they were really just making of Rex Ryan and trolling Jets fans, not so much about football.) But I still have football cred: I once saw an actual NFL game, in person, at Giants Stadium. I also saw an XFL game there too, but the less said about that the better.

The Big Game is being played this year in San Francisco. San Francisco is the home of the 49ers, but they aren’t in the Super Bowl. They went a dismal 5-11, which means they will be watching two much better teams battle it out on their home turf. (Feel the burn, ‘Niners! Or maybe I should say “feel the Bern,” this being an election year. I have no idea if Bernie Sanders is a football fan, but I am sure that if he is elected, he will legislate the Super Bowl out of existence, seeing as how it is unfair that only deserving teams get in.)

This year, the Carolina Panthers will be facing the Denver Broncos, in what is sure to be a fantastic matchup because I think at least one of those teams has Peyton Manning. If his Papa John’s Pizza commercials are to believed, he’s one heck of a quarterback. And he also makes a tasty pizzalucy-football

Tickets for the Super Bowl sold out in less time than it took to sell them, believe it or not. The NFL should really look into that. If you want to buy a ticket legally, you should probably forget it, but if you want to pay the exorbitant prices a scalper will charge you, I know a guy on 18th Avenue. Meet him in back of the pizzeria at 9:00. Last year, scalped tickets were sold for up to – hold onto your hats!- $48,000, according to CBS.com. Do you know how many overseas brides you can buy for that kind of money? Um, uh, no, neither do I. Let’s move along. Really, I have no idea, prices have gone up since I, um… yeah, let’s move along.

Meanwhile, the most important question about the Super Bowl is not who will win (the bookies) but who will be performing the halftime show. This is a very important slot. While millions of fans flock to the bathrooms to make room for more beer, viewers who would never, ever, watch a football game rush to their TVs to see which big name is performing. This year, the NFL announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be making his singing debut and performing his song “I Smoke Huge Cigars,” but he canceled at the last minute and was replaced with something called Coldplay, with special guest Beyonce. Yeah, good luck with that.

However, millions of fans will flip channels at halftime to watch The Puppy Bowl, in which cute little puppies run around, drink water, and poop in a cute little stadium. The Puppy Bowl even has competition, The Kitten Bowl, and I am not making that up. So far there is no gerbil bowl. (Insert your own Richard Gere joke here.)

Overall, the Super Bowl is sure to be an exciting game for the millions of people who bet huge sums of money on it. And most of that huge money was bet by advertisers, who spent tons of cash to get their ads on TV during the game. The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride wanted to showcase the new Tepid Ride commercial during the second quarter, but with our budget, we were only able to buy an ad on Telemundo. Look for us at 3am during a Goya Bean game show.

 

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