January 29, 2016
Super Bowl 50 is right around the corner and you know what that means! It is time for Mr. Blog’s annual Pigskin Preview! I must note for those of you who do not eat pork that footballs are no longer made from pigs, so this blog is safe for your consumption.
As long time readers of this blog know, Mr. Blog is a huge football fan. A quick search of this site will turn up no less than TWO football themed blogs. (OK, technically, I didn’t write them both, Allan Keyes wrote one, and technically they were really just making of Rex Ryan and trolling Jets fans, not so much about football.) But I still have football cred: I once saw an actual NFL game, in person, at Giants Stadium. I also saw an XFL game there too, but the less said about that the better.
The Big Game is being played this year in San Francisco. San Francisco is the home of the 49ers, but they aren’t in the Super Bowl. They went a dismal 5-11, which means they will be watching two much better teams battle it out on their home turf. (Feel the burn, ‘Niners! Or maybe I should say “feel the Bern,” this being an election year. I have no idea if Bernie Sanders is a football fan, but I am sure that if he is elected, he will legislate the Super Bowl out of existence, seeing as how it is unfair that only deserving teams get in.)
This year, the Carolina Panthers will be facing the Denver Broncos, in what is sure to be a fantastic matchup because I think at least one of those teams has Peyton Manning. If his Papa John’s Pizza commercials are to believed, he’s one heck of a quarterback. And he also makes a tasty pizza
Tickets for the Super Bowl sold out in less time than it took to sell them, believe it or not. The NFL should really look into that. If you want to buy a ticket legally, you should probably forget it, but if you want to pay the exorbitant prices a scalper will charge you, I know a guy on 18th Avenue. Meet him in back of the pizzeria at 9:00. Last year, scalped tickets were sold for up to – hold onto your hats!- $48,000, according to CBS.com. Do you know how many overseas brides you can buy for that kind of money? Um, uh, no, neither do I. Let’s move along. Really, I have no idea, prices have gone up since I, um… yeah, let’s move along.
Meanwhile, the most important question about the Super Bowl is not who will win (the bookies) but who will be performing the halftime show. This is a very important slot. While millions of fans flock to the bathrooms to make room for more beer, viewers who would never, ever, watch a football game rush to their TVs to see which big name is performing. This year, the NFL announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be making his singing debut and performing his song “I Smoke Huge Cigars,” but he canceled at the last minute and was replaced with something called Coldplay, with special guest Beyonce. Yeah, good luck with that.
However, millions of fans will flip channels at halftime to watch The Puppy Bowl, in which cute little puppies run around, drink water, and poop in a cute little stadium. The Puppy Bowl even has competition, The Kitten Bowl, and I am not making that up. So far there is no gerbil bowl. (Insert your own Richard Gere joke here.)
Overall, the Super Bowl is sure to be an exciting game for the millions of people who bet huge sums of money on it. And most of that huge money was bet by advertisers, who spent tons of cash to get their ads on TV during the game. The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride wanted to showcase the new Tepid Ride commercial during the second quarter, but with our budget, we were only able to buy an ad on Telemundo. Look for us at 3am during a Goya Bean game show.