Shop Smart! Shop Keyes Mart!

3 Sep

September 3, 2012

            “Buy This Stuff! We Have Legal Bills!”

Just in time for Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa and any other holiday we can cash in on, Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride is proud to open the shopping section of our web site for our valued customers.


*FREE SHIPPING AVAILABLE!   (*customer must pay shipping surcharge)

*RUSH DELIVERY GUARANTEED!   (*rush orders guaranteed to ship within three months of payment)

*SPECIFY GIFT WRAP!   (*then go out and buy the wrapping paper you want)

*EASY RETURN POLICY!  (*we don’t accept any)


Fresh from the remainder bins at Borders, Kill Whitey is Allen Keyes’ poignant memoir of growing up as an outsider in turbulent 1960’s Schenectady. From his time as founder of the Black Leopard Party, to his stints as henchman in various anarcho-activist groups, to his invention of LSD, Keyes lays bare his soul in this decades-spanning saga.  1,273 pages.  “Allen Keyes pulls no punches. If you want to read a 10-page long lovingly written description of Keyes bludgeoning various people with his signature lead-filled baseball bat, this one is for you. Highest recommendation!” Christian Science Monitor Review of Books

 Now it can be told! Hollywood icon and abusive father Bing Crosby reveals his life-long “partnership” with his “good friend” Allen Keyes.  From their first meeting at Frank Sinatra’s bathhouse, to the falling out over Keyes advising Crosby to pass on “Singing in the Rain”, Crosby’s memoir is written in regretful, haunting prose.  272 pages, picture insert.  “The Crosby family hereby forbids you from promoting or selling this publication” —  Lawyer for the Crosby Estate


The State of New York vs Allen Keyes.  For the first time, the complete set of court transcripts detailing all of Keyes’ various battles with the law are unsealed! Previously unreleased materials include:  Juvenile offender hearing transcripts, suppressed testimony from the butler at the Brooke Astor trial, and the District Attorney’s personal rebuttal to the verdict from the nursing home inquiry. Order by Oct. 1 and received an autographed courtroom sketch! – “This guy…….he’s not my kind of guy”  — Hon. Rudolph Giuliani


Mr.BTR ANALOG EDITION.   No time to read your favorite blog? Too broke to own a digital device or smartphone?  We got you covered! Take Fat Guy, Saturday Comics, Imponderables and the rest of your favorites along with you, anytime, anywhere!  Analog edition comes in monthly or yearly subscription plans.  Portability has never been so fun or useful!  Analog reader sold separately.


STYLISH BOOKENDS! OUR MOST POPULAR SELLER! Made from the highest quality Newark Lucite, these hip bookends make a statement about your quality of taste and décor. Nothing says understated and elegant like the fat guy! 6×5 in., 3lbs each. Made in China.  Also available in white frame.


The #1 game in Monaco comes to the United States! Game modes include 1-player, 2-player and 17-player online experience. Rated C. Order by Oct. 1 and receive exclusive code to download the locked Hillbilly Cosplay  level!  Available for Xbox, PS3, Wii or Atari 2600.   “1 out of 10” —– EGM    “What the he—is this crap??” – Editor’s Pick, Xbox Magazine


ENDORSED BY SNOOKI!  Fashionable Mr.BTR t-shirts! Handcrafted from the finest Egyptian cotton and custom designed by our exclusive stable of artists, these T-shirts are sure to make you the envy of your friends, and THE fashion icon in your neighborhood. Available in a variety of styles.

Mr. Blog’s Picks of the Month:

Jokeclops brand cheap booze! For when you want to get your a$$ ripped!!!  500-proof. “That sh-t knocks me out!” – Lindsey Lohan

Just in time for Christmas! Keyes Kroons Kristmas Ksongs has all your favorite hits, including Kwhite Kristmas, and Kjingle Kbells! Also available as an iTunes download.–  “Timeless, a true American Classic” – Bono, U2


6 Responses to “Shop Smart! Shop Keyes Mart!”

  1. zathra September 3, 2012 at 1:28 am #

    You want to try selling this on eBay, instead ? 🙂


    • bmj2k September 3, 2012 at 1:34 am #

      Hmmmm, Keyes is stuck with 350,000 bottles of Jokeclops booze he has to move somehow…


      • zathra September 3, 2012 at 1:52 am #

        Jokeclops vodka or schnapps ? In case I have a party anytime soon…..


    • allenkeyes September 3, 2012 at 1:38 am #

      eBay revoked my selling privileges after I tried to sell that cheetah


      • zathra September 3, 2012 at 1:54 am #

        Should I ask about the history of said cheetah ? 😉


  2. Jimbo September 3, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    What the


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