This Gentleman Needs to Get His Ass Kicked**: UNFUN WITH TEH INTERNETS

23 Jul

July 23, 2012

While compiling last week’s Fun With Teh Internets, I came across a story so annoying, so stupid, that just thinking about it really cheeses me off.

So what if I have not a single artistic bone in my body? My stick figures are crooked, I’m tone deaf, and I can’t fingerpaint correctly.  Even the elephants are more artistic than me  So what? At least I know art when I see it.

This is art:                     

This is art:


 This is art:


And even this is art (when done by your pre-schooler)



Ladies and gentlemen……this is most definitely NOT art:

Before I even begin, I need to note the hilarity of this site putting the skepticism quotes around Hamburglar instead of artist.

Now let’s all just take a minute to let the breathtaking ass-hattery on display here sink in and make an impact:

This so-called “artist” throws partially-eaten cheeseburgers at people as he bikes on by.

Now I’m just a simple man with simple values, but THAT SURE AS F**K DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ART TO ME! 

Let’s dig in slightly further into this:

The bizarre performance art “Second Deceit aka Free Cheeseburgers,” as the piece is formally called — kicked off at the McDonalds on Third Avenue near East 85th Street Tuesday morning, when Hill stocked up on 20 cheeseburgers for $32.44, bit a chunk out of each one, and re-wrapped them with Scotch tape.

Hill doesn’t even swallow the bites of cheeseburger that he takes, instead spitting the burger bits into a bag.

“It upsets my stomach,” he said of the burger.

You know what upsets my stomach? IDIOT HIPSTERS WHO THINK THEY’RE DEEP DOING STUPID SH*T LIKE THIS. I HATE HIPSTERS. I HATE HIPSTERS. GOD DO I HATE HIPSTERS. And they’re always wearing those !*$#!^@ porkpie hats like they’re so cool. Look you morons, porkpie hats are NOT cool. You know when the last time a porkpie hat was cool was?  THIS is when: 

The French Connection! AWESOME film!

Sorry guys, but it will be a cold day in hell before you’re even a third as cool as Popeye Doyle.  HE GOT SO BLIND  DRUNK HE ALLOWED A HOOKER TO CUFF HIM TO THE BED WITH HIS OWN COP CUFFS. That’s rolling hardcore my friends.

Anyway, back to this “artist”. This article helpfully provides a picture for me to mock: 

Leaving aside the stupid costume, let’s do a comparison. REAL man, and pretentious d-bag hipsters: 



UGH. It’s like the beta-male exhibit in the monkey house. Now let’s try another experiment. Take the above and compare them to….


Draw your own conclusions.
Anyway, moving on….

A couple more choice excerpts:

This time, Hill said he wanted to “do the complete opposite and just be a villain.” He wanted his actions to be one of those “little things that messes up your whole day,” he said.

This is what art is now? Some jagoff just wanting to do something to mess up your day?  I don’t get it. He’s got time to bike around doing this (and other examples of a-hole art, from his web site, which I won’t even go into) – who has the time for this kind of garbage nowadays?? That said, he fails even at this. Something like this wouldn’t mess up my whole day. It would be a few seconds bother before I arrived at work and my boss chewed me out for whatever project I screwed up. Now THAT ruins my whole day.

Hill said he didn’t want to do the project in Harlem, where he lives, because he felt throwing burgers in a lower-income neighborhood would have different connotations than doing it on the Upper East Side, which is home to among New York City’s wealthiest zip codes. (He also tries to avoid throwing burgers to homeless people, he added.)

Heh……yeah, I bet he doesn’t want to do the project in Harlem. The “different” connotations would involve him running for his life. And instead of throwing ruined food at the homeless, why not give them some untainted burgers? YOU’RE RUINING FOOD WHILE PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY.  What a stupid, selfish coward.

Drivers, on the other hand, whizzing by his bike, often shout for a burger. Hill, however, is too afraid to give them anything. “I don’t want to do that because they can chase me down with their car,” he said

Oh man, that would be sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Yeah dude, please try these cars out:


I wish I had ANY of these cars, especially the one with the death laser. Oh man, I could have some fun with that. I’d never be stuck in traffic or have to look for a parking spot!

Anyway, here’s my favorite quote (taken from a Guardian write up of this dope)

Thursday night was Hill’s eighth performance in the series and he had a particularly despondent attitude towards the whole project: “No one’s really coming out to see it and the people who do see it don’t know what it is. It sort of feels kind of pointless in a way, doesn’t it?”

Pointless in a way? Buddy, IT IS POINTLESS IN EVERY WAY.  It’s as pointless as your life I imagine. But hey, if you’re feeling down about your art…..  (There’s a Simpson’s reference for everything!)

So this is what some people now consider art. I guarantee you 50 years from now, nobody will be flocking to museums to see the cheeseburger throwing exhibit. And if they do….well, watch out for me, because I’ll be there to break it all up with my laser car.

SIDE NOTE:  Not only was Popeye Doyle portrayed so awesomely by the great Gene Hackman, but he was also later played in a TV movie ( another of my favorite actors ever: …. Ed “Al Bundy” Oneill:

How awesome is that??!

** Not that I should have to, but it keeping with interweb etiquette, I have to note that I don’t actually endorse or advocate any violence against this guy.  He needs a good ass-kicking, but let’s all leave it to someone else to administer it, m’kay?


UPDATE: Added by express request of Mr. B……….I present Hipster Fat Guy!


16 Responses to “This Gentleman Needs to Get His Ass Kicked**: UNFUN WITH TEH INTERNETS”

  1. Thomas Stazyk July 23, 2012 at 12:12 am #

    a. I was wondering how you were going to work the hamburger guy in–well done.
    b. Yes, Popeye Doyle/Gene Hackman-cool. I love the scene where he shakes down all the addicts in the bar–“Anyone want a milkshake?”
    c. The Hamburglar ‘artist’–total jerk. I can only hope he’s mentally unstable because if he’s some NYU art major we’re in big troube.


    • allenkeyes July 23, 2012 at 12:17 am #

      The scene in the bar is CLASSIC isn’t it?


  2. zathra July 23, 2012 at 2:17 am #

    What LUNATIC ASYLUM do these people escape from ?? Their security must be ruddy awful.

    I can put DVD’s / Blu Ray disks of bad movies on fishing lines, hang them from telephone poles, lamp – posts, flag poles, etc. & claim that I’m making an artistic statement.


    • Thomas Stazyk July 23, 2012 at 6:32 am #

      Oh, please do that. And I’ll write the review in the NYT: “The viewer is enraptured. Is it a mobile? A sculpture? The delicate play of light creates an never ending cascade of rainbow shapes that remind us of life’s transience, while the circularity of the disks perfectly encapsulate the cycle of life. Zartha has created an ouvre that speaks to the primal humanity in all of us. I, for one, wept.”


      • zathra July 23, 2012 at 7:53 am #

        Better yet, I could hang them from helium balloons, tether them & then hire a good sharpshooter ( I’m sure I could find some redneck NRA types around that would do it for free ) to ventilate the balloons & bring them down, to a chorus of ” Sic Transit Gloria Mundi ” or ” O Fortuna “.


        • Thomas Stazyk July 23, 2012 at 3:38 pm #

          That gives new meaning to the term “performance art!”


          • zathra July 23, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

            Wish I had the resources to actually DO such a thing – & perhaps money for the legal fees & litigation afterwords.


            • bmj2k July 23, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

              I smell viral video sensation.


              • zathra July 23, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

                Fund – rising 1st, I wonder if I could apply for a grant from the NEA ? Recycling DVDs of mediocre to horrible movies.


                • bmj2k July 23, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

                  You can start with anything starring Jonah Hill.


                  • zathra July 23, 2012 at 10:04 pm #

                    Or any movie featuring Miley Cyrus, or a DVD collection of Glee episodes OR anything w / Tom Cruise, except ” TOP GUN “.


                    • Thomas Stazyk July 24, 2012 at 12:49 am #

                      Sure you’re going to have enough helium?


                    • zathra July 24, 2012 at 4:34 am #

                      NEA Grant….. That should cover that, right ?


  3. Jimbo July 23, 2012 at 5:18 am #

    Another guy, Mayor McCheese, pulled ribs out of almost $40 worth of McRib sandwiches and created Eve McRibs; sandwhichs that are bloated and grumpy all the time.


  4. Mac of BIOnighT July 25, 2012 at 12:52 am #

    Anybody who speaks highly of Gene Hackman gets my vote. Anybody who points out that somebody who does something plain stupid and calls it art is just an idiot, gets my vote. You’ve got two votes from me.


Have something to say? Let's hear it!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: