Imponderable #47: Alberta Canada

25 May

May 25, 2012

From my “A rose by any other name would sound pretty stupid” department, cross-referenced with my “will any of these kids be employable when they grow up?” department:

Moo Smith
Unique Anderson
Unique Braithwaite
Messiah Simpson
J-Cub (no last name necessary)
Smiley Richards
Tuff Cooper
Tuba Kearney
Jazz Bloomberg
Camry Billings
Andromeda Davis
Xxavier Hernandez
R Hilton 
J Phillips

Isn’t R such a nice masculine name? But what about the pair of not-so-Uniques? Keeping in mind that I picked the last names at random, which of those kids is likely to get an interview for an important job? Tuba? Doubtful. Which kid will get teased mercilessly in school? Camry would be my guess, followed by Tuff, who better be when he grows up with a name like that. And naming your kid J is not doing your kid any favors, all you are guaranteeing is that she will spend her life explaining that no, it is not an initial.

Parents want their children to stand out and be individuals. That’s great. But is giving them silly names the way to go? Sure, celebrity kids all get dopey names like Apple, but they have celebrity parents and celebrity money backing them. Flower children from the sixties gave their kids silly names like Moon and Mop-N-Glo but you could blame that on the drugs.

I am not just being old-fashioned or cranky (this time), studies show that people with bizarre names do worse in the job market. It is a fact. Parents, if you want your kids to be truly unique, encourage them to be creative and intelligent. Then when they become famous they can call themselves anything they want and no one will beat them up in the men’s room or file their job applications in the trash.

Remember, Eminem started life as Marshall, Jay-Z started life as Shawn, and Lady Gaga was plain old Stephanie. I think they did pretty well for themselves.

Why would a parent name her child Tuba?

The question is Imponderable.

Moo? Seriously? That kid is destined for bulimia.

6 Responses to “Imponderable #47: Alberta Canada”

  1. Mac of BIOnighT May 25, 2012 at 12:41 am #

    I just met a little girl named “Dea” (which means “Goddess” in Italian). Now, just how do you live up to a name like that (unless you’re Storm from X-men)?
    I like particular names, too, but you’re right, there’s a line parents shouldn’t cross, for their kids’ (future adults) sake.


    • Thomas Stazyk May 25, 2012 at 3:12 am #

      When I lived in Cleveland I remember a news story about some people with the last name of “Dick” who named their kid “Ima.” As Joey said, “That’s so far past the line, the line is a dot.”


  2. Thomas Stazyk May 25, 2012 at 12:46 am #

    Actually, this one isn’t so imponderable. People give their kids unusual names because they are idiots. I think I told you about this one:


  3. zathra May 25, 2012 at 2:02 am #

    Let’s see : What about Apollo, Teal’c, Tayla, Ronon, T’Pol, Bra’tac, The Doctor, Face of Boe, Captain Jack, THE MASTER….. ? Letting my Geek flag fly here.

    Then there’s Anon E. Mousse. & my personal favorite from the Simpsons, Max Power. The Simpsons are still great, even if they have lost their edge. 😉 & Boomhauer. Just Boomhauer ( For fans of KotH )


  4. allenkeyes May 25, 2012 at 10:46 pm #

    You’re missing the point here…..newspapers are assigning reporters to do this sh*t? Thank god there’s no REAL news that needs covering…..


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