Archive | 4:08 pm

Snappy Answers to Stupid Celebrity Headlines

16 Feb

February 16, 2011, mid-day

I’ve been a fan of the snappy answers to CNN’s stupid questions over at skinner.fm. In fact, they inspired me to do a special mid-day edition of The Tepid Ride. My apologies. That means there will be six blogs this week instead of five. I hope your schedule (and your stomach) can handle it.

Here are my Snappy Answers to Stupid Celebrity Headlines, with all due respect to Mad magazine, whose Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions inspired the name of this blog. (OK, I ripped it off.)

“I’ve been drunk and high in my limo, in a hotel room, on an airplane, while riding a bull, in the street, on my roof, with Bill Clinton, on the set, but I have never been a Civil War reenactor.”

Yeah, me too.

Who better than a man who spends his life around other sweaty men and in stinky locker rooms to know what smells good?

“I spend hours looking for the perfect location, getting the right light, and picking out the right swimsuit, but mostly I just put a tiny bikini on a hot girl with big boobs.”

The Cockfighters

16 Feb

February 16, 2011

“No one in this world, so far as I know … has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.” HL Mencken said that and to this day no one understands what it means. Why? Because the average person is stupid.

OK, I know that sounds nasty. You probably expected me to continue that last sentence with “but,” as in “OK, I know that sounds nasty but in reality…” Sorry. Not going to happen. It’s that kind of blog.

I may be cynical but I believe that I come by that cynicism honestly. The average man does stupid things. Just look at any seasonal news stories. Thanksgiving: Man dies from burns received when attempting to flash-fry a turkey in an oil drum. Fourth of July: Man attempts to start a barbeque by tossing gasoline on his grill and dies of third degree burns. And the worst burn of all: Valentine’s Day: Man gets married.

And then there are sporting events. I am not knocking the sport of boxing, but what sane man would voluntarily compete in a sport where there is the likelihood of repeated intentional blows to the head? Neither am I knocking hockey, but what sane man would voluntarily compete in a sport where there is the likelihood of repeated intentional blows to the head? And soccer? What sane man would compete in a sport where the sound of vuvuzela’s drive you out of your friggin’ head? My God, it was bad enough listening to that crap on TV, but to have to be in the stadium while thousands of people blow those cheap plastic Happy Meal horns so loud that you can’t hear yourself tell them to shove those horns up there asses? And yeah, what sane man would voluntarily compete in an event where there is the likelihood of repeated intentional blows to the head? That soccer ball has to hurt.

Perhaps this may be a good time to warn you that this blog may contain a bit of salty language and slight sexual innuendo. How can I avoid it when the main topic is cockfighting?

I will now pause while you snigger and get it all out of your system. Go ahead, laugh. After all, we’re talking about cockfights. BTW- you may want to be careful when you type that into your search engine.

Also, while it may be factually and linguistically correct to refer to the fighting birds as “cocks,” I am going to stick with the much safer word “roosters.” If you need an explanation then the internet is not for you.

According to wikipedia, proved accurate a mere 23% of the time, “The combatants, aptly referred to as gamecocks, are specially bred birds, conditioned for increased stamina and strength. The comb and wattle are cut off in order to meet show standards of the American Gamefowl Society and the Old English Game Club.”

Well yeah, but no. See, that assumes that you are following international cockfighting rules, which you can’t in America or Europe. It is illegal to stage cockfights in those parts of the world. But of course it goes on, in cellars and basements, in Michael Vick’s house, in the back of bars, really, anywhere out of the view of the American Gamefowl Society and the Old English Game Club. And trust me, those people running the fights do not play by the rules.

For example, what wiki fails to mention is that some people are stupid enough to attach weapons to the bird’s feet. Whoever thought it was a good idea to strap a knife to a rooster’s foot?

Apparently Jose Luis Ochoa did.

It is hard to have faith in your fellow man when you read stuff like that. The Wide World of Sports really needs to make him their agony of defeat guy.

Speaking of sports, we need some balls. Harry Baals.

The Harry Baals building. I hear the Harry Baals building has a really short elevator shaft, if you know what I mean. (Yeah, well, that’s why I’m not writing porn.)

The Deputy Mayor is right. Once you name that building after Hairy, uh, Harry Baals you are going to get no end of attention, just not the kind you’d like. Look no further than Beavis and Butthead for proof. (Remember how this blog started, people are stupid? I’m still on point.) I can’t link to it because there is no good copy on youtube, but remember how they tortured Harry Sachz? For Wayne doesn’t need that. If this were Detroit I’d say go for it, but what has Fort Wayne done to you?

PT Barnum once said “We are all, no doubt, born for a wise purpose.” After reading these stories, I prefer this quote often attributed to Alexander Hamilton: “The masses are asses.”

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