Tag Archives: John Newly

John Newly Is Shilling Some Stuff (Lying Awake #8)

10 Apr

April 10, 2015

ANNOUNCER: Lying Awake with John Newly will be back after these words from our sponsor

Hi, this is John Newly and I’m talking with my guest Kai Folger in what may or may not be a commercial since this spot is designed to mimic the sound and format of my talk show. Hmm, I may be violating some FCC rules here.  Kai, great to have you on.

-Hi John, always good to be here.

Now Kai, Carnischleppa has been called the miracle drug of the century. What is it?

– Carnischleppa is simply the world’s greatest plant extract. It’s a miracle cure for almost everything.

Kai, I have a list in front of me of literally tens of thousands of diseases your miracle Carnischleppa pills cure. I’m not allowed to read this on the air in America, but wow, the list is extensive. Is Carnischleppa really as good as you say it is?

– It is John.

Wow!

-There was a time when only the five richest kings of Europe could afford it. In fact, it was so scarce in America that the President had it personally airlifted to the White House by a crack team of commandos so he could try it.

That’s amazing!

– John, we guarantee that when you take Carnischleppa, you’ll get results. Now, I can’t guarantee what those results will be, but you will have results. Guaranteed!

Kai, before I end this hard hitting interview, tell my listeners how to get a free sample of Carnischleppa, the amazing miracle cure that I’ve extensively researched by reading the bogus claims on your website.

-Sure John. You can get your totally free sample of Carnischleppa by sending only $75 to cover postage and handling to Carnischleppa, Los Burritos California, OU812.

That’s a fantastic offer, but my listeners are very hard to convince. I understand you have a special offer tonight just for Lying Awake listeners.

-I do John. For tonight only, your listeners can get a second bottle of Carnischleppa miracle cure pills for only an additional $15, plus another $75 postage and handling.

You heard it here folks! Get your free bottle of Carnischleppa today. Thanks again to my guest, Kai Folger. Kai, I can’t wait to have you on again.

– Thank you John.

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John Newly Is Taking Calls (Lying Awake #7)

18 Mar

March 18, 2015

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– Ed from Michigan, you’re next on Lying Awake.

– John?

-Go ahead Ed, I’m listening.

– BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY STERN RULES BAB-*

– Hmm, Ed seemed to be talking in tongues. I wonder if he was possessed. Next up, Brad from New York. Hi Brad, how are you tonight?

– Uh, I’m ok. Um, I’ve got a question for John.

– I’m John, go ahead with your question.

– Well, what I want to know is, why don’t you stick your head up a dead bear’s -*

– Whoa, whoa. Eddie, who’s screening tonight? That’s Fast Eddie, my producer I’m talking to. No one?

(inaudible, off mic.)

– Seriously? Art used to do unscreened open lines all the time? Really?

(inaudible, off mic.)

– Alright, we have time for one more call before the break. Bob, from Bowie Maryland, you’re on Lying Awake.

– BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY HOWARD STERN!

– Sigh, we’ll be right back after these words from all natural herbal formic acid remedies.

– STERN RULES!

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