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Space Drama!

20 May

May 20, 2014

Space Drama!

A stage play of Space Suspense and Space Action! Set in Space!

The place: Spaceship XR-17, somewhere out in Space!

The time: The future, but not so far in the future that people have stopped wearing pants.

The characters:
Duke Spaceace, captain of the XR-17
Larry “The Cable Guy” Sputnik, a crewman
Robot the Robot, a robot that pretends he is not a robot. He isn’t fooling anyone
Commander Louie Mazola, an alien from the planet Merkin

space patrol 02

ACT ONE: On The Bridge

CAPTAIN SPACEACE is sitting in the captain’s chair. ROBOT is plugged into an outlet next to the refrigerator. Enter LARRY “THE CABLE GUY” SPUTNIK.

LARRY: Captain, I’ve fixed the space engine. The spaceship should be working A-Okay.

CAPTAIN: Good work, Larry. Hey, that’s a nice pair of pants.

LARRY: Thanks. I read somewhere that in the future people will stop wearing pants.

CAPTAIN: Get on the space phone and call Space Command. Tell then that the space engine is fixed and we’re ready to resume our space mission.

LARRY: I’ve been trying to call them for the last 15 space minutes but all I get is their space answering machine.

CAPTAIN: Flarking spleeznuts! Robot! Hey, Robot, get over here!

The ROBOT unplugs himself and walks over.

ROBOT: I keep telling you, I’m not a robot.

CAPTAIN: And I keep telling you, you have a zircon hyperzoid space computer where your liver should be. That’s a dead giveaway.

LARRY: Plus you’re made of plastic.

ROBOT: That’s a skin condition!

CAPTAIN: Whatever. Look, keep trying to call Space Command. If you get through, tell them we’re continuing on our space vector to planet Ernest Borgnine 9. If you can’t get through to an operator, press seven and just leave a message.

LARRY: I think their tape is full.

CAPTAIN: This is the 83rd century and they don’t even have a digital answering machine?


ACT TWO: In Deep Space

CAPTAIN: Space is sooo boring. Are we there yet?

LARRY: How do I know? Whenever I try to look out the window all I see is my own reflection.

CAPTAIN: I keep telling you, turn out the light and then look out the window. You’ll see fine. Hey, Robot!

LARRY: Captain, we really don’t-

CAPTAIN: Robot! Get over here. When are we getting to Ernest Borgnine 9?

ROBOT:  In about 8.129477476930 space hours, give or take .67838090 space minutes. (To himself): I’m not a robot, I’m just precise.

CAPTAIN: (To LARRY) See? That wasn’t so bad.

ROBOT: However, there are many variables to consider.

LARRY (shoots a nasty look at the Captain): Wanna bet?

ROBOT: First, this area of space is noted for its variable gravity fields, which could throw my calculation off by as much as .23%

CAPTAIN: Well, hey, that’s no big deal, why don’t we-

ROBOT: But also consider the third moon of the local binary star. It has been known to emit zeton radiation, which acts as a repelling force to our space engines.

CAPTAIN: I really don’t think-

ROBOT: There are also more local concerns, such as the mass of our cargo, which has shifted downwards .09% since the start of our journey, which can act to increase our speed.

CAPTAIN: So I say that-

ROBOT: But our biggest concern should be the fact that we are being held in a tractor beam emitted by the Merkin warship off our starboard bow.

CAPTAIN: Merkins! I have no use for them.


ACT THREE: In Communication With The Merkin Commander.

CAPTAIN DUKE SPACEACE is arguing with Merkin Commander Louie Mazola over the space video phone. The Merkin is very hairy.

MERKIN: You’ve got 10 space minutes to get your space junk out of Merkin space or we’ll blow you into little itty bitty space pieces.

CAPTAIN: Stop calling my ship space junk! I bought her new and she’s almost paid off.

MERKIN: Nah nah! XR-17 is a comet’s tail! Nah nah!

CAPTAIN: I’ve had enough. Say what you want about me but leave the XR-17 out of this. I named her after my girlfriend and I’m very sensitive about her.

LARRY: Your girlfriend is named XR-17?

CAPTAIN: Yes. You’ve never met her. She’s a model. And she’s rich. We’re going to get married.

MERKIN: Enough of this nonsense. Get out of here already!

ROBOT: Captain, I’ve finally gotten through to an operator at Space Command. It cost us 99 space cents per space minute, but I have new orders for us.

CAPTAIN: Talk to you later, Louie. (Shuts off the space video phone.)

MERKIN: Hey, wait a- (cut off as screen goes dark.)

CAPTAIN: What did they say?

ROBOT: Space Admiral Bobo wants us to reverse course and return to Earth. He says that there’s a problem with our warranty.

CAPTAIN: What warranty?

LARRY: When you upgraded the robot to Windows 72 you used a bootleg copy.

CAPTAIN: It was cheaper!

ROBOT: So that’s why I can’t download any updates!

LARRY: I thought you said you’re not a robot.

ROBOT: Yeah, yeah, whatever. (Storms off the bridge.)

CAPTAIN: Larry, tell the Merkin commander he wins. I didn’t want to go through his stupid space anyway.


EPILOGUE: (Just Like A Quinn Martin Production)

LARRY: We never did get to Ernest Borgnine 9.

CAPTAIN: No, but we got something better.

LARRY: What?

CAPTAIN: We got rid of the stupid robot. I sold him for scrap and bought some really cool decals for the ship. Look, this one’s an eagle!

LARRY: You know, these pants really are nice.







My Next TV Pitch

7 Aug

August 7, 2013

Last year I pitched my sure-fire, can’t-miss movie to Hollywood. Hamsterus, the touching story of a boy and his giant mutated hamster, was passed on by every studio in California, plus two in Argentina. Well, I don’t give up easily, so here is my next big Hollywood idea, a TV series that I am sure is going to be a hit. Here is the first part of my brief treatment of the first act of your new favorite show. Enjoy!


Act 1
Scene 1

Washington DC at night. Streets are deserted. A police car slowly drives through a rundown area, its spotlight picking out dark spots and bleak shadows. Suddenly the police car stops and the spotlight stays fixed on a group of garbage cans.

VOICE OF OFFICER ONE ON POLICE RADIO (crackle of static): We found him. I repeat, The President has been found.

Slow close up on garbage cans. Camera moves around cans to reveal a bum sleeping behind the cans, his clothes little more than rags, his face unshaven for weeks.

Two police officers get out of the car and walk toward the President.

OFFICER ONE: I am so tired of this. How does he keep getting away?

OFFICER TWO: I don’t care but this time they better give him a shower. I’m sick and tired of going home smelling like Presidential stank.

The officers pick him up and not-so-carefully drop him in the back of their squad car.


Act 1
Scene 2

The White House, the Oval Office.
REX MARGIN and LOLA SAMPLE are pacing the office, BRENDA SITSWELL sits behind the president’s desk with a can of wax.

BRENDA: I wish he’d stop carving his initials in the desk.

REX: I just wish he’s spell them right.

Two Secret Service agents enter the office, propping up PRESIDENT HOBO between them.

AGENT ONE: Look who’s back.

They drop him on the couch.

AGENT TWO: Timber!

REX MARGIN: Thanks fellas, take the rest of the night off. And don’t forget- this never happened.


REX: What?

AGENT ONE: This never happened again. Just like it never happened last week or three times last month.

LOLA SAMPLE: That’s enough officer, you’re dismissed.

The agents leave. LOLA, REX, and BRENDA gather around the couch, where PRESIDENT HOBO lays snoring and clutching an empty whiskey bottle.

REX: You guys know I didn’t vote for him, right?

president hobo

What do you think? It’s going to be huge, right? I can’t wait for this to go into production. Networks love political dramas, and this one is topical and has a dash of comedy. I know that after this, Hollywood execs will be lined up at my door. I can’t wait!

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