February 17, 2015
You know, breaking into Hollywood isn’t as easy as it looks. I had a great idea for a movie, the sci-fi family epic Hamsterus! Well that didn’t get me a deal with Spielberg. I have no idea why. What’s wrong with a touching film about the love between a young boy and his giant radioactive hamster? I don’t get it. So I set my sights a little lower and came up with the TV pitch President Hobo. Wouldn’t a show about a homeless President be a great fit with Scandal or Criminal Minds? For some reason no one else thought so. I even shopped around Murderchimp. I still don’t know what exactly I had planned for it, or even what a Murderchimp is, but even before I could set up a meeting my agent dumped me. But I went back to the drawing board. I don’t give up that easy, no matter how many people throw me out of their office.
I had another brilliant idea! Since movies and TV weren’t for me, I was going to single-handedly revive the art of Old Time Radio drama! Yes! I was going to bring about a new Golden Age of a medium that no one cares about anymore. I had it all planned out and I was going to start with a revival of The Shadow, my favorite show. In a nutshell, The Shadow is a bored rich guy who uses hypnosis to convince everyone he’s invisible. Perfect for radio- everyone’s invisible!
Problem is, those bastards at Conde Nast who own the rights served me with a cease and desist order. And after I had already written 275 scripts! Well, I’m nothing if not creative, so with a little smart editing I got rid of The Shadow and wrote in my totally new and completely unique character, El Kabong. I’m shopping it around now, but just to get some buzz going, here’s a sample.
THE SHADOW EL KABONG IN “THE PHANTOM GANGSTERS”
Mysterious music swells.
ANNOUNCER: The Shadow El Kabong, mysterious character who aids the forces of law and order, is in reality Lamont Cranston Louie Crandall, wealthy young man-about-town. Years ago in the Orient South, Lamont Louie learned the strange and hypnotic power that allowed him to cloud fog men’s minds so that they cannot see him. Lamont’s Louie’s companion, the lovely Margot Lane Margie Long, is the only one that knows to whom the voice of the invisible Shadow El Kabong belongs. Tonight’s drama: “The Phantom Gangsters.”
Isn’t that great? And totally original! Here’s an action scene:
EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh! Give it up, Phantom Gangsters! You have heard my mysterious laugh! I have you surrounded.
PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Surrounded? You’re only one guy, how can you have us surrounded?
PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: Yeah, and we can’t even see you. What are you, chicken? Too afraid to come out and face us man to man?
PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: That’s right, man to man to man! There’s two of us you know!
EL KABONG: I am not hiding. I am El Kabong!
PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: El Kabong!
PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Hey, I heard of this guy, he’s invisible or something.
EL KABONG: I may be invisible but I assure you my guitar is solid as a rock!
SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD
PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OW! HEY! Where’d that guitar come from?
ANOTHER SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD
PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: UGH! That hurt!
PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: How many guitars do you have, anyway?
EL KABONG: El Kabong has many guitars. The guitars of justice!
MORE SOUNDS OF GUITARS SMASHING OVER HEADS
PHANTOM GANGSTERS 1 and 2: We give up! We give up!
EL KABONG: Margie, call commissioner Walcott. Tell him he can collect the Phantom Gangsters, courtesy of El Kabong. Heheheheheheheh!
MARGIE: Yes El Kabong!
EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh!
PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Jeez, always with the laughing. What’s wrong with this guy?
YET ANOTHER GUITAR SMASH
PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OK! OK! You don’t have to be so touchy!
There you go! Spread the word! I’ll get The Shadow El Kabong on the radio any day now, I can feel it!