Tag Archives: Christopher Hewett

Snappy Answers to Stupid Newser Headlines February 2015

22 Feb


February 22, 2015

Hello again, devoted readers. (I’m talking to you, Randall from Austin Texas.) Time for more Snappy Answers, the blog feature which has been the subject of numerous accolades over the past months. Here’s just a sample:

“I look forward to your snappy answers blog because at least it’s better than when you try to write stories.” – BoredReader27
“Funny that you make fun of Newser when at least they have readers.” – getmoreinsurance.com
“Tolerable.” – your loving Aunt Matilda

With love like that, how can I stop?


Spoiled Monkey Named Couple’s Sole Heir. Ostracized pair say Chunmun is like son they never had.

I hate spoiled brats. Never have to work a day in their lives, get everything handed to them on a silver platter. I bet that monkey never had to earn a single banana in his life. I wonder what kind of people these are, because saying that a monkey is like the son they never had really doesn’t say much about them.


Fake Jackson Pollock? Software Lets You Know. And it goes to show how unique painter’s work is.

Don’t you hate it when this happens? You go to the store, and you see a beautiful painting in the Jackson Pollock section. You buy it, and when you get it home the neighborhood art critic tells you that it’s a fake. Happens all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bough fake Jackson Pollocks at the corner deli. Thank goodness there’s an app that can spot them. (I’m pretty sure they don’t come in six-packs, but they’re on sale at Wal-Mart this week and I have to know.)

ns2Lawmaker Blames Absence On Tight Underwear. “I find it difficult to sit for any length of time,” Says Canada’s Pat Martin.

This guy must be nuts. (Cue rim shot.)

For a view of the opposite problem, read about the time Christopher Hewett Belvedered right here.)

ns3‘Toxic Poopsicle’ Closes Indiana Exit Ramp. Tanker truck dumps up to 400 gallons of raw sewage on roadway- and then it froze.

Don’t you hate it when this happens? “Sorry boss, I can’t come to work today. The highway was shut down because of frozen raw sewage. No, I haven’t been drinking. No, this isn’t the worst excuse I ever had.”

But really, I just chose this article because of “poopsicle.”

ns4Beloved Clown Found In Sex Offender’s Home. It disappeared from amusement park years ago.

Do I really need to add anything? That picture speaks for itself.


The Man With The 140 Pound Scrotum: UPDATE

24 Jul

July 24, 2013

Last week, I brought you one of my favorite Imponderables, a story about Wesley Warren, who Belvedered and his testicles swelled, and swelled, and swelled some more, and ballooned up to 140 pounds. And in a twist worthy of Rod Serling, after he had them surgically removed, he was left with a one inch penis.



I can’t say I had much sympathy for the guy, after all, I was too busy laughing, but on the other hand, this really was a horrible, terrible condition, and I couldn’t fathom anyone going through what he went through.

And then I read this.


This is what passed for celebrity these days, I am sad to say. The man was worried he was going to miss the celebrity his 140 pound testicles brought him. Yes, he will miss being the freak with the giant balls who couldn’t walk more than thirty seconds because his inhuman nuts were too heavy.

I can only hope that he finds new celebrity as the man with the one inch penis. He may not love, sexual gratification, or dignity, but I sure hope this tool finds fame.


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