Tag Archives: monkey

Snappy Answers to Stupid Newser Headlines February 2015

22 Feb

 

February 22, 2015

Hello again, devoted readers. (I’m talking to you, Randall from Austin Texas.) Time for more Snappy Answers, the blog feature which has been the subject of numerous accolades over the past months. Here’s just a sample:

“I look forward to your snappy answers blog because at least it’s better than when you try to write stories.” – BoredReader27
“Funny that you make fun of Newser when at least they have readers.” – getmoreinsurance.com
“Tolerable.” – your loving Aunt Matilda

With love like that, how can I stop?

ns1

Spoiled Monkey Named Couple’s Sole Heir. Ostracized pair say Chunmun is like son they never had.

I hate spoiled brats. Never have to work a day in their lives, get everything handed to them on a silver platter. I bet that monkey never had to earn a single banana in his life. I wonder what kind of people these are, because saying that a monkey is like the son they never had really doesn’t say much about them.

ns5

Fake Jackson Pollock? Software Lets You Know. And it goes to show how unique painter’s work is.

Don’t you hate it when this happens? You go to the store, and you see a beautiful painting in the Jackson Pollock section. You buy it, and when you get it home the neighborhood art critic tells you that it’s a fake. Happens all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bough fake Jackson Pollocks at the corner deli. Thank goodness there’s an app that can spot them. (I’m pretty sure they don’t come in six-packs, but they’re on sale at Wal-Mart this week and I have to know.)

ns2Lawmaker Blames Absence On Tight Underwear. “I find it difficult to sit for any length of time,” Says Canada’s Pat Martin.

This guy must be nuts. (Cue rim shot.)

For a view of the opposite problem, read about the time Christopher Hewett Belvedered right here.)

ns3‘Toxic Poopsicle’ Closes Indiana Exit Ramp. Tanker truck dumps up to 400 gallons of raw sewage on roadway- and then it froze.

Don’t you hate it when this happens? “Sorry boss, I can’t come to work today. The highway was shut down because of frozen raw sewage. No, I haven’t been drinking. No, this isn’t the worst excuse I ever had.”

But really, I just chose this article because of “poopsicle.”

ns4Beloved Clown Found In Sex Offender’s Home. It disappeared from amusement park years ago.

Do I really need to add anything? That picture speaks for itself.

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The Saturday Comics: Monkeys in the Mail

2 Feb

February 2, 2015

cropped-sat-com-logo.jpg

Here’s a classic comic book ad I came across recently. Trust me, you’ll love it.

tiny dog ad

 

Of course, there is clearly a scam going on here. They are pretty desperate to get those snapshots, and not just for the “forty-nine cents and a few cents for our c.o.d. service plus postage.” And notice that the studio in the separate ad on the bottom of the page has virtually the same address as the main ad. So I can’t pin it down, but my Spidey-sense is definitely tingling.

Spidey-Monkey Sense

But this ad has maybe the best offer I ever saw. Better than Sea-Monkeys, better than x-ray specs, this is a real, live, miniature dog, the same kind Paris Hilton and the rest of the Hollywood airhead-types carry around in their purses. (BTW- think those dogs poop in there?) Or, and this is even better, A MONKEY! THROUGH THE MAIL! “Healthy and very intelligent.”

I said before this is a scam, and I can’t believe they’d send living critters in the mail “ENTIRELY AT MY EXPENSE,” and no, it isn’t clear who “MY” refers to.

But oh, to live in a world where young boys can get free monkeys in the mail! I can’t believe that every kid in America didn’t send in a coupon and break the world monkey market in the process.

 

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