Tag Archives: Chris Farley

It’s A Snuff Film!

20 May

May 20, 2016

This idea originated with my friend Marc and I way, way back. That’s why Chris Farley, who died almost 20 years ago, is in it. 

Interviewer Chop Hallipop: A typical Hollywood lightweight with a toothy grin.
Director Pierre D. Brody: First-time director, slightly pompous
Chris Farley: Rotund, stoned actor
David Hasslehoff (wearing Baywatch shorts and Knight Rider jacket): Pretty much himself

UNSEEN Dame Judi Dench
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VOICE OVER: Welcome to Movie News Now! Tonight, Lola O’Neil looks behind the scenes of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and gets some makeup tips from Leonardo. Flem Mercer is in the studio with part two of his interview with screen legend Jake Lloyd. But first, here’s Chop Hallipop sitting down with the stars and director of Killing Judi Dench, the controversial new film by Director Pierre D. Brody. Take it away Chop!

CHOP HALLIPOP: Thanks voice over! Ha ha! You’re great! (Looks into camera) Hi everyone, I’m Chop Hallipop. (Smiles) All of Hollywood is talking about the upcoming film Killing Judi Dench. We’ve got the inside scoop with the cast and director, right here in our Movie News Now! studio. Pierre D. Brody, you’re the director, producer, and writer. Is it true that this is a snuff film?

PIERRE D. BRODY: That’s right Chop. It’s a return to the good old days of filmmaking.

CHOP: For those of us who aren’t familiar, can you tell us what exactly a snuff film is?

PIERRE: Sure, Chop. A snuff film is actually a reality film, not unlike Big Brother or The Bachelor. In it, an actor gets murdered right on screen. We actually filmed the real murder of one of our cast!

CHOP: Wow, they never did that on The Bachelor!

PIERRE: I assure you, no one else would have the guts.

CHOP: (Looking at the camera, flashing his big toothy grin) One of the big mysteries surrounding this film is who actually gets killed. Pierre D. Brody, can you give us a scoop?

PIERRE: Sorry Chop, ha ha, I can’t give that away. You’ll just have to buy a ticket.

CHOP: Killing Judi Dench has a stellar, some would say killer, heh heh, cast, including Chris Farley, David Hasslehoff, and of course Dame Judi Dench. We have two of the stars right here with me on set. Chris, David, welcome to Movie News Now!

hoff

DAVID HASSLEHOFF: Thanks Chet.

CHRIS FARLEY: It’s a snuff film!

CHOP: I understand Judi Dench couldn’t be here tonight.

PIERRE: That’s right Chop. She has a prior commitment back in England and unfortunately won’t be joining us on this press tour. But she asked me to say how proud she was to be part of this production.

CHOP: David, let’s start with you. What attracted you to this film?

DAVID: Well Chet-

CHOP: Chop

DAVID: Chet, I was looking to do something I hadn’t done before. I wanted to stretch as an actor. And an onscreen real murder was too good to pass up.

CHOP: But weren’t you worried that you might end up getting killed? After all, Pierre wouldn’t reveal the victim to you until filming began.

CHRIS: It’s a snuff film!!!!!!

DAVID: Murder is something you always worry about as an actor.

PIERRE: I think that the fear of death is a powerful motivator, and it really came through onscreen. I have to give special credit to Judi. Her fear, her terror was palpable, right up till the end.

CHOP: I have to ask you again, who gets killed? Who is the victim of this snuff film?

PIERRE: I can only say that the audience won’t be disappointed.

CHOP: (Looking at the camera) Chris Farley, David Hasslehoff, and Dame Judi Dench star in Killing Judi Dench. I’d like to thank Director Pierre D. Brody, Chris Farley and David Hasslehoff for being here with me tonight. Find out who gets killed when Killing Judi Dench opens on June 18th.

 

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My Review of The New Cast of Dancing With The “Stars” September 2010. Ugh.

31 Aug

August 31, 2010

The new cast of Dancing with the Stars has been revealed and once again, ABC stretches the definition of “star” to the breaking point. If you thought last season “star” Kate Gosselin was bad, this season’s “stars” will make her look like, well, still like Kate Gosselin.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (Jersey Shore)
Does this guy have a head? I don’t know. In every shot he is pointing to his abs, which I must admit have a higher IQ than Snooki. Can we drop him into Afghanistan and stand him the same pose, showing the Taliban where to shoot?

Bristol Palin (Daughter Of Sarah Palin)
She is a star because she is an unwed pregnant teenage mom engaged to a total jerk. Were she not Sarah Palin’s daughter she’s be on the next Maury.

David Hasselhoff (Baywatch)
Hofftastic! The Hoff will Hoffer Dancing with the Hoffs his Hoffmazing skills on the Hoffloor. His Hofferific Hoffs Hoff Hoff Hoff Hoff Hoff.

OK, that's Chris Farley. But you seen Haselhoff lately?

Brandy (Singer)
Someone keep the brandy away from Hasselhoff! Oh, she’s a singer? Never mind.

Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing)
From imdb:
“The New Adventures of Old Christine” …. Tracey (1 episode, 2009)
 – Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Crazy (2009) TV episode …. Tracey
“Phineas and Ferb” …. Dr. Gevaarlijk / … (3 episodes, 2008-2009)
– Phineas and Ferb’s Quantum Boogaloo (2009) TV episode (voice) …. Librarian
– Hide and Seek/That Sinking Feeling (2009) TV episode (voice) …. Louisa Patel
– The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein/Oil on Candace (2008) TV episode (voice) …. Dr. Gevaarlijk
Keith (2008/I) …. Caroline
Redbelt (2008) …. Lucy Weiss

Yeah, she has time to do this show.

Michael Bolton (Singer)
As long as he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t sing we can all get through this.

Kurt Warner (Former NFL Player)
Rick Fox (Former NBA Player)
Athletes usually do well on this show. Kurt is a two time MVP and a Super Bowl MVP. Rick played on three NBA championship teams.

Make your own jokes, I’ve got nothing.

Florence Henderson (The Brady Bunch)

Margaret Cho (Comedian)
Margaret once had a television show called “All-American Girl.” I found this tidbit online, showing just how stupid network TV is:

“The show suffered criticism from within the U.S. East Asian community over its perception of stereotyping. Producers told Cho at different times during production both that she was “too Asian” and that she was “not Asian enough.” At one point during the course of the show, producers hired a coach to teach Cho how to “be more Asian.”

Kyle Massey (Rapper)
Kyle is 19 and works for the Disney channel. So in other words, expect to see him any number of shows, movies, and concerts churned out from the Disney boot camp. Remember- there was a time we hadn’t heard of Hannah Montana either.

Audrina Patridge (The Hills)
I don’t know what “The Hills” may be, but perhaps this picture will give some clue:

The Hills!

The 2010 cast gives you pause to reflect. Who could possibly make the 2011 cast? My money is on Ronald McDonald, your paperboy, and Mr. Blog.

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