Tag Archives: Allan Keyes

Fun With Teh Internets: DISCONTINUED MCDONALDS FOOD

16 Jul

July 16, 2012


Anyone else waiting for the McRib to come back? I actually follow the McDonalds Twitter just in hopes of seeing the announcement that it’s coming back “only for a limited time.” I know it’s probably as shady a sandwich as Krusty Burgers “Ribwich” 

or even this yummy sounding sandwich 

but there’s something about  that overly processed pork-like meat product drowned in overly tangy sauce, cooked to peak rubber texture,  and slapped on that bland potato bun that really sets my mouth watering. Serously.  How can you not love this thing? I mean look at it, it’s even shaped like a rack of ribs


Any product that involves injecting meat into shaped molds holds a dear place in my heart. But the McRib is a bit of an anomaly, usually when a burger fails, it’s never seen again, banished down the fast-food memory hole.  So I got to thinking….. (yeah, you see where this is going)

FUN WITH TEH INTERNETS:  DISCONTINUED MCDONALDS FOOD

Side note….when word started to get around that I was working on this, a regular to this blog contacted me and asked if he could add guest commentary, and I was only too happy to oblige him.

#5: Salad Shaker:

Never mind the salad, look at the tool advertising this lol!  He’s like the salad Fonzie….

#4: McLean Deluxe

Ah yes…..McDonalds’ attempt at a “diet” burger. When word got out it contained a small bit of seaweed (no, really) that kind of killed it straightaway. Besides, when we go to Mickey D’s……we don’t want healthy. Asshats.


#3: McPizza

 

And Italy weeps. Epic……EPIC fail. Clever use of the logo aside, the pizza never looked like this. The best comparison I can think of would be if you covered a small Styrofoam Frisbee with half-melted cheese. Instead of putting the local pizzeria competition or Pizza Hut out of business, it drove customers away as they flocked to get the real thing.

#2: McDLT

Let’s all say it together: HOT SIDE STAYS HOT! COLD SIDE STAYS COLD!  I’m pretty sure David Letterman got great mileage out of this one.  And I remember an old Yakov Smirnoff bit around this….”In Russia, cold side stays cold, and hot side stays cold also!” What’s ol’ Yakov up to now? Lets watch! 

The best thing about this burger, aside from the fantastic use of Styrofoam?  George Costanza makes  a fool out of himself:

#1: Hula Burger

First of all, it sounds like an old Polynesian Jew : Hula Berger.  That groaner aside, this was Ray Kroc’s attempt to capitalize on meatless Fridays, by offering a “burger” consisting of a slice of pineapple and American cheese.  Still, this was less over the top (though less laugh inducing) than Kroc’s other brainstorm of berating  his baseball team the San Diego Padres over the stadium public address system after a game (true story).

In the meantime, McDonalds continues to experiment with pineapple for some reason….

 

 

COMING NEXT WEEK: A special rant: “This Gentleman Needs to Have His Ass Kicked”

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mr. Blog Versus The Lolcats (Classic Angry Rebuttal Repost)

10 Jul

July 10, 2012

This post is almost exactly one-year old. I represent it here today in direct response to the post my brother Allan Keyes ran yesterday. For the record: I HATE THE LOLCATS!

From July 1, 2011

If there is anything about me that you have to know it is that I hate lolcats. Hate them! I hate them with a passion that most people usually only reserve for their summer school teacher or mother-in-law. I hate looking at them, I hate talking about them, I hate people who like them.

I can barely restrain my rage long enough to type this.

Those damn things are everywhere. It is like somebody’s 50-year old unmarried aunt took over the internet. “Oh look! How cute! The cat wants a cheeseburger! Silly kitty! Kitty-cats can’t eat cheeseburgers.” She then forwards it to everyone in her address book, including her nephew who deletes her messages unopened, all her book club friends, and her pen pal in Michigan, who calls her up later that night to tell her about the wonderful kitty picture she found in her mailbox.

Why do I hate them so much? It isn’t the pictures themselves as much as it is the mindset behind them. I can’t imagine who would find them so cute/funny/loveable. It has to be the same people who keep The Family Circus in business and I hate that too. (I also hate the illiteracy. Cats are usually personified as wise and aloof. Where did the lousy grammar come from?) There is a simplicity and purity about them that drives me nuts. Their wholesomeness only serves to feed something very dark in me. It is a visceral reaction. Very, very visceral.

So of course the lolcats came up in conversation with my brother. It was no accident. He knows what they do to me so he dropped them into a conversation just to hear the bile and venom in my voice, the growl as I started ranting “I hate those &$%^# things! HATE THEM!”

It went on from there. I can be quite eloquent when screaming in near-incoherent rage.

I finally wound down, caught my breath, and ended my side of the conversation with the eminently logical “I was here first!” Since I am old enough to remember rotary phones, LP’s, and my manners, not to mention a time before the internet, I felt pretty secure in my position.

Well, I was half right. Just not the half that counts.

Despite the fact that research into what would eventually become the internet reaches back as far as- yes, this is fact- the 1950’s, the world wide web as we know it didn’t pop into existence until the 1990’s and the first lolcat puked itself online in 2006. (Yes, I actually researched the damned things.) But the story doesn’t end there. I was shocked, awed, dismayed, and just plain flabbergasted, gobsmacked, and slobberknocked to find that the unfunny felines have a history dating back to… hold on for it…the 1870’s.

Yes, the lolcats are part of a tradition that stretches back 140 years.

1905, by Harry Whittier Frees

A very stupid tradition.

Time Magazine once stated that lolcats have “a distinctly old-school, early 1990s, Usenet feel to [them].” Old-school 1990’s? Go back to school, Time Magazine. In Britain, Harry Pointer was taking pictures of his cats and adding funny captions back in the 19th Century.

Thanks, Harry. You have a lot to answer for.

Taking a picture back then was a bit of work. You couldn’t just whip out your cell phone and snap a picture. Even a still life took a good deal of setting up of equipment. On top of that, who would then take the time to get the cats to stay still, let alone dressed, long enough to those pictures? What kind of lonely weirdos were those guys?

I can only imagine my great-great-grandfather looking at that daguerreotype and ripping it up in disgust.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →