Tag Archives: Allan Keyes

Spotlight: Allan Keyes- Fun With the Internets: News from Comic Con

30 Jul

July 30. 2012


Spotlight Week is here! All week we’ll be reading a variety of guest posts from some generous and creative people, all of whom have generously donated their time and efforts. I appreciate them all.

Starting us off is no stranger to The Tepid Ride, Mr. Allan Keyes. Mr. Keyes is my real-life brother and I  am very glad he’s taken a regular Monday gig here. He needs no further introduction, so here we go!

Anyone here play video games?  I’ve been a video game addict since I was a kid. I was playing games back when Pac- Man was single.  My current favorite is the Gears of War series. How could it not be? Look at the featured weapon:

                       

That’s right. It’s a high-powered assault rifle equipped with a chainsaw! Combine the killing power of a high-caliber weapon with the killing power of a buzzing chainsaw and this is what you get. How to describe the resulting instrument of gory, over-the-top violence? Royal diesel.  After all, who among us HASN’T wanted to create something like this?
 Thus affirming my belief that America is the greatest country in the world. We’re so well-armed that we can combine our weapons to maximize our destructive power in imaginative new ways. TAKE THAT CHINA!!!!

Anyway, I’ve been following the news from ComiCon, and there were several announcements of eagerly-awaited video game releases that I think are worth sharing with all you, even if you’re not quite as hardcore a gamer as me:

5) MAYHEM! MADNESS! MURDER! 

I think the title is a bit redundant though. I mean doesn’t mayhem usually follow naturally as a result of a rampage? I can attest that mayhem has indeed accompanied each of my rampages. Of course, my rampages have also been accompanied by getting tasered and then soiling myself in the ensuing convulsing, so let’s call it good.

Anyway, I like this game because it reminds me of an awful wrestler from back in the day – yes, he was a wrestling accountant:
 

This gentleman wrestled as Irwin R. Schyster.   Hey, IRS! Get it! GET IT!??! I’ll say this for Vince McMahon, he never made the mistake of being too subtle.  Of course, this is a perfect segue to the next high-profile release for Xbox:

4) WWF vs. WCW

 …..hey wait a minute. This isn’t new, it’s kind of old and busted. We’ve seen quite a few WWF vs. WCW releases over the years.  What’s the deal? Oh……………….not this WWF:
 

THIS WWF:

 

I gotta admit I like this one better. I think that panda can take the Hulkster (they both sport the same ‘stache and beard).  But this is a blatant rip-off of AWESOME FOX reality show Man vs. Beast: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_vs._Beast , a show that pitted men in feats of strength against champions of the animal kingdom.  Here is just one synopsis of the competitions held:

“A group of 44 dwarfs lost a race against an Asian elephant to see which could pull a commercial jet a certain distance first.”

And this is why you come to MR. BTR folks. There’s very few places on the net where you could ever hope to read about something like this. What drugs was the creator of that show on?? Who even thinks of having dwarfs challenge an elephant at anything!??!?!?  I’m drooling just reading those words. I MUST SEE IF THIS IS ON DVD ANYWHERE.  You don’t get quality TV like this anymore, though Hardcore Pawn comes close.

 

3)  Everything old is new again!

An old classic gets a facelift:

 

You all knew this was coming.  For classic game fans, this is also available as part of a GameStop-exclusive “Before and After” two-pack along with another updated classic:

  

2) Get Your Freak On!

Love the Kinect. It allows you to play your game by moving your body in the appropriate way. So I have to admit, this one is an absolute natural:

 

This game has several unique levels. You can master solo play, or get up for group mode, where you can play with up to 5 people. Sure to be an orgy of fun! (This game requires a special controller, which is sold separately in adult shops near you)

Did you know that this is not the first pornographic video game? Not by a longshot. I present to you Custer’s Revenge:

 

Good lord. Folks, this is real and was available for the Atari 2600! The video game industry was so new, Atari couldn’t keep 3rd-party pornsters from manufacturing for its system. Good times my friends, good times. Anyway, the “plot” of this game was pretty straightforward: Custer arose from the grave (in more ways than one) and got his “revenge” on those damned injuns by molesting a squaw while arrows rained around him. No, seriously:

 

How’d he get his pants off over his boots? I must say, this is the hottest use of pixels since I learned that I could use an upside-down calculator to spell the word boobs. Gameplay was easy: Custer earned points for each……thrust. Sometimes an arrow capped him and ended the level.  “Swedish Erotica” my a$$.  This is about as erotic as a pair of batwings:

 

 And the most exciting release announcement from Comic Con….(and maybe containing a few future spoilers):

1) Hitting Rock Bottom:

 

 

Nowhere to go but up, right?

 

UGH. Maybe not. Nevermind that loser with the cheeseburgers, I’m the one who suffers for his art.

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This Gentleman Needs to Get His Ass Kicked**: UNFUN WITH TEH INTERNETS

23 Jul

July 23, 2012

While compiling last week’s Fun With Teh Internets, I came across a story so annoying, so stupid, that just thinking about it really cheeses me off.

So what if I have not a single artistic bone in my body? My stick figures are crooked, I’m tone deaf, and I can’t fingerpaint correctly.  Even the elephants are more artistic than me http://www.elephantartgallery.com/  So what? At least I know art when I see it.

This is art:                     

This is art:

 

 This is art:

 

And even this is art (when done by your pre-schooler)

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen……this is most definitely NOT art:

http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20120705/upper-east-side/hamburglar-artist-throws-gnawed-cheeseburgers-at-people-from-bike

Before I even begin, I need to note the hilarity of this site putting the skepticism quotes around Hamburglar instead of artist.

Now let’s all just take a minute to let the breathtaking ass-hattery on display here sink in and make an impact:

This so-called “artist” throws partially-eaten cheeseburgers at people as he bikes on by.

Now I’m just a simple man with simple values, but THAT SURE AS F**K DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ART TO ME! 

Let’s dig in slightly further into this:

The bizarre performance art — “Second Deceit aka Free Cheeseburgers,” as the piece is formally called — kicked off at the McDonald‘s on Third Avenue near East 85th Street Tuesday morning, when Hill stocked up on 20 cheeseburgers for $32.44, bit a chunk out of each one, and re-wrapped them with Scotch tape.

Hill doesn’t even swallow the bites of cheeseburger that he takes, instead spitting the burger bits into a bag.

“It upsets my stomach,” he said of the burger.

You know what upsets my stomach? IDIOT HIPSTERS WHO THINK THEY’RE DEEP DOING STUPID SH*T LIKE THIS. I HATE HIPSTERS. I HATE HIPSTERS. GOD DO I HATE HIPSTERS. And they’re always wearing those !*$#!^@ porkpie hats like they’re so cool. Look you morons, porkpie hats are NOT cool. You know when the last time a porkpie hat was cool was?  THIS is when: 

The French Connection! AWESOME film!

Sorry guys, but it will be a cold day in hell before you’re even a third as cool as Popeye Doyle.  HE GOT SO BLIND  DRUNK HE ALLOWED A HOOKER TO CUFF HIM TO THE BED WITH HIS OWN COP CUFFS. That’s rolling hardcore my friends.

Anyway, back to this “artist”. This article helpfully provides a picture for me to mock: 

Leaving aside the stupid costume, let’s do a comparison. REAL man, and pretentious d-bag hipsters: 

REAL MAN

PRETENTIOUS D-BAG HIPSTERS

UGH. It’s like the beta-male exhibit in the monkey house. Now let’s try another experiment. Take the above and compare them to….

 

Draw your own conclusions.
Anyway, moving on….

A couple more choice excerpts:

This time, Hill said he wanted to “do the complete opposite and just be a villain.” He wanted his actions to be one of those “little things that messes up your whole day,” he said.

This is what art is now? Some jagoff just wanting to do something to mess up your day?  I don’t get it. He’s got time to bike around doing this (and other examples of a-hole art, from his web site, which I won’t even go into) – who has the time for this kind of garbage nowadays?? That said, he fails even at this. Something like this wouldn’t mess up my whole day. It would be a few seconds bother before I arrived at work and my boss chewed me out for whatever project I screwed up. Now THAT ruins my whole day.

Hill said he didn’t want to do the project in Harlem, where he lives, because he felt throwing burgers in a lower-income neighborhood would have different connotations than doing it on the Upper East Side, which is home to among New York City’s wealthiest zip codes. (He also tries to avoid throwing burgers to homeless people, he added.)

Heh……yeah, I bet he doesn’t want to do the project in Harlem. The “different” connotations would involve him running for his life. And instead of throwing ruined food at the homeless, why not give them some untainted burgers? YOU’RE RUINING FOOD WHILE PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY.  What a stupid, selfish coward.

Drivers, on the other hand, whizzing by his bike, often shout for a burger. Hill, however, is too afraid to give them anything. “I don’t want to do that because they can chase me down with their car,” he said

Oh man, that would be sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Yeah dude, please try these cars out:

 

I wish I had ANY of these cars, especially the one with the death laser. Oh man, I could have some fun with that. I’d never be stuck in traffic or have to look for a parking spot!

Anyway, here’s my favorite quote (taken from a Guardian write up of this dope)

Thursday night was Hill’s eighth performance in the series and he had a particularly despondent attitude towards the whole project: “No one’s really coming out to see it and the people who do see it don’t know what it is. It sort of feels kind of pointless in a way, doesn’t it?”

Pointless in a way? Buddy, IT IS POINTLESS IN EVERY WAY.  It’s as pointless as your life I imagine. But hey, if you’re feeling down about your art….. http://www.facebook.com/pages/a-very-rare-Mary-Worth-in-which-she-has-advised-a-friend-to-commit-suicide/103761656326275  (There’s a Simpson’s reference for everything!)

So this is what some people now consider art. I guarantee you 50 years from now, nobody will be flocking to museums to see the cheeseburger throwing exhibit. And if they do….well, watch out for me, because I’ll be there to break it all up with my laser car.

SIDE NOTE:  Not only was Popeye Doyle portrayed so awesomely by the great Gene Hackman, but he was also later played in a TV movie (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091780/)  by another of my favorite actors ever: …. Ed “Al Bundy” Oneill:

How awesome is that??!

** Not that I should have to, but it keeping with interweb etiquette, I have to note that I don’t actually endorse or advocate any violence against this guy.  He needs a good ass-kicking, but let’s all leave it to someone else to administer it, m’kay?

 

UPDATE: Added by express request of Mr. B……….I present Hipster Fat Guy!

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