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The Mad Toilet Bomber

10 Jul

July 10, 2013

I’m warning you, this post is gross and if you do not want to read about the disgusting things a disgusting person has been doing in the bathrooms in my office I suggest you go elsewhere. It’s a dirty story of a dirty man and I will- I must- be graphic.

May I suggest that this might be a good time to check out some pornography? If statistics are any indication, the average internet viewer is about to do just that.

Anyway, The Company I Am employed by is very professional. I work in a very professional office building in a very professional part of Long Island. I am on the top floor of that very professional office building, which is the part occupied by the most professional professionals. The top executives (of which I am not one, not even close) have their offices. Yet what has been going on in the very professional bathrooms is blatantly not professional. It is fucking disgusting. (Pardon my unprofessional French.)

Pretty much your standard bathroom, but WATCH OUT!

Pretty much your standard bathroom, but WATCH OUT!

For weeks, at various times of the day, I have entered the bathroom only to find that one of the stalls- and it can be any stall- has been rendered unusable by a very disgusting person. And when I say “unusable,” I do not mean that it is dirty or in any way describable by normal human standards. I mean that even a hyena in severe gastric distress would think twice before vomiting there. And this is the worst part- I am totally convinced that it is intentional.

If you wanted to render a toilet unusable, short of taking a sledgehammer and bludgeoning it into little porcelain shards, there is no more effective way of doing it than what this guy has been doing. Now bear in mind, I never took a long look at this, never had more than a quick glance as I passed by the offending stall, but even a fleeting glimpse was enough to burn it into my brain.

Plus it stunk to high heaven. Whoever is doing this must have some awful gastrointestinal issues.

First, this guy stuffs as much toilet paper as he can into the toilet, blocking it and stuffing it up. Then he takes the most unholy of all dumps right on top of it. If you are sticking with me this far, this next description probably won’t repulse you too much. What this man does on top of the toilet paper looks like he has taken hard, dry dog food- the lumpy kind- mixed it with water so that it made its own gravy and pours it almost to the very top of the bowl. If that came out of his bowels than I can only assume that he has very little time left to live.

Dry Water - Dog Formula

I’ve encountered this four or five times in the past couple of weeks. The only mystery is why the automatic toilets have not flushed. If they did, that gross crap would be all over the bathroom.

Does this guy have a beef with the janitor? And if this is not intentional, why isn’t this guy under strict medical care, or at least flushing more as he sits and shits?

This is easily the most disgusting thing I have seen in the bathroom, including the former coworker who used to stand at the urinal naked.

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Allan Keyes Presents A Trio Of Asshattery

1 Jul

 

July 1, 2013

keyes

Ever ask yourself “What if classic sculptures were dressed as hipsters? What would it look like?”  OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T. That’s because you’re normal. But some asshat with WAYYYYYYYY too much time on his hands did:

http://todayilearned.co.uk/2013/06/13/classical-sculptures-dressed-as-hipsters-look-contemporary-and-totally-badass/

….. there’s nothing I can say. I’m kind of dumbfounded here. On one hand, I gotta give props for the execution. On the other hand, I’d happily blow up the Parthenon to stop it if there was ever a glint of a chance this would be something that could happen in real life. I. HATE. HIPSTERS.

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In other news, you remember the Berenstain Bears right? Those boring Jewish bears that were the stars of scores of utterly banal and forgettable children’s books and stories? Did you ever think to yourself “You know, I kinda think that the Berenstain Bears reinforce negative stereotypes and serve to the dominant patriarchy. Is that crazy talk??”  Evidently not slugger:

http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/06/06/childrens-media-use-cuddly-animals-to-reinforce-racist-and-socially-dominant-norms-researcher-says/

It’s some egghead researcher’s opinions that children’s stories and cartoons serve as evil vessels to do things like “reproduces and confirms racist, colonial, consumerist, heteronormative, and patriarchal norms”

THE STUPID…..IT BURNS. IT BURNS! IT’S A F**KING CHILDREN’S BOOK!  I never read it as Horton Rapes a Who or Thomas the Tank Engine of Empire Expanding Destruction.  What really galls me is not so much that these living blood clots actually continue to get a paycheck, but that they actually continue to live. I mean really.

MR. BTR SAYS: Let us examine an academic quote from that  article: “Most animals portrayed in children’s books, songs and on clothing send a bad message, according to academics Nora Timmerman and Julia Ostertag: That animals only exist for human use, that humans are better than animals, that animals don’t have their own stories to tell, that it’s fine to “demean” them by cooing over their cuteness.”

1-  Humans ARE better than animals. Sorry, maybe that’s my human-centric bias showing, but I think I’d rather take a human being with me to a Rangers game than a wildebeest. You can’t high-five a wildebeest after a hat trick.

2-  Animals don’t have their own stories to tell? Maybe yes, maybe no, but you know what they don’t have? Vocal chords capable of forming words or speech centers in their brains in order to tell them.

3-  We demean animals by cooing over their cuteness? I’ve never heard one complain (see point 2) but more to the point, there are a lot of lonely teenagers staying home with their parents on prom night who’d love to be demeaned that way.

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Why do I torture myself by actually looking at these effing stupid things? Besides trolling for content that is.  Well, now that I’ve fully established myself as a masochist, lets bring the full awfulness home:

Japan- the land where they sell used schoolgirl panties in vending machines, and anime of otherworldly monsters and robots doing unspeakable things to teen girls dressed in sailor suits. Is there ANYTHING there that would surprise you?

Well yes, yes there is. Thank you for asking:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2013/jun/14/eyeball-licking-fetish-japanese-teenagers-sick

Yes. EYEBALL LICKING is a new fetish thing now. Where was this when we were kids? I mean, who wouldn’t have given their left and possibly right nuts to see Voltron crack out a giant robeast, kneel down, and lick his eyeball? I know I would’ve!!!

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