Allan Keyes Presents A Trio Of Asshattery

1 Jul


July 1, 2013


Ever ask yourself “What if classic sculptures were dressed as hipsters? What would it look like?”  OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T. That’s because you’re normal. But some asshat with WAYYYYYYYY too much time on his hands did:

….. there’s nothing I can say. I’m kind of dumbfounded here. On one hand, I gotta give props for the execution. On the other hand, I’d happily blow up the Parthenon to stop it if there was ever a glint of a chance this would be something that could happen in real life. I. HATE. HIPSTERS.


In other news, you remember the Berenstain Bears right? Those boring Jewish bears that were the stars of scores of utterly banal and forgettable children’s books and stories? Did you ever think to yourself “You know, I kinda think that the Berenstain Bears reinforce negative stereotypes and serve to the dominant patriarchy. Is that crazy talk??”  Evidently not slugger:

It’s some egghead researcher’s opinions that children’s stories and cartoons serve as evil vessels to do things like “reproduces and confirms racist, colonial, consumerist, heteronormative, and patriarchal norms”

THE STUPID…..IT BURNS. IT BURNS! IT’S A F**KING CHILDREN’S BOOK!  I never read it as Horton Rapes a Who or Thomas the Tank Engine of Empire Expanding Destruction.  What really galls me is not so much that these living blood clots actually continue to get a paycheck, but that they actually continue to live. I mean really.

MR. BTR SAYS: Let us examine an academic quote from that  article: “Most animals portrayed in children’s books, songs and on clothing send a bad message, according to academics Nora Timmerman and Julia Ostertag: That animals only exist for human use, that humans are better than animals, that animals don’t have their own stories to tell, that it’s fine to “demean” them by cooing over their cuteness.”

1-  Humans ARE better than animals. Sorry, maybe that’s my human-centric bias showing, but I think I’d rather take a human being with me to a Rangers game than a wildebeest. You can’t high-five a wildebeest after a hat trick.

2-  Animals don’t have their own stories to tell? Maybe yes, maybe no, but you know what they don’t have? Vocal chords capable of forming words or speech centers in their brains in order to tell them.

3-  We demean animals by cooing over their cuteness? I’ve never heard one complain (see point 2) but more to the point, there are a lot of lonely teenagers staying home with their parents on prom night who’d love to be demeaned that way.


Why do I torture myself by actually looking at these effing stupid things? Besides trolling for content that is.  Well, now that I’ve fully established myself as a masochist, lets bring the full awfulness home:

Japan- the land where they sell used schoolgirl panties in vending machines, and anime of otherworldly monsters and robots doing unspeakable things to teen girls dressed in sailor suits. Is there ANYTHING there that would surprise you?

Well yes, yes there is. Thank you for asking:

Yes. EYEBALL LICKING is a new fetish thing now. Where was this when we were kids? I mean, who wouldn’t have given their left and possibly right nuts to see Voltron crack out a giant robeast, kneel down, and lick his eyeball? I know I would’ve!!!


2 Responses to “Allan Keyes Presents A Trio Of Asshattery”

  1. T E Stazyk July 1, 2013 at 12:09 am #

    Well this pretty much ruined my day!

    With respect to the statues, they were bad enough but then I read some of the gushy comments. Get a life, people.

    Kiddie stories? The giveaway was that the article started “More than 7000 academics are gathered . . .” You know that trouble is brewing.

    As far as eyeball licking, why am I not surprised. But think about It for a minute. For this to have become a trend, a couple had to do it, and decide to TELL people about it. And then other people decided to do it too.

    So on that basis, how do you expect me to sustain my hope for the future of the human race?


    • bmj2k July 1, 2013 at 12:11 am #

      Wow, good points all. Meanwhile, I have been trying very, very hard to not think too much about the eyeball thing.


Have something to say? Let's hear it!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: