Tag Archives: stink

The Mad Toilet Bomber

10 Jul

July 10, 2013

I’m warning you, this post is gross and if you do not want to read about the disgusting things a disgusting person has been doing in the bathrooms in my office I suggest you go elsewhere. It’s a dirty story of a dirty man and I will- I must- be graphic.

May I suggest that this might be a good time to check out some pornography? If statistics are any indication, the average internet viewer is about to do just that.

Anyway, The Company I Am employed by is very professional. I work in a very professional office building in a very professional part of Long Island. I am on the top floor of that very professional office building, which is the part occupied by the most professional professionals. The top executives (of which I am not one, not even close) have their offices. Yet what has been going on in the very professional bathrooms is blatantly not professional. It is fucking disgusting. (Pardon my unprofessional French.)

Pretty much your standard bathroom, but WATCH OUT!

Pretty much your standard bathroom, but WATCH OUT!

For weeks, at various times of the day, I have entered the bathroom only to find that one of the stalls- and it can be any stall- has been rendered unusable by a very disgusting person. And when I say “unusable,” I do not mean that it is dirty or in any way describable by normal human standards. I mean that even a hyena in severe gastric distress would think twice before vomiting there. And this is the worst part- I am totally convinced that it is intentional.

If you wanted to render a toilet unusable, short of taking a sledgehammer and bludgeoning it into little porcelain shards, there is no more effective way of doing it than what this guy has been doing. Now bear in mind, I never took a long look at this, never had more than a quick glance as I passed by the offending stall, but even a fleeting glimpse was enough to burn it into my brain.

Plus it stunk to high heaven. Whoever is doing this must have some awful gastrointestinal issues.

First, this guy stuffs as much toilet paper as he can into the toilet, blocking it and stuffing it up. Then he takes the most unholy of all dumps right on top of it. If you are sticking with me this far, this next description probably won’t repulse you too much. What this man does on top of the toilet paper looks like he has taken hard, dry dog food- the lumpy kind- mixed it with water so that it made its own gravy and pours it almost to the very top of the bowl. If that came out of his bowels than I can only assume that he has very little time left to live.

Dry Water - Dog Formula

I’ve encountered this four or five times in the past couple of weeks. The only mystery is why the automatic toilets have not flushed. If they did, that gross crap would be all over the bathroom.

Does this guy have a beef with the janitor? And if this is not intentional, why isn’t this guy under strict medical care, or at least flushing more as he sits and shits?

This is easily the most disgusting thing I have seen in the bathroom, including the former coworker who used to stand at the urinal naked.

Eddie Part Three: The End of Eddie

17 Jan

January 17, 2013

(Smelly People I Have Known Part 5)

Despite the impression I may have given, Eddie was not long for the store. He was barely there two weeks. Eddie, however, left a long impression on the store. It took a long time to forget him, especially the way he left.

For whatever reason, Eddie had been saying from the first day he started that if he did not get paid $2,000 he was quitting. That was the ray of hope in my life because no way was a part-time minimum-wage employee going to get a paycheck for that much money. The easy thing to say is that he should have done the math. There was no way he could possibly come up with $2,000, but I think the hardest math Eddie was capable of was “I only have one sock on today, how many socks am I wearing?” And I am not confident that he would always get the correct answer, in part becuase he did not always wear socks.


Eddie started on a Monday and Friday was payday. That is, for everyone else but the new hires. When you get a paycheck it is for the week before so Eddie and the others had to wait for their second Friday to get paid. (I once had a part-time job where, due to a payroll error, I didn’t get paid for four weeks. That was total misery.) Eddie did not understand the concept. It was Friday, Friday was payday, so he should get paid. No matter how much the bosses tried to explain to him that he hasn’t even worked an entire week, Eddie was angry- ANGRY! AND YELLING!- that he was getting ripped off, this was not right, not fair, etc. etc. etc. Somehow they calmed him down and he, in a very surly way, told them that if they were lying and he did not get paid next week there would be trouble.

Next week came and luckily Eddie got paid.
The bad news? He did not get $2,000.

Saw all this for myself.

The paychecks came in and most of us were gathered by the side office to get our checks. It may sound like lemming behavior but many of us carpooled together to the bank on our lunch hours, hence the crowd.

Eddie got his check and examined it minutely. Literally. He held it close to his eyes and squinted at it. He held it up to the light and studied it. He looked on the back, he looked on the front, he pulled off the perforated part and put that through the same scrutiny. So what was the problem?  His paycheck was only for $131.

This was not in the back by the break room, it was not in the stock area, this was all happening in the front of the store, by the registers, near the front windows, and in full view of all the customers. He yelled “no, no, NO, NO, NO!!!” and marched to the front office and demanded to see Brian, the manager who gave him the check.

Brian wasn’t there but the manager who was wanted no part of Eddie. Brian had, just a second or two ahead of Eddie, left the store to go to lunch and the manager told Eddie he’d have to wait for Brian to come back. Eddie was not about to wait. He glanced out the window and saw Brian walking through the parking lot. Eddie ran after him and caught up and grabbed him by the shirt. Brian spun around and (I am going on a combination of lip-reading and common sense) and said “what the fuck are you doing!” Eddie repeatedly pointed to his paycheck and said something like “this isn’t enough money-“ before Brian yelled “get the fuck back to the store!” and very angrily pointed to the building.

Eddie came back in, muttering to himself. I picked up things like “they are stealing from me,” and “this isn’t right.” He got his jacket from the back and that was the last I ever saw of him.

Eventually the rest of new hires wore out their welcome as well, and we never saw the likes of them again, at least not until Carolyn started hiring her relatives.


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