Archive | 11:12 pm

Film Review: After Earth (2013) by Captain Pigheart

19 Jun

I’ve reblogged this from Captain Pigheart because not only is it absolutely hysterical, it is also far better than I could have done, especially when you consider that I have not seen the film. I urge you to click the link and follow Captain Pigheart for great movie reviews, fiction, pirate tales, and much more Lego than you’d expect from a man who has achieved the rank of Captain. Before I turn you over to the Captain, I urge you to A- follow his blog and B- think twice before you see any film with Jaden Smith. Ask yourself this- do YOU want to be responsible for making him a movie star? I think not.

Captain Pigheart

I’m really torn about whether to write this review or not. It’s scarcely worth wasting words on, and yet they feel like they need to be extracted from my brain. I also keep hearing “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. But that’s total bollocks of course, it’s exactly that anodyne mentality which permits others to be racist and do terrible things to one another: I don’t have anything nice to say about Mr David Cameron so I’ll say nothing about his selfish bullshit lies and political destruction of our economy, freedoms and infrastructure. Or I can just call him a monstrous twat and move on.

Ah, we seem to have begun this review without intending to. Judge me then by my actions.
After Earth is the freshly excreted crappuloid effort of director M. Night Shyamalan. In his defence (or to at least…

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Radio Transcript of the Uncle Bosco Show, June 19th, 1946

19 Jun

June 19, 2013

CARNIVAL MUSIC SWELLS

ANNOUNCER: Hey kids, are you ready? Then stand up and clap for THE UNLCE BOSCO SHOW!

KIDS CLAPPING AND CHEERING

ANNOUNCER: Yes, that’s right, it’s time for Uncle Bosco and all his friends!  Captain Danny, Skinny, and even Sneaky the Pirate! And Aunt Pickle will be stopping by! Wow, I hope she brought one of her famous pickle pies!

KIDS CLAPPING AND CHEERING MORE LOUDLY

ANNOUNCER: But first kids, run into the kitchen and get yourself a big glass of chocolate milk made with BOSCO chocolate milk amplifier syrup! You know, the kind you ask your mom to buy every week? Because it is BOSC-OOOOH so good!

bosco

KIDS CHEERING

ANNOUNCER:  And now here he is- UNCLE BOSCO!

CARNIVAL MUSIC SWELLS

UNCLE BOSCO: Hiya kids! (pause for cheers) Today we are going on a trip to the highest mountain in the world, Mt. Tall Top! (pause for cheers) We’re going to search for the very rare BLOOP-BLOOP BIRD! Now who wants to go with me?

KIDS: Me! Me! Yay! Etc.

Uncle Bosco: Hey, look at that, I guess everyone wants to ride in Uncle Bosco’s super buzz-plane! But I see one little boy in the front row wearing his Uncle Bosco pin, which he got with only 5 tops from cans of Bosco chocolate milk amplifier syrup! Skinny, why don’t you bring him up here with me?

Skinny: Yes sir Uncle Bosco! Yippee this is a lucky boy!

Uncle Bosco: You bet he is!

Skinny: He doesn’t want to come on stage, Uncle Bosco!

Uncle Bosco: Sure he does, just take his arm and bring him –
(interrupting) Skinny: OW! He bit me!

Uncle Bosco: Now now son, settle down and-
(interrupting ) Skinny: He’s kicking me!

ANNOUNCER: Say, I think we’ll find another young Bosco-teer right after we take this commercial break for Bosco!

Uncle Bosco: That’s right, Bosco, the chocolate milk amplifier syrup that makes milk chocolaty! Swell kids all over your town are enjoying- hey!

Skinny: He’s LOOSE! THE KID IS LOOSE!

Uncle Bosco: Now kid, give Uncle Bosco back his script…

(off mic) Aunt Pickle: Where’d he go? Where’d he go?

KIDS YELLING AND SCREAMING, SOUNDS OF CHAIRS BEING KNOCKED OVER

(off mic) UNKNOWN VOICE: Kill the show, throw it to news! Kill the show!

CARNIVAL MUSIC SWELLS

ANNOUNCER: The Uncle Bosco Show was brought to you- OW! He’s under my desk! He’s biting me!

(off mic) Aunt Pickle: He’s in the control room!

(off mic) UNKNOWN VOICE: Shut it down now!

 

STATIC

Bosco2

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