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Spotlight: A Response To Allan Keyes

4 Aug

August 4, 2012

“No Mr. Keyes, You Are Not Funny”

Dear Sirs-

It has come to my attention that you have been getting quite the mileage out of an unfortunate photo that was taken of me and posted on the internet without my knowledge or consent.

You see Mr. Keyes, I am indeed the gentleman that you and your cohort “Mr. Blog” (such a pathetic nom de plume) have repeatedly and cruelly labeled as “fat guy eating cheeseburger.”  For the record – not that you and your publisher care – my real name is Norman Snackmunch, and I do not appreciate having that out of-context photo being constantly used to deride and degrade me.

Sir, in my day I have played to great praise in many of Shakespeare’s plays.  Enclosed is a photo of me in my acclaimed role of Falstaff, a role that I played on the stage of the Old Vic itself!  Would that you print that instead of the humiliating picture snapped of me in my weakest moment!  I have several doctorates, am an ordained minister, and have been the recipient of the Elks Lodge Humanitarian of the Year award multiple times. But to you and your few uninformed readers, I am merely an overweight gentleman stuffing myself that is appropriate to be made sport of. How dare you!

I wish to educate you Mr. Keyes, as to just how that picture came to be.  I was naturally disheveled at the time, as I had just spent the previous three and a half days in a creative frenzy finishing my 15th sonata (seven of my previous 14 had been performed on stage, accompanied by no less a personage than Pavarotti himself!) As is my custom, when I create, I am so single-minded that I forego eating and sleeping.  So naturally, when I finished the final glissando, I realized how ravenously hungry I was. My problem was compounded because my wife Beatrix, deeply involved in a project of her own (she edits the New England Journal of Medicine) had neglected the shopping.

I ventured from my townhouse to find sustenance, but at that hour of the night, the only establishment open was the local Fuddruckers. And unfortunately, a hamburger eating contest was about to start. I was walking to the counter, fully intending to make my order and leave, when the emcee of the event noticed my advanced poundage, and cruelly goaded me into participating.

Mr. Keyes, it was not my intent to compete. But the emcee called me out in some of the vilest manners! One particular barb that rankled was his assessment of me as being “all hat, no cattle” when I repeatedly refused to join in– well dammit, I have my pride sir!  I entered, resolved to teach that blaggard a lesson, when at that fateful and unfortunate moment, some person unknown to me snapped that now infamous photo of me and posted it on Google.  Needless to say, the fact that I triumphed in the contest has turned into quite the pyric victory for me, even despite the stylish championship belt that was my prize.

The aftermath has been both personally and professionally awful for me. When Beatrix travels to conferences, jokers plaster her room with pictures of me. In one of them someone photoshopped  a porkpie hat onto my head! As if I would ever wear such a silly article of clothing! Had I ever donned one, even in jest, my haberdasher Mr. Detwiler would discontinue accepting my trade. Mr. Keyes sir, you may meddle with me if you so choose, but mark my words sir, you dare not interfere with my continued access to Mr. Detweiler’s homburgs!

Everywhere I go, the public taunts me, thanks to you. Even on campus, on my way to lecture my advanced calculus students, people yell things at me such as “Hey fat guy, way to go!” and “Hey fat guy, how did that burger taste?”  And most often of all “Hey, fat guy! That Allen Keyes sure is funny!”

No Mr. Keyes, you are not funny.  You are most definitely unfunny (Beatrix concurs, though for some unfathomable reason she did enjoy something called “Hollywood Russell” that she saw on this web site).  It is my fervent hope that now I have enlightened you as to your error, that you and your supervisor “Mr. Blog” refrain from using that photograph in the future.

Thank you for your time.

Signed,

 Norman Snackmunch, Ph.D. 

PS- I find the grammar and spelling content of your weblog – your entries in particular – to be appalling. The only thing worse than your grammar is the quality of your Photoshop work.

 

****

 

By way of apology, Mr. BTR presents:  Fat Guy Eating Hamburger Wearing Homburger:

 

In case you were wondering, this has been

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31 Responses to “Spotlight: A Response To Allan Keyes”

  1. zathra August 4, 2012 at 1:14 am #

    Norman Snackmunch – The Meme Strikes Back ( Return of the Meme ? ), Wrath of Norman ?

    Like

  2. The Hook August 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    There is so much love out there in the world, right?

    Like

  3. bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 6:37 pm #

    I hated the name Norman Snackmunch. Keyes and I argued about it but in the end I had no better idea. And either it grew on me or he was right all along but I really like the name now.

    And my idea for the name? Han Berger.

    Like

    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

      Norman Snackmunch, newest companion for The Doctor !! Never mind that most of The Doctor’s companions have been female. He needs a fez rather than a homberg hat, because – Fezzes are cool.

      Excuse me, I’ve been watching a bunch of Doctor Who specials on BBC America lately.. 😉

      Like

      • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

        Like the idea! (And I’m eagerly awaiting Asylum of the Daleks.)

        Like

        • zathra August 4, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

          & he could use a scarf, as an homage to the Fourth Doctor. 😀 & jelly babies.
          Bless BBC America !!
          I liked the Churchhill Daleks, but thought for a moment that it was a situation similar to the Cybus Cybermen.

          Like

          • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 7:08 pm #

            I loved the Daleks in that story because they harkened back to the cunning and conniving Troughton-era Daleks, particularly Power of the Daleks. But once we got the space-faring Spitfires the episode plummeted downhill for me. (Troughton, in my book, was far and away the best Doctor with the best companions. Tom Baker is right behind.)

            Like

            • zathra August 4, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

              The Ironside Daleks – I wonder HOW Churchhill came across them. They had the new Daleks – Red, Blue, Yellow, they look like condiment bottles or crayons. I called them ” Crayola Daleks “.
              The upcoming Matt Smith episodes, from the previews that I’ve seen, look like Grant Morrison ( Doom Patrol ) had a go at writing for DW.

              Like

              • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

                Am I mistaken or did Morrison write for the DW comic in the 80’s?

                Like

                • zathra August 4, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

                  I think Neil Gaiman did, or at least was approached to do so. I had a hardback compilation of DW comics & fan things somewhere. I’ve lost track.

                  Like

                  • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 7:58 pm #

                    Tracked it down:
                    http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Grant_Morrison's_Doctor_Who

                    Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

                      Interesting. Morrison with the Doom Patrol was like the author Alfred Bester ( The Stars My Destination ). Somewhat surreal.

                      Like

                    • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

                      I like Morrison but some of his stuff, like The Invisibles was too much for me.

                      Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

                      Like if Salvador Dali or Picasso wrote instead of painted, perhaps ?

                      Like

                    • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

                      Hmmm. Perhaps.

                      Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

                      I’d love to see Harlan Ellison do a spec script, but he’s a bit less than enamored of writing for TV after his experience writing for Star Trek, & writing a movie script using Isaac Asimov’s script, & botching his concepts.

                      Like

                    • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

                      Yep. And he never got around to that B5 script.

                      Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

                      Harlan Ellison had an idea to bring back the android Trent from ” Demon With a Glass Hand ” in B5, yes. I would love to see ” Demon ” as a big screen feature, if they didn’t make an unwatchable mess out of it. & they should hire an actor who at least RESEMBLES Robert Culp. Not an action hero type.

                      Like

            • zathra August 4, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

              & Tom Baker & Sylvester McCoy are both great. Paul Mcgann should’ve regenerated into Christopher Eccleston.

              Crayola Daleks – EXTERMINATE THEM !! They’ve always had a military look, now they look iDaleks designed by Stephen Jobs. 😉

              Like

              • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

                While I don’t the McCoy-era writing, and hated Ace and Mel, I did like McCoy himself.

                Like

                • zathra August 4, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

                  Sylvester McCoy reminds me ( now ) of David McCallum in his role as ” Ducky Mallard ” on ” NCIS “. It’s uncanny. Mel was ANNOYING. One of my favorite episodes was ” Pyramids of Mars ” from the Tom Baker era, because I also like ancient Egyptian things.

                  Like

                  • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 7:59 pm #

                    The Gothic Who era was amazing- Pyramimds, Talons of Weng Chiang, Seeds of Doom, even Robots of Death, and not quite that era,a but the all time best, City of Death.
                    Good point about McCallum, I can totally see it.

                    Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 8:17 pm #

                      I also liked the episode w / Colin Baker where Davros was operating out of a mortuary / cryonics facility for the elite of the galaxy. The humans who weren’t turned into a new breed of Dalek were recycled into someting like Soylent Green.
                      McCallum & McCoy – separated at birth ? 😉

                      Like

                    • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 8:21 pm #

                      Can’t say I liked a single Colin Baker episode except The Two Doctors (because of Troughton and Frazer Hines). However, Big Finish found a way of writing him in which I can actually stand, in fact even like, his audios.

                      Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

                      Colin Baker wasn’t given much of a choice in either that God – awful outfit, or his characterization of the Doctor. I’ve read up on him, he was given the crappy end of the stick. 1 of the producers was shtupping his ex – wife, & he treated C. Baker like dirt just to be a d**k. So there’s more beneath the surface.

                      Like

                    • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

                      True, he was not given a fair shot. Plue he was firmly in the John Nathan-Turner era of the show, and if one man is responsible for ruining Who, it was him.

                      Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

                      Moffat had to resuscitate it. Think it’s reasonably good so far.
                      But John Nathan Turner was just being petty towards Colin Baker.
                      Tom Baker was perhaps the most popular ( to Americans ) Doctor & yet he treated his co – stars, etc., like cow flop, & was a miserable guy, & Colin Baker’s Doctor was irritable, pompous, egotistical & dressed like he stole Joseph’s Technicolor Dreamcoat, ;)but yet, a lot of people familiar w / him say he’s a great guy. Go figure…..

                      Like

                    • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

                      I have issues with modern Who, especially the writing in the modern era, but I generally give the new series major props.

                      Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

                      It’s not perfect, but a lot of people weren’t exactly crazy in love with Star Trek : TNG either. For one thing the Enterprise D looked like a flying Ritz Carlton or ” LOVE BOAT – The 24th Century. “.

                      The ” New Who ” seems to have forgotten some ( not all ) of its heritage, in terms of the Classic Doctors. When Elizabeth Sladen guest – starred that one episode, I was frankly delighted ! Her spin – off, Sarah Jane Adventures, was mostly for teen & ‘tween viewers.

                      Like

                    • bmj2k August 4, 2012 at 10:06 pm #

                      I’m not the biggest fan of ST:TNG either but that’s another story.
                      As for Who, whent the Daleks invaded and Sarah, Martha, Jack, etc, got together, that was the PERFECT chance for old series cameos. Ian, Barbara, Ben, Polly, Benton, Yates, Liz, and more, should all be alive and could have had at least a cameo. They at least mentioned some of them in SJA.

                      Like

                    • zathra August 4, 2012 at 10:17 pm #

                      ” New ” Who fumbled the ball there. ” Class Reunion ” with Tennant mentioned some of the original adventures that Sarah Jane had in classic Who.

                      I even saw a Youtube presentation where some webcam maven compared the ” Pyramids of Mars ” episode of classic Who to Stargate, both the movie & the series.
                      I still think that Cliff Simon / Baal from SG1 w / be a NATURAL to play The Master if they brought the character back. Killing off The Master was a mistake equal to killing off the Joker in Tim Burton’s Batman.Some villains are too good to kill off.

                      Like

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