As a former English guy (teacher, not Briton) I tend to be sensitive about grammar and punctuation, which is why I play fast and loose with it in my posts. You see, you have to know grammar in order to get away with screwing around with it. That is the difference between being an intellectual and being an idiot, but no one seems to agree which side of that divide I fall on.
At any rate, I get bugged when I see bad or ignorant use of the English language. So the other day I was looking up something online and I came across the website of radio station WFAN, New York’s pretentious sports talk station. They had a sidebar of reporter bios, and this one caught my eye.
My first thought was “why would the Yankees beat up a reporter?” My second thought was that some punctuation can really change the intent of that blurb.
Quotation marks are totally mis-used. How many times do you see signs that say We will be “closed” on Sunday? Did you wonder if maybe they will really be open on Sunday? You never use quotation marks for emphasis, you use it for direct quotes or, as is more fun, to cast doubt. Does Sweeny Murti really have insights? Or is it just some silly rambling nonsense? The quotation marks make me think the later.
Now I don’t even believe he is a reporter. Who is this Murti guy, some clown off the street?
But it isn’t just quotation marks that can be used to insult and cast aspersions. Take the question mark, for example. Start with this:And just add punctuation!
A smarter take? Doubtful!
But if you insist on using quotation marks you can accomplish the same thing.
And here’s another one:
Let’s use punctuation to screw with Neil.
Yeah, “fan” my sweet Aunt Fanny. This guy isn’t a fan.
Go ahead, try it yourself! Now that you know how to use proper punctuation to insult, there is a whole new world of nasty out there for you. Enjoy!
Dancing with the Stars is the most misnamed show in America. Has there ever been a real star on there? OK, so maybe Celebrity Apprentice is just as bad, but at least there is one real star on that show- Donald Trump. This show has Tom Bergeron. He’s likeable enough, and funny, but hardly a marquee draw.
This time around Dancing with the Stars has me wondering what it takes to be a star. Case in point:
Chaz Bono
The former Chastity Bono, he (which is how she wants to be known) is a star for two reasons. Famous parents and a sex change operation. That’s it. I have nothing against Chaz, nor do I have anything against a transgender competitor. But what has Chaz done on his own to make him a star? Nothing that I can tell. But I do think Chaz is more of a “star” than the next dancer.
Rob Kardashian
Who? Who? Who? Does anyone have any idea who this guy is? We know the Kardashian sisters. There’s Kim, the sexy one, there’s Kourtney, the cute one, and then there’s Khloe, who for some reason no one wants to admit is big and thick. (Not that is necessarily bad, look at Jordin Sparks, very attractive.) Khloe is easily the least attractive sister. And I’ll go there- in some pictures she is just ugly. And now there is this Rob guy, who is supposed to be their brother. Who cares? His parents didn’t even care enough to give a name that starts with a “K.” Either that or they were too stupid to think of Kevin, and if you’ve seen their show that may be true.
See?
Hope Solo
She is a major athlete. Seriously, she is! Oh, I see the problem, she is on the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. That’s why you don’t know her. No offense, but the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team is lower profile than the WNBA, and I am not even sure that still exists.
Popular Solos
Elisabetta Canalis
I’ll let the internet handle this:
She may be tabloid fodder for being George Clooney’s ex, but the gorgeous model-actress is a famous TV and film personality in her native Italy.
Wait a minute, is this the Italian version of Dancing with the Stars? Nope. So I guess she is here because of this:
And now take a good look at this.
J.R. Martinez
This is the man I am rooting for.
He didn’t always look this way.
From wiki: Jose Rene Martinez (born June 14, 1983) is an American actor, motivational speaker and retired U.S. Army. In 2003, J.R. experienced severe burns to over 40 percent of his body while serving as a United States Army infantryman in Iraq. After a long and difficult recovery, J.R. spends his time traveling the country extensively in his role as a spokesman and motivational speaker. J.R. has played the role of Brot Monroe in ABC’s daytime drama All My Children since November 7, 2008.
Think about it. After all he went through he went into acting. Acting. The Most Superficial, Appearance Driven, Only Based On Looks Career There Is. THAT takes courage.
And they had the nerve to put George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend on the same show and call them both “Stars.” Screw them.
Carson Kressley
Probably the first person on this list who can lay legitimate claim to being a star, albeit a totally annoying one. He was the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy guy that nobody liked regardless of sexuality. So I guess we owe him a debt of thanks. He showed the world that it is OK to hate a gay man as long as you hate him for his jerkiness and not his homosexuality.
Kristin Cavallari
Another one I had to look up. Here is all you need to know.
Chynna Phillips
Sort of the anti-Chaz Bono, Chynna has a famous pedigree but made a name for herself with the group Wilson Phillips and some acting.
This is how we remember her. Keep this image in mind when you see her on TV now.
Nancy Grace
Because nothing screams poise and elegance like Nancy Grace.
Ricki Lake
I really want to say something bad about her but I can’t. The worst I can say is that is that she embodies the old saying “jack of all trades, master of none.” She does some acting but isn’t that great an actress, she had a long running talk show but it wasn’t a tough job, it was closer to Jerry Springer than Oprah, and she has done a little game show hosting and producing. I know I said I couldn’t say anything bad about her but I guess I could say mediocre things. But at any rate, I like her. I’m just not sure why.
David Arquette
Arguably the biggest name here, and winning that argument is no big accomplishment, he is best known for being dumped by Courtney Cox, but to some of us, he is best known as THE WORST WCW CHAMPION EVER.
Yes, this is real. He was a WCW Wrestler.
Ron Artest
He’s a basketball player and I am not a basketball fan. However, I do know that he is changing his name to Metta World Peace, an odd choice considering that he was a major player in the The Malice at the Palace brawl, an altercation between the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers on November 19, 2004. It resulted in nine players being suspended without pay for a total of 146 games, which led to $10 million in salary being lost by the players. Five players were also charged with assault, and all five of them were eventually sentenced to a year on probation and community service. Five fans also faced criminal charges and were banned from attending Pistons home games for life. Artest was the most heavily fined player. He ran into the stands and attacked an innocent fan.
And there you have it. Next season, expect more stars like Mugsy Bowes, the guy who clogged the toilet at the gas station, and a random name from the Indiana phone book.
My first thought was “why would the Yankees beat up a reporter?” My second thought was that some punctuation can really change the intent of that blurb.
Quotation marks are totally mis-used. How many times do you see signs that say We will be “closed” on Sunday? Did you wonder if maybe they will really be open on Sunday? You never use quotation marks for emphasis, you use it for direct quotes or, as is more fun, to cast doubt. Does Sweeny Murti really have insights? Or is it just some silly rambling nonsense? The quotation marks make me think the later.
And just add punctuation!
A smarter take? Doubtful!
And here’s another one:
Let’s use punctuation to screw with Neil.
Yeah, “fan” my sweet Aunt Fanny. This guy isn’t a fan.
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
Your Comments