Mr. Know-It-All: I’m OK, You’re an Ass

17 Jun

June 17, 2011

Mr. Know-It-All is rated D for “disgusting.”  And usually “drunk.”

Jeez, what is wrong with you people? Are you really so stupid that you need to write to some half-hobo a-hole on the internet or in the freakin’newspaper for help with your shitty lives? I mean, yeah, idiots like you keep me working, and that’s good because any day I make it in to work is a day I’m not getting fellated by a moose in the gutter.

So before all these pills I just dry-swallowed take me down let’s get to some letters.

Dear Dr. Tracy,
Age: 29 marital status: single, never married
Hello, was hoping to get some advice. I met a guy in college when I was 20. We talked a little bit here and there. I like him alot more than just a friend. I can’t seem to forget him. even though it has been almost 10 years. Since then I dropped out of college. I dont want to be with anyone else. I am convinced I am going to marry him one day and that he is the love of my life. He is now happily married to another girl now. I emailed him in February 2010. He said he didn’t think we should talk becuase he is married now and doesn’t live in this area anymore. What should I do about this situation? should I try to find someone else? I love him though.

Hello backatcha, turd.
Jeez, you give up too damn easy. Can’t you take a hint? He’s married and can’t sneak away, so you have to go to him. Yeah. Look, he can’t up and drive a couple of hours to see you without his wife getting wind of it so you need to do the heavy lifting. Drive out to him, get a hotel room, send him a key. Then find out where he works, show up there. If he says something like he can’t see you because he’s busy, wait in the parking lot by his car. Crouch down so he doesn’t see you until he’s right there. Don’t worry if he calls security, that’s just his cover so none of his coworkers catch on. Call him at home. If his wife picks up, hang up. Keep calling and hanging up until he answers the phone. He sounds like he needs a little confidence boost. Send him clumps of your hair. That’ll prove to him how much he means to you. Tell him you can’t live without him, then that you won’t live without him. Show up at his door, pretend to be from FedEx, give his wife a box of dead roses. She’ll see how serious you are too. Trust your friend Mr. Know-It All, this’ll work out just fine.

Call me when you get out of jail.


Dear Mrs. Web,
My father and mother just asked me to take care of their dog, again. Toodles is a nasty, yappy, nippy small dog who I cannot stand. They even call this dog my “baby sister”. How can I get out of caring for Toodles?

Easy. Kill the dog. Toss it under a truck, call it an accident, problem solved. Fuck, even wasted as I am and shitting my pants as I type I figured that one out, what’s your excuse?


Dear Mrs. Web,
I want to send flowers to a woman that I have recently met. What special day should I choose to do so, Easter or Mother’s Day? I am not sending for each occasion.

You’re a real Prince charming, you cheap jackoff. Is she your mother? Read my crusted lips- you send your M-O-T-H-whatever-R flowers on Mother’s Day. Unless you are some kind of freaky adult baby fetish asshole who wants this woman to diaper you don’t send them on Mother’s Day. You MUST send them on Easter, ‘cause Easter is the most romantic day of the year.

And by the way, trust Mr. Know-It-All when it comes to diapers: Fetish now, necessity later. I’ve been crapping into diapers since I lost half of my colon in Viet Nam. (That was 1998.)


DEAR ABBY: I’m running out of energy to compassionately relate with all the addicts and mentally ill people in my family. My mother is an alcoholic. My aunt is bipolar and schizophrenic. She is addicted to and abusing prescription painkillers and anti-anxiety medicines. My husband is an alcoholic in denial who lies about his alcohol consumption, and my stepmother is mentally abusive and, I strongly suspect, also bipolar. These people are all retired, while I work a physically and mentally demanding full time job. I’m usually the one who is blamed when things don’t go right. Mother asked me to remove all alcohol from her home so
she could stop drinking. When I didn’t find it all, it was my fault she drank. I escorted my aunt on a cruise during which she abused drugs to the point she could barely walk, and I had to find her wheelchairs at every stop. Now I hear she is blaming me for her illness. When my husband drinks, he runs up our credit card to the tune of $20,000. My job with medical benefits allowed him to retire from his job. My stepmother no longer communicates with my brother and me and seems to be alienating my father from his family. I’m exhausted! I don’t think I can take much more. I know you’ll tell me to see a counselor, but I’m the one who has the full-time job and little vacation/sick time I can use. Short of “divorcing” all of them and starting a new life in an undisclosed location, what advice can you offer? — NEARLY SUCKED DRY

Alice? Is that you? How many times do I have to tell you that I DRINK BECAUSE OF YOU????? And keep my mother out of this! If I told you all the times I woke up with the crabs I got from your mother you’d be doing peyote too. God dammit, always the same old thing. You knew I was addicted to addiction when we got married, so shut up and …and ….. oh, oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Alice, please… please don’t leave me…. I need you. The liquor store won’t cash my checks anymore.


DEAR ABBY: What is the protocol when someone is asking to see his mother’s will while she is still in good health? — PONDERING IN PENNSYLVANIA

Heh heh heh, Mr. Know-It-All knows your game. He’s played it before. The protocol is to meet me at Broadway and Seventh at 3pm with an envelope full of unmarked bills. I’ll take care of it for you.


DEAR ABBY: In our golfing circle there’s a single, 47-year-old professional woman with two children. We thought we knew her. Come to find out, she has been involved for the last five years with a married man who has a child. We’re uncomfortable having her around us now. None of us is perfect, but a woman who would take another’s man and wreck a home is one thing most women can’t stand. What, if anything, should we do? — TEE’D OFF IN ALABAMA

DEAR TEE’D OFF: Before deciding what to do, talk privately with the woman, tell her what you have learned and hear what she has to say about it. After that, you’ll know what (or what not) to do.

Wrong again, Dear Scabby! You know what they should do? NOTHING. It is none of their fucking business. Shut up and golf, Tiger Woods.

So, Alabama, huh? 47, professional, sleeps around. Bet she’s got a nice rack too. I need pictures, an address, and some ED pills. Get on it, would you toots? And hurry up while my syphilis is in remission.

Anyway, I’m done. Your pal Mr. Know-It-All just saw the cops pull up.

12 Responses to “Mr. Know-It-All: I’m OK, You’re an Ass”

  1. Daniel June 17, 2011 at 1:44 am #

    I can imagine this as a radio call – in show, if Jerry Springer had started out like that. Or a cross between Esquire’s ” Answer Fella ” & Jerry S.
    We’ll be right back after this commercial break….. 😉


    • bmj2k June 17, 2011 at 3:16 am #

      If you search for and read the other dozen or so appearances of Mr. Know-It-All in this blog you’ll realize that any job where he has to interact with people is not going to work.


      • Daniel June 17, 2011 at 5:34 am #

        Reminds me of a guy I knew who lived ( briefly ) in my hometown. He was an ” expert ” on everything from computer hacking & related things to Taoism & Zen Buddhism to ( very likely ) how to build your own Tesla – style death ray & be feared by your neighborhood. 😉 Smart fellow, but he could be a self – important douche on more than 1 occasion ! ;D


        • bmj2k June 17, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

          Far better to know Mr. KIA than to be Mr. KIA.


          • Daniel June 17, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

            Oh, it gets BETTER ! ” Th Expert ” had me & some other minions cover for him when he left my hometown to escape collection agencies, then he shacks up with a 17 – year old half – Iraqi, half Native American girl when he gets back to Terre Haute.
            Didn’t quite have that ” keeping a low profile ” thing down. ;). A colorful member of the human gene pool. 😀


            • bmj2k June 17, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

              OK, this needs to be written up. There is some story here!


              • Daniel June 17, 2011 at 8:07 pm #

                He claimed to have met either Arthur C. Clarke or Isaac Asimov whilst in California going to college. He should’ve thrown in Timothy Leary or L. Ron Hubbard for a trifecta. I think he wanted to BE the next L. Ron Hubbard ! 😉


      • JRD Skinner June 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm #

        I could see Mr. Know-It-All broadcasting, Art Bell style, from some mountain bunker in the Philippines.


        • bmj2k June 17, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

          There is no way he could keep up any sort of regular schedule… or sobriety.

          Rereading that last post, I realized that Mr. Know-It-All was diappointingly far more sober than I am used to reading him. I’ll have to leave some quarts of Super Fly Night Eagle Malt Liquor laying around the office.

          From a bad broadcasting point of view, the shows immediately after the death of Bell’s wife were cringe-worthy and uncomfortably hard to listen to. He paid little attention to the guests, left dead air for minutes while his mind wandered, and sometimes just rambled on about what he’ll do moving forward. He spent time listing the contents of his home and asking if anyoe was interested in buying his things. The low point was when he was interviering a woman who was blind from birth. she had been in a car accident and Art, very distractedly, asked her if she was driving. After a very uncomfortable pause, the guest answered “no, I’m blind.” After another uncomfortable pause, Aart seemed to catch on, said “oh,” and moved on.


        • Daniel June 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

          Or Arecibo Puerto Rico, near that giant radio telescope, perhaps….. 😉


  2. Thomas Stazyk June 17, 2011 at 6:29 am #

    Very entertaining!

    Actually when you deconstruct the questions and extrapolate the underlying reality, Mr. Know-it-all seems to be showing unusual restraint!


    • bmj2k June 17, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

      I know! I went back to it and realized that Mr. Know-It-All was uncommonly sober and well thought out (for him, anyway.) His family may want him sober but I enjoy him more stoned. I’ll have to fix this in the future.


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